Help for my niece living with BPD mother? or me, the aunt?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello community. I hope you can help me with resources for my 16-year-old nibling (term for non-binary child of your sibling!) "Jo" (they/them) lives with their mother (my absent brother's ex-wife) who clearly has BPD.  Jo lives in an emotional minefield and has been enduring their mother's raging for years. But now I'm very worried that Mom sees adulthood looming and is trying to make sure Jo feels obliged to be around to be her primary emotional support. She confides in Jo about her childhood sexual abuse by her brother (Jo's uncle). She goes to her bed and cries for hours and tells Jo, "you're the only one who can calm me down."  Jo has often at least seemed to have an adaptive ability to detach (though I worried about attachment issues) but I feel like mom is reeling them in just when they're getting close to being able to remove themself to a healthier distance. Help specifically with this would be very appreciated. I see that this site is only for 18 and up but is there a site with a forum for teenagers, preferably one that's moderated? I saw that someone here recommended Teen Talk but there's really not much with BPD there.


I wrote all of the below then realized it wasn't really necessary to the basic request. No need to read it unless you're interested or come to think of it, if you're in a similar situation to mine (aunt or other family member of a teen living with a BPD parent), I'd love some any advice and support you have.

Jo's father, my brother, was bitterly divorced from the mom when Jo was very young. He maintained contact with Jo until age 11 but between his serious alcoholism, narcissistic personality and all the hateful dysfunction with the ill mom, things fell apart and didn't end nicely. He now lives in Nicaragua, has "wet brain" and cirrhosis from alcohol and is likely out of picture for good which is probably a good thing but the whole father thing is another terrible factor for Jo. My sister and I, my husband and children are Jo's only link to her father's side of the family.

My sister and I took care of Jo for much of 2018 when Jo's mom was extremely ill and out of control but our relationship with her (mom) is extremely challenging. I text Jo regularly and try to have them visit me often but I live about 2 hours away June to October and a 3 hours plane ride, November to May. From afar, I try to run interference with teachers and counselors. It's  a dangerous business but I think really important because the mom "pathologizes' Jo and doesn't acknowledge to anyone in the outside world that she has a mental health problem or  that the home is extremely chaotic. Instead, she blames Jo's supposed ADHD, ODD, depression or anxiety rather than the core issue which is that Jo is completely traumatized and in sympathetic nervous system overdrive. One consequence of this fabrication is that Jo is completely disengaged from life, not willing nor able to have their own relationship with counselors and is unable to independently navigate things that most 16yo kids would be for fear of mom getting "mad" at me. Enraged would be a better word in my experience with mom. For the first time this past year, they failed most of their classes. The pandemic had them home most of the time and now mom convinced school that Jo still needs to be home more because of depression! ARGH.

We are willing to take Jo back to live with us again though it would be hard. They're a very sweet but not easy child - has some adaptive behaviors that are pretty annoying, bless her heart!) and my sister and are both contented empty nesters. But the mother won't do anything that makes it look like she's not a capable parent. And she's super threatened by me and sister because we're both very stable, happy, retired  professionals with happy, stable children. Boarding school is also not an option for same reasons of mom's fragile self-image though I think it would be better than home if coming with me not an option.

[AuntyChattanooga]

Hello community. I hope you can help me with resources for my 16-year-old nibling (term for non-binary child of your sibling!) "Jo" (they/them) lives with their mother (my absent brother's ex-wife) who clearly has BPD.  Jo lives in an emotional minefield and has been enduring their mother's raging for years. But now I'm very worried that Mom sees adulthood looming and is trying to make sure Jo feels obliged to be around to be her primary emotional support. She confides in Jo about her childhood sexual abuse by her brother (Jo's uncle). She goes to her bed and cries for hours and tells Jo, "you're the only one who can calm me down."  Jo has often at least seemed to have an adaptive ability to detach (though I worried about attachment issues) but I feel like mom is reeling them in just when they're getting close to being able to remove themself to a healthier distance. Help specifically with this would be very appreciated. I see that this site is only for 18 and up but is there a site with a forum for teenagers, preferably one that's moderated? I saw that someone here recommended Teen Talk but there's really not much with BPD there.


I wrote all of the below then realized it wasn't really necessary to the basic request. No need to read it unless you're interested or come to think of it, if you're in a similar situation to mine (aunt or other family member of a teen living with a BPD parent), I'd love some any advice and support you have.

Jo's father, my brother, was bitterly divorced from the mom when Jo was very young. He maintained contact with Jo until age 11 but between his serious alcoholism, narcissistic personality and all the hateful dysfunction with the ill mom, things fell apart and didn't end nicely. He now lives in Nicaragua, has "wet brain" and cirrhosis from alcohol and is likely out of picture for good which is probably a good thing but the whole father thing is another terrible factor for Jo. My sister and I, my husband and children are Jo's only link to her father's side of the family.

My sister and I took care of Jo for much of 2018 when Jo's mom was extremely ill and out of control but our relationship with her (mom) is extremely challenging. I text Jo regularly and try to have them visit me often but I live about 2 hours away June to October and a 3 hours plane ride, November to May. From afar, I try to run interference with teachers and counselors. It's  a dangerous business but I think really important because the mom "pathologizes' Jo and doesn't acknowledge to anyone in the outside world that she has a mental health problem or  that the home is extremely chaotic. Instead, she blames Jo's supposed ADHD, ODD, depression or anxiety rather than the core issue which is that Jo is completely traumatized and in sympathetic nervous system overdrive. One consequence of this fabrication is that Jo is completely disengaged from life, not willing nor able to have their own relationship with counselors and is unable to independently navigate things that most 16yo kids would be for fear of mom getting "mad" at me. Enraged would be a better word in my experience with mom. For the first time this past year, they failed most of their classes. The pandemic had them home most of the time and now mom convinced school that Jo still needs to be home more because of depression! ARGH.

We are willing to take Jo back to live with us again though it would be hard. They're a very sweet but not easy child - has some adaptive behaviors that are pretty annoying, bless her heart!) and my sister and are both contented empty nesters. But the mother won't do anything that makes it look like she's not a capable parent. And she's super threatened by me and sister because we're both very stable, happy, retired  professionals with happy, stable children. Boarding school is also not an option for same reasons of mom's fragile self-image though I think it would be better than home if coming with me not an option.

[Methuen]

Wow AuntyC.  I just want to say that Jo is lucky to have you for an aunty, and an advocate.  What you have described sounds chaotic and unhealthy for Jo, and it sounds like Jo is feeling the chaos and struggling in her own ways (maladaptive behaviors, failing grades).

I am  not familiar with a teen version of a site like this one, but perhaps others might have something to offer.

She confides in Jo about her childhood sexual abuse by her brother (Jo's uncle). She goes to her bed and cries for hours and tells Jo, "you're the only one who can calm me down."

Yeah this is not ok.  Did Jo tell you these things?  Has she disclosed any of this to a counsellor? Does she have a confidential counsellor or clinician she trusts by any chance?

You mentioned you would be willing to bring Jo back to live with you although it would be hard.  I am wondering what does Jo want moving forward (with her living situation)?  How enmeshed with her mom is she already?  Does she wish to continue living with her mother, or live somewhere else?  Boarding school?  In your state/region, since she is 16, does she have the legal right to choose where she lives?

I worked with teenagers all my career.  It didn't happen often, but once they reached the age of 16, I came across a few teenagers who lived independently supported financially and emotionally by social services.  All involved recognized this was less than ideal, but the authorities together with the child determined it was better than keeping the child at home.  Presumably other interventions had already been tried, or it was deemed a safety risk to the child to keep them in the parental hom.  It doesn't sound like Jo is in an emotionally safe environment, and certainly not one where her needs are nurtured. 

There are options.  I hope Jo can find a support group.  

[zachira]

It warms my heart to know that Jo has two aunts who care about her and are doing everything to help her while being careful to not get cut off from Jo by her mother. Is there any chance that Jo could get some individual therapy? Some school systems offer therapy for free for any child who requests it or therapy is requested for. Jo may be old enough to sign for permission for her own therapy depending on the laws where she lives and the circumstances of her needing therapy.
I was raised by a mother with BPD and a father with strong narcissistic tendencies. My aunts and uncle who were family scapegoats just like I was did everything they could to help me. I have had a very challenging life though and wish someone could have rescued me from my toxic family environment. You and your sister are walking on eggshells with your sister knowing she could not allow you to have any contact with her daughter or limit that contact. I spent hundreds of hours when I was growing up listening to both my mother and father rage about my scapegoated aunts and uncle. It seems they wanted me to dislike these people, who were my only safety net at the time.
I am wondering if there is sufficient evidence of abuse for a CPS report, though I realize this could totally backfire on you. Do you have any idea what Jo thinks about her situation with her mom? I do think that when you are alone with her, you can be a kind patient ear, listening to how she feels and what her hopes and dreams are for the future. The primary task of an adolescent is to individuate, become a person in their own right. Jo's mother is clearly determined to prevent Jo from accomplishing this task and to make her daughter her caretaker. It hurts to read what this poor girl is going through. I have so much respect for how you and your sister are doing everything you can to help your niece. Know that you are making a big difference in the life of your niece for now and in the future, though it may not seem so at times. We are here to listen and help in any ways we can.