Trying to figure out if my ex has BPD? Trying to rationalize why she left me.

A little background info into my relationship:

My ex gf broke up with me last week, we dated and lived with one another for 3 years.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder and mostly struggle with health based obsessions. When we started dating my ocd quickly fixated on my gf and I developed severe relationship OCD. I would constantly check my phone if she was out with friends and if she didn't answer quickly I would obsess for hours worrying if something was wrong or if she was cheating on me. If she didn't answer a phone call or text quickly enough I would have a panic attack and call and text her multiple times, if she talked to a guy friend or liked certain pictures on social media I would think she was leaving me. This was only 3 months into our relationship so I had to tell her I had ocd and started to go to therapy. Over the past 3 years my relationship OCD had significantly improved and my obsessions about her leaving me/cheating on me became easier to manage. She was very supportive and understanding of my mental illness.

My ex grew up in an abusive household. Her dad would beat her mom, drank excessively and constantly cheated on her. Her mom eventually divorced him and married another man who was abusive as well. Not physically, but was very emotionally abusive. He was also very controlling so some aspects of my ocd were very triggering for her. She knew I wasn't "controlling" but when my obsessions were about cheating she thought I didn't trust her. Her teenage years were very turbulent as her stepfather was super controlling and monitored everything she did. She lived in her car for brief periods of time in order to get away from her troubled family life. She also lived with her best friends family for a few months senior year of high school.

Everything seemed to be going perfectly until last January when she told me she wasn't sure if she saw a future with me. We both cried and talked for hours. She told me she was very unhappy for the past few months with me and said she didn't feel close to me anymore. She was deeply depressed from September through November and told me she was suicidal a few times. She would have bouts of depression for months at a time. She said they got less frequent as we were dating. When we talked last January she said she was unhappy in our relationship and didn't feel close to me for 6 months. She said I should have noticed she was upset and held in how she felt for so long because she was afraid she would trigger my relationship ocd. She realizes that was wrong and she should have talked with me sooner. It's also hard to connect and feel close with someone when they are very depressed for months at a time. That night in January she also brought up every mistake I've made in our relationship. She brought up how a year ago I got upset because she slept out at a guys house(she shared a bed with her best girl friend) and it triggered my rocd and I kept calling her, she brought up how 2 years ago when we were going on vacation with her family that she didn't feel like I acted like myself around her family, she said I acted like a robot around them. I have social anxiety and told her it takes me a longggggg time to feel comfortable around new people and act myself. She said she doesn't feel close or connected to me when we are out with her friends/large groups of people. She brought up another time a year ago how I didn't want to go somewhere with her friends on a Sunday because I was hungover and that I should have "noticed" how badly she wanted me to go. She is insanely empathetic and can basically read my mind and tell when I'm upset or what's bothering me by the tone of my voice.
She also said I didn't want to go out on the weekends enough and didn't want to hang out with her friends as much as she did.

I told her these were all just communications issues and that we could work through things. I changed in all the ways she said she wanted me to. I spent more time going out with her friends, I started acting more "myself" when we were with her friends. She made a joke with me saying she feels like she has relationship ocd because she just obsesses over the negatives in our relationship, said we have a great sex life, have a great life together. She said she feels like she was just self sabotaging and that she felt like she didn't feel like she deserves someone like me and said I'm such a good man. She said she has this deep rooted fear that she is a bad person and that no matter how good she is the feeling is always with her.

Things started to get better, or so I thought. We were having sex like we were still in the honeymoon phase again. She started talking about our future together again. She was super loving again and constantly wanted to do things with me again. She told me how much she loved me everyday. Everything seemed to be going great. She went on a bachelorette party in June and
obviously that triggered my rocd a little. I had better self control than I did a few years ago and handled the situation well until her last night there. Her friend sent me a snap chat saying, "I just made out with a male stripper". My ocd gets triggered and I start panicking thinking they all went to a male strip club so I text my gf and say, you went to a male strip club?

She said she could tell I was angry through the text and that I should trust her 100%. I told her I did but her friends snapchat made it seem like they went to a strip club. When she came home we talked about it, I could tell she was angry but it seemed like we talked through it. She seemed fine for the next week, then she became very distant, cold and would barely kiss me. She completely shut down after that. Me sending that one text completely derailed all the progress we made over the past few months.

Last week she sat me down and said she couldn't do this anymore, she said she was done with me. She did the same thing she did in January, brought up how she doesn't feel close to me when we are with her friends or family. Said she feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and that anytime we were starting to get a deeper connection something like me sending her the text at the bachelorette weekend would happen and derail the connection. She said she still loves me very much but needed space.

She is super independent and I'm almost codependent. I want to do everything with her and she wanted more alone time. So maybe that coupled with my rocd drove her away. I wouldn't be surprised, but part of me thinks there is something deeper at play. We had an amazing relationship and I grew a lot over the past year and my rocd improved tremendously.

I googled some stuff about my relationship and that brought me to discovering BPD and wondering if maybe my ex had it.

Reasons why I think she might have high functioning BPD

1) Random bursts of crying
2) Never feels like she is good enough
3) Very independent
4) Leaves when things get tough-moves away, or in with friends.
5) Fear of being engulfed
6) Self sabotaging behavior
7) Feels like she doesn't know who she is
8) She was never mean to me or verbally abusive, but I think she devalued me by obsessing about mistakes I made in the past.
9) Extreme empathy- she said she feels like she takes on the emotions of other people in the room.
10) counter-dependency- she is incredibly self-reliant having to be dependent on anyone makes her feel unsafe and overly-exposed.
11) Changes jobs frequently. went back to college twice in the same year and realized its not what she wants.
12) Feels like she has to make time for EVERYONE. Constantly scrambling to spread her time between all family members/friends. Hates to say no to people.

Sorry for the incoherent rambling. I'm devastated she left me. If she has BPD, she is very high functioning. She is a very well put together person and I only noticed these things because I know her so well. The main reasons I think she might have it is because of the self hatred and the fear of losing herself or not knowing who she is. She also has this deep fear that she is a bad person and has to prove to the world that she is a good person.

Any advice is much appreciated.



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