I have backed off this board for some time because uBPD H had appeared to be "getting better." Last year, drunk after his birthday party, H came to me tearfully and apologised for all the terrible things he had said and done to me in almost 20 years of marriage. In that time, he almost constantly raged, destroyed property, called the worst names, and blame me for the breakdown the marriage (punching holes in walls, broke wooden furniture, scared the cats and dogs, continued in his emotionally incestuous relationships with his three adult children, you get the picture...) Of course, in the eyes of H, I was the one to blame for the upset.
He is nearing his retirement and having a great deal of anxiety over it, he finally pulled the bait-and-switch on me over where we were going to retire. We had planned on moving to one state due to its retirement communities and mild weather. By March, H had decided, without consulting me, that we are moving to the state where his younger D lives with her own H and small child. H then demanded I sell my own business and give a large sum of money to put down on a new home. (H's family, his widowed elderly F, have nothing and, in fact, are in debt. FIL also has a gambling addiction, to boot. H's older D is a cannabis addict, and his S is homeless and a drug addict.)
I am about the pull the plug on this marriage. It has gotten to the point where I am less emotionally codependent. In the past, H would make a divorce threat and reduce me to tears. No more. I know I can survive without him and his hideously dysfunctional family.
How many here have moved on from a destructive marriage to a BPD or uBPD spouse or partner and now can breathe free of the daily toxic fumes? I am reading the "daily wisdom" for, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
The last straw for me today was the lack of empathy from my uBPD H regarding my medical disability. At times, my illness, which goes in and out of remission, became bad to where I could not drive. H had to come home early for a weekend golf trip to help me. Of course, he was furious. He was all very full of show about how he sacrificed to come home, but he punished me for it as if the relapse was something I wanted. (Believe me, I would not wish this one anyone!) He walked around like he was so generous and kind of a husband, and let me know that it cost him a lot to come home and give up his golf.) Last week, he threw a wooden chair across the room, sending wood shards all over the room. I laughed at him and left the room to clean his own mess. Yes, this dysregulation likely played a role in the relapse of my health issues. And he uses his younger D as a confidante, telling her whether or not we are "getting along," and telling her we have conflict in our marriage. (His children wanted him to divorce me since they were in their teen, and the Ds had unhealthy Elektra complexes with their F. Their uBPD/uNPD M cheated on their F and divorced him to marry her lover, who himself was married with children. H's first marriage appeared to be the perfect mix of BPD and NPD.)
His GS, still a toddler, appears to be in the ASD spectrum, with do many checks in the boxes of diagnostic criteria. H and his D, the mother, are utterly oblivious to this, yet I have said nothing. They laugh with glee when he parrots words and songs, and they thing he's the most clever thing in the world. I tried to warn H of his children, when they were teens, of their drug and alcohol abuse. And then H decided to shoot the messenger...me. Older D is likely uBPD: promiscuity, suicide attempt, sleeping with her boss, drug abuse and addiction, quitting a well-paying job, moving several times in the course of a few years, and always having to have a new "best friend."
I am getting so sick and tired of this merry go round.
