Starting to have epiphany

[Boogie74]

I’ve always known that I can’t control or cure her BPD problems.   I have told myself that it isn’t about me.    I have often tried to be accommodating to the best of my abilities.   

But I never really gave myself a dose of reality.   She is responsible for her own person- even though she can’t change things (without therapy).

That means that if I want to change anything, it’s up to me.   She may believe (at times or ALL the time) that my being supportive or emotionally supportive (as well as task supportive in the home) is barely trustable to be sincere (she can’t HELP but question when the other show will fall)- it doesn’t mean I cant do these things anyway.   I may be hurt and insulted when she questions my motives and concludes that it’s just manipulation- but that isn’t up to me.

What IS up to me is how I handle myself and show love and support- not whether she believes that it’s real 100% of the time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[kells76]

 

Way to take appropriate personal responsibility! You are choosing to be responsible for "what's yours" and not to take responsibility for "what's not yours".

Awesome mindset!

[once removed]

youre very right that you cant cure her bpd problems. realistic expectations arent just important, they are vital.

I have often tried to be accommodating to the best of my abilities.   

what this means looks different for all of us. being accommodating, i would suggest, is a necessary skill, if you think of our loved ones as having special needs. being a doormat, on the other hand, is destructive.

when it comes to loving someone with bpd, theres a fine line between loving them, and letting them be the adult that they are; not trying to resolve their problems for them, and being an emotional leader when it comes to knowing their needs, and seeing the conflict between us and them in as close to an objective way as possible.

in other words, i think youre very much on the right track here. just some food for thought about the nuances when it comes to our loved ones.