Separating from PWBPD / emotional and legal support needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello!
I'm new and finding this website incredible useful. Thank you community!

Ok, where to start? I have so many different areas that I need advice on. I will try to sum up my situation as succinctly as possible.

I've been with my husband for 15 years (married for 12). 2 kids 10yo and 7yo. I am British and he is French. We live in London and kids were born here. They don't have French nationality yet but are entitled to it (relevant for custody issues...).

My OH was diagnosed in 2014 with ADHD and for many years I put all of his issues down to this, although no treatment or therapy ever worked. Finally over the past year I am 100% certain that he has BPD. All the symptoms fit and our relationship and his dependence on me etc all makes perfect sense. Now that I understand, I realise that he has been in the discard phase of the relationship over the last 2-3 years and finally he blew the whole thing up in February of this year and by March I found out that there was another woman and that it had been going on for at least 2 years on and off (mainly an emotional affair because she was in Paris and he was still in London with us).

To cut a long story short, he has been unrecognisable since the break up – unrecognisable to me and to the children. Very verbally abusive, screaming at me and my daughter, emotionally manipulative, threatening me, blaming me for everything, including the affair, and saying things like "one day our children will understand how much you've made me suffer" and "when I get them on my own, I will explain to them why we are separating". All typical blaming behaviours but very very hurtful (and these are only a handful of examples).

As you would expect, he comes from a very dysfunctional family and his brother also married into my family (my first cousin). I believe the brother to be a narcissist and he and my husband have a very toxic relationship. I have wanted to maintain a strong distance between my bro-in-law and my cousin for a number of years now. I now understand that there was a lot of triangulation going on when my husband and I were together. Basically, my husband has not only betrayed me with another woman, he has also betrayed me to his brother and my cousin (and her older sister, all have turned against me) as they have entertained this new woman and enabled my husband to be in Paris by giving him a place to stay etc. It feels as though he has completely switched allegiances and found a woman who he knows will actively get on with his brother. This new woman is nothing like me and very materialistic. It really feels like he is actively punishing me. I am sure he is (maybe without realising it) There is no doubt in my mind either that he has literally replaced me with her. I can see in his eyes, I mean absolutely nothing to him and he has completely forgotten who I am and the good parts of our past.

So really there are a few things I am struggling with:

-   Although I understand the BPD cycle, I am so hurt and can’t get over being betrayed in this way. The physical pain has been so immense. I know I am better off out of the relationship because I did EVERYTHING whilst constantly being criticised as things were never good enough for him, I tried so hard to help him but to no avail, and have just become a shadow of my former self. My kids tell me I don’t laugh any more But I have such a yearning for him to come back and prove to myself that he does really love me after all… that the last 15 years were not a complete write off, that I mean more to him than this ‘other’ woman.. Like many of you here, I used to mean the world to him… I know this is so silly. But I am so emotional.

-   The next issue is my kids – I am desperate for them to get some therapy. Can anyone recommend someone online who is specialised in this area? I want to avoid them developing traits of BPD as they grow up and I need for them to understand how to manage their father going forward. My daughter has already coined the term “deep-down Daddy” for the loving Daddy and “outside Daddy” for the unpleasant, angry, emotional disconnected and lying Daddy. So she already understands at 10 years old.

-   And finally, divorce. Because my husband has quite literally replaced me, he wants everything to be as it was with me, but with his new woman, so he wants the kids now, introduced to her, going on holidays etc etc… Firstly, over the years, I have done ALL the parenting. He has been loving when he is in his ok phases, but he has never been able to cope with them or behave like an adult with them - he is so childlike. In fact, he is partly leaving the family because he doesn’t want the responsibility of bringing them up. I’m sure of it. At the moment, he is so unlike his normal self and verbally aggressive, can be triggered at the slightest thing, taking it out on them, that I don’t want him to be with the children on his own or overnight. They also are feeling very upset and hurt by him, they are therefore stuck to me and don’t want to leave my side when he is with us. (He has been back in the home,  because it belongs to both of us, 3 times since the split and all 3 times have been really difficult). He is of course accusing me of turning them against me and threatening lawyers but so far nothing. Because he has never managed to get anything done without me actually doing it for him, I am hoping divorce will be the same and so my strategy is to play the waiting game with him and do nothing. I also have control over all our finances simply because he has never bothered to get a log in for his banking app. My plan is to let time pass. He is mostly abroad too which creates greater distance for me. Plus there is Covid and quarantine. I am moving out of the family home at the end of the school year. I have not refused for him to see the kids, but for now it is only with me around. What are your thoughts on this? I am very worried about a court case, the judges not believing me about the BPD and his lies about me because he presents so well. Does anyone have experience of only threats and no action and resolving the custody etc simply because the other person just emotionally disconnects? What do you all recommend.

[Keppy]

Hello!
I'm new and finding this website incredible useful. Thank you community!

Ok, where to start? I have so many different areas that I need advice on. I will try to sum up my situation as succinctly as possible.

I've been with my husband for 15 years (married for 12). 2 kids 10yo and 7yo. I am British and he is French. We live in London and kids were born here. They don't have French nationality yet but are entitled to it (relevant for custody issues...).

My OH was diagnosed in 2014 with ADHD and for many years I put all of his issues down to this, although no treatment or therapy ever worked. Finally over the past year I am 100% certain that he has BPD. All the symptoms fit and our relationship and his dependence on me etc all makes perfect sense. Now that I understand, I realise that he has been in the discard phase of the relationship over the last 2-3 years and finally he blew the whole thing up in February of this year and by March I found out that there was another woman and that it had been going on for at least 2 years on and off (mainly an emotional affair because she was in Paris and he was still in London with us).

To cut a long story short, he has been unrecognisable since the break up – unrecognisable to me and to the children. Very verbally abusive, screaming at me and my daughter, emotionally manipulative, threatening me, blaming me for everything, including the affair, and saying things like "one day our children will understand how much you've made me suffer" and "when I get them on my own, I will explain to them why we are separating". All typical blaming behaviours but very very hurtful (and these are only a handful of examples).

As you would expect, he comes from a very dysfunctional family and his brother also married into my family (my first cousin). I believe the brother to be a narcissist and he and my husband have a very toxic relationship. I have wanted to maintain a strong distance between my bro-in-law and my cousin for a number of years now. I now understand that there was a lot of triangulation going on when my husband and I were together. Basically, my husband has not only betrayed me with another woman, he has also betrayed me to his brother and my cousin (and her older sister, all have turned against me) as they have entertained this new woman and enabled my husband to be in Paris by giving him a place to stay etc. It feels as though he has completely switched allegiances and found a woman who he knows will actively get on with his brother. This new woman is nothing like me and very materialistic. It really feels like he is actively punishing me. I am sure he is (maybe without realising it) There is no doubt in my mind either that he has literally replaced me with her. I can see in his eyes, I mean absolutely nothing to him and he has completely forgotten who I am and the good parts of our past.

So really there are a few things I am struggling with:

-   Although I understand the BPD cycle, I am so hurt and can’t get over being betrayed in this way. The physical pain has been so immense. I know I am better off out of the relationship because I did EVERYTHING whilst constantly being criticised as things were never good enough for him, I tried so hard to help him but to no avail, and have just become a shadow of my former self. My kids tell me I don’t laugh any more But I have such a yearning for him to come back and prove to myself that he does really love me after all… that the last 15 years were not a complete write off, that I mean more to him than this ‘other’ woman.. Like many of you here, I used to mean the world to him… I know this is so silly. But I am so emotional.

-   The next issue is my kids – I am desperate for them to get some therapy. Can anyone recommend someone online who is specialised in this area? I want to avoid them developing traits of BPD as they grow up and I need for them to understand how to manage their father going forward. My daughter has already coined the term “deep-down Daddy” for the loving Daddy and “outside Daddy” for the unpleasant, angry, emotional disconnected and lying Daddy. So she already understands at 10 years old.

-   And finally, divorce. Because my husband has quite literally replaced me, he wants everything to be as it was with me, but with his new woman, so he wants the kids now, introduced to her, going on holidays etc etc… Firstly, over the years, I have done ALL the parenting. He has been loving when he is in his ok phases, but he has never been able to cope with them or behave like an adult with them - he is so childlike. In fact, he is partly leaving the family because he doesn’t want the responsibility of bringing them up. I’m sure of it. At the moment, he is so unlike his normal self and verbally aggressive, can be triggered at the slightest thing, taking it out on them, that I don’t want him to be with the children on his own or overnight. They also are feeling very upset and hurt by him, they are therefore stuck to me and don’t want to leave my side when he is with us. (He has been back in the home,  because it belongs to both of us, 3 times since the split and all 3 times have been really difficult). He is of course accusing me of turning them against me and threatening lawyers but so far nothing. Because he has never managed to get anything done without me actually doing it for him, I am hoping divorce will be the same and so my strategy is to play the waiting game with him and do nothing. I also have control over all our finances simply because he has never bothered to get a log in for his banking app. My plan is to let time pass. He is mostly abroad too which creates greater distance for me. Plus there is Covid and quarantine. I am moving out of the family home at the end of the school year. I have not refused for him to see the kids, but for now it is only with me around. What are your thoughts on this? I am very worried about a court case, the judges not believing me about the BPD and his lies about me because he presents so well. Does anyone have experience of only threats and no action and resolving the custody etc simply because the other person just emotionally disconnects? What do you all recommend.

[once removed]

Now that I understand, I realise that he has been in the discard phase of the relationship over the last 2-3 years and finally he blew the whole thing up in February of this year and by March I found out that there was another woman and that it had been going on for at least 2 years on and off (mainly an emotional affair because she was in Paris and he was still in London with us).

To cut a long story short, he has been unrecognisable since the break up – unrecognisable to me and to the children. Very verbally abusive, screaming at me and my daughter, emotionally manipulative, threatening me, blaming me for everything, including the affair, and saying things like "one day our children will understand how much you've made me suffer" and "when I get them on my own, I will explain to them why we are separating". All typical blaming behaviours but very very hurtful (and these are only a handful of examples).

it may be easier (although perhaps not as much in the short term) to see this as 2-3 years ago, the writing was on the wall for your relationship. for me it was the final year, although, looking back, the seeds were planted well before that.

im not implying you had anything to do with his affair, by the way. thats a separate issue, and its a weak way of coping.

my point is that what you are seeing/experiencing now is more a manifestation of things that were boiling under the surface in your relationship for, likely, longer than those last two or three years. having said that, a lot of it may have to do with coping as well - coping with being caught in the affair and the feelings associated with that, coping with the relationship ending and his responsibility in that, etc.

-   Although I understand the BPD cycle, I am so hurt and can’t get over being betrayed in this way. The physical pain has been so immense. I know I am better off out of the relationship because I did EVERYTHING whilst constantly being criticised as things were never good enough for him, I tried so hard to help him but to no avail, and have just become a shadow of my former self. My kids tell me I don’t laugh any more But I have such a yearning for him to come back and prove to myself that he does really love me after all… that the last 15 years were not a complete write off, that I mean more to him than this ‘other’ woman.. Like many of you here, I used to mean the world to him… I know this is so silly. But I am so emotional.

i understand 

my ex left me, and within a week or two was in a new relationship. the kicker was that it lasted even longer than ours did.

this is, fundamentally, a struggle about feelings of inadequacy. if he tossed her to the curb and came back tomorrow, professing his love, it would not resolve that for you. this likely triggered something, and while anyone would feel betrayed and inadequate (affairs are really devastating things to inflict upon someone), that may explain the particular agony and conflicted feelings youre experiencing.

theirs is its own journey of dysfunctionality and its success or failure is not a reflection of you as a person. i know thats cold comfort and hard to believe right now, but part of the key to detaching and peace is separating yourself from that path.

I want to avoid them developing traits of BPD as they grow up and I need for them to understand how to manage their father going forward.

the short answer is that you can do neither of those things.

the development of bpd is complex. on the board for parents of someone with bpd, you will find no shortage of the most loving parents. the development of bpd is thought to be a complex and often, frankly, roll of the dice, when it comes to nature vs nurture. its why you might find a family where 3 or 4 children dont develop bpd and one does.

what you can do is love and support your children, and help them become well adjusted adults, the same as any parent hopes to do. you cant necessarily do that though, by protecting them from their father; not in a way that pits yourself against him. thats probably the single most important part.

therapy is never a bad idea. what area are you in?

-   And finally, divorce.
...
What are your thoughts on this? I am very worried about a court case, the judges not believing me about the BPD and his lies about me because he presents so well.

i have two thoughts.

the first is that i would post on the legal board and work out a legal strategy, learn the co-parenting tools, play the long game for the long haul; do the emotional detaching work here.

the second is that going to court and trying to convince the judge that your ex is mentally ill and to listen to your side is not a sound legal strategy, or co-parenting strategy. its just not how family court operates. likewise, neither is sitting back and doing nothing when it comes to divorce. if you are committed to this divorce, obtain a lawyer yesterday. if you are struggling with the finality of it all, be mindful of that; its something you and the people supporting you can work with.