I can't seem to move on from my ex-partner

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Hi everyone,

It's been over 18 months since my ex-partner and I split up but I find myself constantly ruminating/obsessing about the relationship, how it ended and his new life and relationship and feel full of regret, guilt and sometimes anger.

We dated for eight months, which I realise isn't long but I felt it to be a very intense connection. We said we loved each other within a month or so, spoke and messaged constantly and spent most of our time together.

Having read up on BPD fairly extensively during and following the end of the relationship, I now recognise the unconscious 'love bombing' that occurred at the start of the relationship from him towards me. Nobody had ever been so forthcoming about their feelings for me, spoke about a future with a home and children and seemed to see the good in me, calling me smart, kind and self-sacrificing. He would make large gestures/statements of affection, such as getting a cab in the middle of the night with no warning as he 'missed' me and saying I if he ever had to stand up and talk about me, he would say I had 'saved' his life.

He was always very upfront about his diagnosis, which he'd only got six months before I met him. He later showed me a letter showing that he had also been assessed as having PTSD, ADHD and harmful use of substances.

He signposted to his trauma fairly early on, mentioning a very traumatic violent event that he witnessed at a child, his neglectful father and abusive stepfather, who I think he was only just processing his deeply conflicted feelings about. His stepfather had passed away a few years before, which had caused him what sounded like a huge episode and my ex seemed to hold him up but would give away when drunk or high that he had bullied him out of his home, making disdainful comments and not letting him rest when in the house. He also confided that he had been in NA and GA, after various interventions from friends and family, had tried to overdose and had persistent suicidal thoughts due to the debt he had.

Our relationship began with a fair amount of volatility, I went on a couple of other dates and slept with someone else when I had been on a few dates with him and lied about it, even when intensively questioned a number of times, suggesting it was the BPD that was making him paranoid, which I was at the time and continue to be very ashamed to have done.

As a result of me being difficult to pin down, he displayed some controlling behaviour and would get very angry/distressed with me and I caught him having hacked into my social media at one point. He also was in touch with at least two women who he had dated before me, one of which called late at night fairly far into our relationship and sounded very familiar on the phone when I made him answer the call and neither were aware of me.

I accidently fell pregnant very early on into the relationship and decided not to go ahead, which was very stressful and upsetting for both of us. I pushed him away, not letting him be around for the aftermath of procedures and he consequently went into episodes which resulted in him confronting his mother about his father's abusive behaviour towards him for hours over the phone and another time ended up with him being treated in hospital for self-inflicted injuries when he punched a window and walls after staying up all night doing substances. After my procedure, he tried to finish with me, as I was showing signs of not being sure I wanted to be in the relationship and suggested I had been the cause of his injuries.

He was out of work when I met him and up until we split up and it wasn't too long before I was lending him money, which he has never paid back. It eventuated that he owed previous partners a good deal of money too. He seemed trapped in a pattern of using cocaine to manage his painful and intrusive thoughts, leading to gambling and then depression. 

I noticed that, even if it was unintentional, he had a tendency to manipulate me into lending him money, I now know it was usually when he was in an episode that he would do that. On one occasion, he asked aggressively if he needed to call his Mum late as night or would I give him some. One night, I gave him my card to buy some wine and he came back and had taken out £100 for substances instead. He did seem to feel very guilty about borrowing money but when in an episode, not at all.

I got very involved in his life and wellbeing and tried to help him find a new career path and attended his psychologist appointments at the hospital a few times. He was waiting for a course of DBT for a long while and still hadn't received it when we broke up.

I lost count of all the episodes I went through with him, it could be that I would turn up and he would be off, snapping at me and being very aloof/almost disdainful, things would escalate with him drinking more and he would get episodes of rage, overwhelming happiness and end up breaking down in tears. If others would be around, things would be worse as he would pick up on dynamics between me and another person and get very agitated by either a lack of connection between said person and I or the suspicion of a flirtation. I now know the trigger would have been him losing money gambling and getting high. Sometimes, I would call him in the morning and not hear back until the afternoon, later down the line he admitted he would have been up all night on his own doing said activities.

For all the above, he was very loving and I thought a good person. We had a strong connection, made each other cry with laughter, sat on a similar plane with regard to politics and what we wanted in life and I had many happy times with him.

It is also not insignificant that I hadn't had a meaningful adult relationship until I met him. I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and he was the first person who managed to push through all my usual tactics of extracting myself from a connection before it had really begun and effectively self-sabotaging, out of an intense fear of getting close to someone and therefore hurt. I would use tried and tested tactics, such as asking to be friends, being shockingly rude or aloof. He said he understood why I was pushing him away and I felt very seen for the first time and very loved, despite my insecurities. I felt that, finally, the right person had come along for me after so many years of waiting.

As his episodes were fairly frequent and my behaviour was erratic, we would regularly be at the point of breaking up but I was convinced he was a victim of abuse and once he could the support he needed, he would be the loving, generous, kind, funny, intelligent and brilliant person I saw him to be over 50% of the time.

The ending of the relationship came very suddenly and was a terrible time for us both. We had actually had a fairly calm run of a couple of months, were in love and had decided to move in together. However, throughout the relationship I was regularly testing him, asking if he did love me, questioning if he was online and not messaging me etc. At this point in time, looking back I think that my anxiety was at an all-time high and I was on a mission to self-sabotage. I repeatedly called him when inebriated in the run up to us moving in together and told him he would be better off without me as he didn’t love me. He insisted he did and told me he’d had to confide in his mum and friends to try to understand I why I would question it.

I coincidentally saw a friend of mine, who also has BPD, and who was in a co-dependent, toxic relationship and has been suicidal when we were about to move in together. When discussing that conversation with my ex, it prompted a confession from him that he has been regularly and secretly spending money on gambling and substances throughout the relationship. From there, I told him I didn’t think we should live together until he had treatment and then finished the relationship.

As he had given notice on his place, this kicked off an awful time of trying to connect him with services to support him and find a new home. I deeply regret pushing it to this level as can now see it would have increased his stress levels and not helped overall.

As I still loved him and hadn’t wanted it to end, I spent the next few months grieving the loss of our close connection and future together. We masqueraded as friends but every time we met it ended with upset from me and anger from him. I tried to keep him close, in the hope he would fight for us but predictably it all built to a head and the last time I saw him he was high and irate bringing up that I had tried to kiss him on one occasion that we had met, and it all imploded and he became cold and dismissive and distant and withdrew from contact.

I didn’t hear from him for six months and then he called me in the middle of the night. When I followed it up, we spoke and he said it had been a mistaken dial. He said he was doing better, having moved to a more rural location, close to friends and family and that he was ready for a partner. When I tried to initiate contact after the call, he was cold and distant again. When I text him in a lockdown, he didn’t reply.

I recently found out that he had met someone a month or so after we had broken up, around the time of our last meeting. They are together 18 months later and, if social media is to be believed, very happy, living together and very committed to one another.

I know I should be happy for him but it fills me with sadness that I was so replaceable and forgettable and I am also tortured by the nagging doubt that my anxiety was the reason we parted ways and not his BPD and that we were right for each other and I could have been happy with him. After all, the red flags were laid out on the table and I never questioned being with him until the anxious spell around moving in together and I know we were very much in love when it ended.
I also know that he’s in a functioning relationship so it feels like the problem was with me and I missed out on what could have been a great love.

I suppose I am reaching out to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and found ways of moving forward.

Thank you,
Hannah

[Hannah78]

Hi everyone,

It's been over 18 months since my ex-partner and I split up but I find myself constantly ruminating/obsessing about the relationship, how it ended and his new life and relationship and feel full of regret, guilt and sometimes anger.

We dated for eight months, which I realise isn't long but I felt it to be a very intense connection. We said we loved each other within a month or so, spoke and messaged constantly and spent most of our time together.

Having read up on BPD fairly extensively during and following the end of the relationship, I now recognise the unconscious 'love bombing' that occurred at the start of the relationship from him towards me. Nobody had ever been so forthcoming about their feelings for me, spoke about a future with a home and children and seemed to see the good in me, calling me smart, kind and self-sacrificing. He would make large gestures/statements of affection, such as getting a cab in the middle of the night with no warning as he 'missed' me and saying I if he ever had to stand up and talk about me, he would say I had 'saved' his life.

He was always very upfront about his diagnosis, which he'd only got six months before I met him. He later showed me a letter showing that he had also been assessed as having PTSD, ADHD and harmful use of substances.

He signposted to his trauma fairly early on, mentioning a very traumatic violent event that he witnessed at a child, his neglectful father and abusive stepfather, who I think he was only just processing his deeply conflicted feelings about. His stepfather had passed away a few years before, which had caused him what sounded like a huge episode and my ex seemed to hold him up but would give away when drunk or high that he had bullied him out of his home, making disdainful comments and not letting him rest when in the house. He also confided that he had been in NA and GA, after various interventions from friends and family, had tried to overdose and had persistent suicidal thoughts due to the debt he had.

Our relationship began with a fair amount of volatility, I went on a couple of other dates and slept with someone else when I had been on a few dates with him and lied about it, even when intensively questioned a number of times, suggesting it was the BPD that was making him paranoid, which I was at the time and continue to be very ashamed to have done.

As a result of me being difficult to pin down, he displayed some controlling behaviour and would get very angry/distressed with me and I caught him having hacked into my social media at one point. He also was in touch with at least two women who he had dated before me, one of which called late at night fairly far into our relationship and sounded very familiar on the phone when I made him answer the call and neither were aware of me.

I accidently fell pregnant very early on into the relationship and decided not to go ahead, which was very stressful and upsetting for both of us. I pushed him away, not letting him be around for the aftermath of procedures and he consequently went into episodes which resulted in him confronting his mother about his father's abusive behaviour towards him for hours over the phone and another time ended up with him being treated in hospital for self-inflicted injuries when he punched a window and walls after staying up all night doing substances. After my procedure, he tried to finish with me, as I was showing signs of not being sure I wanted to be in the relationship and suggested I had been the cause of his injuries.

He was out of work when I met him and up until we split up and it wasn't too long before I was lending him money, which he has never paid back. It eventuated that he owed previous partners a good deal of money too. He seemed trapped in a pattern of using cocaine to manage his painful and intrusive thoughts, leading to gambling and then depression. 

I noticed that, even if it was unintentional, he had a tendency to manipulate me into lending him money, I now know it was usually when he was in an episode that he would do that. On one occasion, he asked aggressively if he needed to call his Mum late as night or would I give him some. One night, I gave him my card to buy some wine and he came back and had taken out £100 for substances instead. He did seem to feel very guilty about borrowing money but when in an episode, not at all.

I got very involved in his life and wellbeing and tried to help him find a new career path and attended his psychologist appointments at the hospital a few times. He was waiting for a course of DBT for a long while and still hadn't received it when we broke up.

I lost count of all the episodes I went through with him, it could be that I would turn up and he would be off, snapping at me and being very aloof/almost disdainful, things would escalate with him drinking more and he would get episodes of rage, overwhelming happiness and end up breaking down in tears. If others would be around, things would be worse as he would pick up on dynamics between me and another person and get very agitated by either a lack of connection between said person and I or the suspicion of a flirtation. I now know the trigger would have been him losing money gambling and getting high. Sometimes, I would call him in the morning and not hear back until the afternoon, later down the line he admitted he would have been up all night on his own doing said activities.

For all the above, he was very loving and I thought a good person. We had a strong connection, made each other cry with laughter, sat on a similar plane with regard to politics and what we wanted in life and I had many happy times with him.

It is also not insignificant that I hadn't had a meaningful adult relationship until I met him. I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and he was the first person who managed to push through all my usual tactics of extracting myself from a connection before it had really begun and effectively self-sabotaging, out of an intense fear of getting close to someone and therefore hurt. I would use tried and tested tactics, such as asking to be friends, being shockingly rude or aloof. He said he understood why I was pushing him away and I felt very seen for the first time and very loved, despite my insecurities. I felt that, finally, the right person had come along for me after so many years of waiting.

As his episodes were fairly frequent and my behaviour was erratic, we would regularly be at the point of breaking up but I was convinced he was a victim of abuse and once he could the support he needed, he would be the loving, generous, kind, funny, intelligent and brilliant person I saw him to be over 50% of the time.

The ending of the relationship came very suddenly and was a terrible time for us both. We had actually had a fairly calm run of a couple of months, were in love and had decided to move in together. However, throughout the relationship I was regularly testing him, asking if he did love me, questioning if he was online and not messaging me etc. At this point in time, looking back I think that my anxiety was at an all-time high and I was on a mission to self-sabotage. I repeatedly called him when inebriated in the run up to us moving in together and told him he would be better off without me as he didn’t love me. He insisted he did and told me he’d had to confide in his mum and friends to try to understand I why I would question it.

I coincidentally saw a friend of mine, who also has BPD, and who was in a co-dependent, toxic relationship and has been suicidal when we were about to move in together. When discussing that conversation with my ex, it prompted a confession from him that he has been regularly and secretly spending money on gambling and substances throughout the relationship. From there, I told him I didn’t think we should live together until he had treatment and then finished the relationship.

As he had given notice on his place, this kicked off an awful time of trying to connect him with services to support him and find a new home. I deeply regret pushing it to this level as can now see it would have increased his stress levels and not helped overall.

As I still loved him and hadn’t wanted it to end, I spent the next few months grieving the loss of our close connection and future together. We masqueraded as friends but every time we met it ended with upset from me and anger from him. I tried to keep him close, in the hope he would fight for us but predictably it all built to a head and the last time I saw him he was high and irate bringing up that I had tried to kiss him on one occasion that we had met, and it all imploded and he became cold and dismissive and distant and withdrew from contact.

I didn’t hear from him for six months and then he called me in the middle of the night. When I followed it up, we spoke and he said it had been a mistaken dial. He said he was doing better, having moved to a more rural location, close to friends and family and that he was ready for a partner. When I tried to initiate contact after the call, he was cold and distant again. When I text him in a lockdown, he didn’t reply.

I recently found out that he had met someone a month or so after we had broken up, around the time of our last meeting. They are together 18 months later and, if social media is to be believed, very happy, living together and very committed to one another.

I know I should be happy for him but it fills me with sadness that I was so replaceable and forgettable and I am also tortured by the nagging doubt that my anxiety was the reason we parted ways and not his BPD and that we were right for each other and I could have been happy with him. After all, the red flags were laid out on the table and I never questioned being with him until the anxious spell around moving in together and I know we were very much in love when it ended.
I also know that he’s in a functioning relationship so it feels like the problem was with me and I missed out on what could have been a great love.

I suppose I am reaching out to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and found ways of moving forward.

Thank you,
Hannah

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hannah78, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar.  No, you weren't the problem, so don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  The reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with  BPD, a terrible disorder.  I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Be kind to yourself.  Get back to being who you are at your deepest level.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea!

Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[ILMBPDC]

We dated for eight months, which I realise isn't long but I felt it to be a very intense connection. We said we loved each other within a month or so, spoke and messaged constantly and spent most of our time together.

Yes, that in tense connection seems to be a very common theme with BPD relationships. I felt like I met my soulmate - and I didn't even believe in soulmates but I felt that he was literally my other half.

Having read up on BPD fairly extensively during and following the end of the relationship, I now recognise the unconscious 'love bombing' that occurred at the start of the relationship from him towards me. Nobody had ever been so forthcoming about their feelings for me, spoke about a future with a home and children and seemed to see the good in me, calling me smart, kind and self-sacrificing.

Same - I never had anyone tell me how awesome I was, how he wanted to be part of my life, talk about children and the future.

For all the above, he was very loving and I thought a good person. We had a strong connection, made each other cry with laughter, sat on a similar plane with regard to politics and what we wanted in life and I had many happy times with him.

Again, that strong feeling of connection is common. In my case, though, a lot of the connection was him mirroring me. Projecting my own thoughts, feelings, desires back toward me. I realized this after he first split me and dated another woman then after they broke up we started talking more often again (we had never fully stopped speaking at that time) and I notices how his wants and desires had changed, and it had only been 4 months. After learning about mirroring I realized he was mirroring her at that point. It shook me a bit, he was so sincere with me and within a few months it had all changed.

He said he understood why I was pushing him away and I felt very seen for the first time and very loved, despite my insecurities. I felt that, finally, the right person had come along for me after so many years of waiting.

I had been single for nearly 10 years after a relationship with a con man psychopath who bankrupted me. He was the first person I had allowed myself to open up to and I felt exactly the same, that this was real, that he was my destiny. Ha.

As his episodes were fairly frequent and my behaviour was erratic, we would regularly be at the point of breaking up but I was convinced he was a victim of abuse and once he could the support he needed, he would be the loving, generous, kind, funny, intelligent and brilliant person I saw him to be over 50% of the time.

Yeah, I excused the red flags in the hopes that with my help I could help heal him as he was healing me. Ha, again.

As I still loved him and hadn’t wanted it to end, I spent the next few months grieving the loss of our close connection and future together. 

I feel like this is one of my biggest pains- we were so close, had such deep, intimate conversations and somehow he was able to just throw it away.

I also know that he’s in a functioning relationship so it feels like the problem was with me and I missed out on what could have been a great love.

Is he though?  They may still be in the idealization phase but it is unlikely it is a truly functioning relationship, even if it seems that way form the outside (and no one ever puts the  bad parts on social media).
Sadly, if he is BPD and is not being treated it is pretty much inevitable that this relationship will implode eventually  as well. Then again, she may have her own issues - I read that people with BPD and people with NPD often have long relationships because they feed off each other.  Or She could be extremely codependent, trying to cater to his every need. I am completely speculating here. Obviously I don't know the woman but my point is that it may be "working" for them because they both have issues that feed the other.

I understand the   desire to try and make sense of it, but the thing is it doesn't make sense. The BPD brain is wired differently. One of the first things I came to terms with was accepting that I will never understand it, which is not my personality at all . For me that was the first step in the process of letting go.

Also, stop checking his social media, you're just beating yourself up with it.  I wonder about him, but I refuse to allow myself to "check in" and see how he is doing because I know it pulls at my heartstrings and throws me into a spiral. Ideally, unfriend him and block him and work to move on. Its so much easier when you aren't seeing his smiling face pop up on social media.

I wish you luck and healing.