God and Faith - Instead of Counseling

[Nala2020]

My exSO (who I am trying to figure out if I should reengage with once I understand more about BPD - even if just as friends if there is no real hope for another chance with us or if I decide later I don't want that) has decided that she was going to pursue a closer relationship with God in the last few months by attending church and a weekly devotional and studying her Bible daily.  However, she has decided that now she does not need to go to counseling anymore - that God alone will fix her issues.

Now, I think all of that is great - regarding getting closer to God.  I do also believe in God and I have faith as well, and I can tell some changes for the good with her (anger responses have lessened in intensity - still above normal baseline).  That said, I don't see any way that she "fixes" her BPD issues without the additional assistance of therapy. 

Could I be wrong?  What do I say in response to her assertion that I should just have faith? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Nala2020:
Sorry about your situation. I read a few of your prior posts and it sounds like you made some good efforts to get some counseling going, but your partner backed out.

Unfortunately, she has to be ready and willing for counseling, or it won't work.  Perhaps right now, she needs to try the religious path she has chosen, and see if she can grow enough to realize she needs some extra help.

BELOW IS ONE BIBLE VERSE REGARDING ANGER:
Ephesians 4:31
"31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice"

I think that pursuing a closer relationship with God, combined with some counseling could be the winning combination. The bible teaches some valuable lessons, such as be slow to anger.  The problem is that most people need to learn a strategy to manage their anger and other behaviors.

I like the logic that God helps those who take steps to help their self. Sometimes, that might mean taking some meds to help manage anxiety and/or depression. The trifecta for success might be church, meds & therapy.

I view it this way, the vast majority of religious people still seek a doctor to treat physical ailments, so why should you look at a mental illness differently? Quite often, there is a chemical imbalance or an issue with some brain wiring.

The only thing you can do is to learn strategies that can make thing better for you, how you react & interact.  You have no power to change her or to gain any benefit from her going to counseling, unless it's something she wants and is ready for.

Reality for most, is that religion alone, doesn't fix a person's bad behaviors.  I remember a while ago, a pastor posted about his wife with BPD. Someone else was struggling with a partner he met in church, with BPD. I've read other posts, as well, where religion was an important part of someone's life, but their faith/prayers alone didn't cure them of BPD behaviors.

The one common situation is where someone is very religious and appears like a saint to people in the community.  They have a dirty little secret, they save up their bad behaviors for someone they feel most comfortable with, generally a partner or someone else who is close to them who becomes the scapegoat.  I have a sister who falls into that category.  I became her scapegoat.  I've learned first hand that religion alone couldn't fix how my sister dealt with me.

You have to decide that if you want to continue a relationship with her, that you can accept her as she is.  Setting your personal boundaries, that you have control over will be important.  Perhaps she will evolve to get some therapy, at some point, but you can't count on it.

[Chosen]

Hi Nala2020,

I think "fixing" BPD has more to do with the pwBPD's attitude rather than the means.  If they really think they have an issue and want to use better means to communicate, they could achieve certain improvements even if they don't visit a doctor (e.g. reading books on DBT, anger management techniques).  As a person of faith, I believe reading and practising the Bible would help too- if they are willing to apply what they learnt.  Of course, to "cure" them of the illness would take a professional.

However, if they're not willing to accept their part in communication breakdown, then no amount of professional help would do anything.  They could easily still blame it all on others.  BPD stems from poor coping mechanism to traumas which probably happened a long time ago.  It takes a person to realise they have been using coping strategies to start any change.

Just my two cents.

[majorpenalty]

I understand the difficulty dealing with a BPD who believes that their issues can be resolved by merely growing closer to God. Unfortunately, I don't believe it's feasible. Granted, growing in the Word & becoming more Christ-like can cure any problem that is rooted in sin.  As Jesus comes alive in a person, & sin loses it's grip on one's life, every problem rooted in sin loses it's power, as well. Sin is like the roots of a tree. Cut the tree at the roots & all the branches wither. However, BPD is not a byproduct of one's sin. It is a byproduct of being the victim of trauma (with said trauma usually caused by the sin of another.) Growing in Christ-likeness and crucifying of one's sinful nature may cure anger, violence, addictions, or any other condition that is a byproduct of one's sin ... but it will not cure BPD.

[merelytrying]

I think a combination of both would be the ideal... especially if your exSO is just using church to redefine herself again. I suspect that's what my husband has done for the last few years. He just uses church to make himself feel good about himself... not to actually hear and be convicted by God's word. However, since your exSO *does* at least admit that she has a problem, I think there's a better chance of her actually learning something and growing through going to church. Especially since you used the word 'relationship.' There are some churches that actually teach people that God will fix all of their problems all of the time, so if she's attending one of those... that could be dangerous for her. Especially if it doesn't work like she thinks it will. Pray about it.