Husband w/BPD: new to the label and perspective

[Jj2021]

I recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells and after about a decade of confusion, stress and inner turmoil, I think I have a "box" for my husband's borderline traits. I used to just think it was a lot of anxiety: perfectionistic traits with an ever moving standard, being on edge all of the time so irritable and angry at the drop of a hat and I was just suffering because I was closest to the explosions. In the past couple years, it has become more focused at belittling me, more accusatory, insistently blaming and sometimes paranoid. So far, this bpd label has been both helpful (validating) and frustrating, as he is still not looking to make changes in himself, which is highly stressful for me (sometimes he wastes days at a time being grumpy, giving me the silent treatment or layering on blame and accusation that serves no one.) I am not able to feel my authentic feelings or be at peace in my house when he is there, I am on edge and it holds me back from being happy and enjoying life. I definitely have some codependent/rescuing tendencies that have reinforced his victimhood... And overall, I think I'm still caught up on wishful thinking: If only he could tweak little choices in his behavior or reasoning, all could be greatly improved. I love him but I really struggle with doubts that he can ever really be trusted, be consistent or dependable regarding emotional support to me in the relationship. The blame and stress level in the household is poor modeling and exposure for my kids. I suppose I'm looking for validation, clarity, direction and support. Thanks.

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[Ventak]

Hi JJ, welcome to the family!

I have found this to be an amazing site, full of people with years and decades of experience in dealing with the issues you describe.  It is the most caring and knowledgeable forum I've ever run across...

It sounds like your husband has undiagnosed BPD, which is very common.  It is very difficult for a pwBPD to believe they have a problem and seek help.  Unless he seeks help, from his own desire to improve, it is very unlikely your uBPDh will make progress from where he is.  Fortunately, there are tools that can help you help him.  This site is full of techniques that will help your communication in ways that will help him stay regulated when he gets emotional.  The acronyms of the most frequently used techniques are to not JADE (Judge, Argue, Defend, and I always forget "E"), and to SET (Empathy).  It is very important that you validate his emotions, but not validate his bad behavior.  I highly encourage you to look at the training here, and also read through some of the posts.  It is usually very validating to read other people saying in print something that you could have written yourself.

I recommend you read this article, it helped me understand what I was facing when I was in your position not that long ago:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship


What steps are you taking to take care of yourself?  Are you seeing a therapist?

Common abbreviations:
pwBPD - person with Borderline Personality Disorder
uBPDh - undiagnosed BPD husband
BPDw - diagnosed BPD wife

[Jj2021]

thank you for your kindness  Ventak

...I am trying to have better boundaries and prioritize myself. I am pushing myself to be honest with some close friends and have seen a therapist off and on. We had a couple couples therapists, but they seemed to fuel his emotional accusations and then he got more upset than ever. Tonight we talked (again) about how miserable life is in our family and motivation for changing the way we relate to and stress each other. It was kind of heartbreaking to hear him defend himself several times that "it's not all his fault" (because I wasn't insinuating that it was...that was his internal argument and fears...). Anyway, I will look into the resources you mentioned. I need concrete communication do's and don'ts!

Thank you again.

[once removed]

loving someone with bpd traits is hard 

that said, there is hope. youve found support, and a treasure trove of resources. things can get better, and often times, when we take that step, our loved ones follow our lead.

tell us more about the conflict the two of you have. you say hes belittling, accusatory, blaming, and paranoid. we can help with steps to end the conflict and start introducing some peace.