Now that I understand, I realise that he has been in the discard phase of the relationship over the last 2-3 years and finally he blew the whole thing up in February of this year and by March I found out that there was another woman and that it had been going on for at least 2 years on and off (mainly an emotional affair because she was in Paris and he was still in London with us).
To cut a long story short, he has been unrecognisable since the break up – unrecognisable to me and to the children. Very verbally abusive, screaming at me and my daughter, emotionally manipulative, threatening me, blaming me for everything, including the affair, and saying things like "one day our children will understand how much you've made me suffer" and "when I get them on my own, I will explain to them why we are separating". All typical blaming behaviours but very very hurtful (and these are only a handful of examples).
it may be easier (although perhaps not as much in the short term) to see this as 2-3 years ago, the writing was on the wall for your relationship. for me it was the final year, although, looking back, the seeds were planted well before that.
im not implying you had anything to do with his affair, by the way. thats a separate issue, and its a weak way of coping.
my point is that what you are seeing/experiencing now is more a manifestation of things that were boiling under the surface in your relationship for, likely, longer than those last two or three years. having said that, a lot of it may have to do with coping as well - coping with being caught in the affair and the feelings associated with that, coping with the relationship ending and his responsibility in that, etc.
- Although I understand the BPD cycle, I am so hurt and can’t get over being betrayed in this way. The physical pain has been so immense. I know I am better off out of the relationship because I did EVERYTHING whilst constantly being criticised as things were never good enough for him, I tried so hard to help him but to no avail, and have just become a shadow of my former self. My kids tell me I don’t laugh any more
But I have such a yearning for him to come back and prove to myself that he does really love me after all… that the last 15 years were not a complete write off, that I mean more to him than this ‘other’ woman.. Like many of you here, I used to mean the world to him… I know this is so silly. But I am so emotional.
i understand
my ex left me, and within a week or two was in a new relationship. the kicker was that it lasted even longer than ours did.
this is, fundamentally, a struggle about feelings of inadequacy. if he tossed her to the curb and came back tomorrow, professing his love, it would not resolve that for you. this likely triggered something, and while anyone would feel betrayed and inadequate (affairs are really devastating things to inflict upon someone), that may explain the particular agony and conflicted feelings youre experiencing.
theirs is its own journey of dysfunctionality and its success or failure is not a reflection of you as a person. i know thats cold comfort and hard to believe right now, but part of the key to detaching and peace is separating yourself from that path.
I want to avoid them developing traits of BPD as they grow up and I need for them to understand how to manage their father going forward.
the short answer is that you can do neither of those things.
the development of bpd is complex. on the board for parents of someone with bpd, you will find no shortage of the most loving parents. the development of bpd is thought to be a complex and often, frankly, roll of the dice, when it comes to nature vs nurture. its why you might find a family where 3 or 4 children dont develop bpd and one does.
what you can do is love and support your children, and help them become well adjusted adults, the same as any parent hopes to do. you cant necessarily do that though, by protecting them from their father; not in a way that pits yourself against him. thats probably the single most important part.
therapy is never a bad idea. what area are you in?
- And finally, divorce.
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What are your thoughts on this? I am very worried about a court case, the judges not believing me about the BPD and his lies about me because he presents so well.
i have two thoughts.
the first is that i would post on the legal board and work out a legal strategy, learn the co-parenting tools, play the long game for the long haul; do the emotional detaching work here.
the second is that going to court and trying to convince the judge that your ex is mentally ill and to listen to your side is not a sound legal strategy, or co-parenting strategy. its just not how family court operates. likewise, neither is sitting back and doing nothing when it comes to divorce. if you are committed to this divorce, obtain a lawyer yesterday. if you are struggling with the finality of it all, be mindful of that; its something you and the people supporting you can work with.
