Starting Therapy & DBT

[jmbl]

My partner decided this month (after some of the hardest months I've/we've experienced) to begin therapy and DBT. He is going to one-on-one therapy and together we begin attending DBT together (suggested by the therapist). We start on Tuesday. I am very anxious and nervous to start.

I feel there are many reasons that I feel anxious. 1) He may decide to discontinue it after the first session; 2) It may not help him; 3) What if it triggers something for him or me?

So far his one-on-one sessions have been going well and I just scheduled him for some more. He came home calm from his sessions. He shared some parts with me and spoke positively about it. Before he began attending, I was very anxious that he would decide against it. So... between this and his easy acceptance of therapy, I know that it will likely go better than I am preparing myself for.

Has anyone had experience beginning therapy and DBT? Wondering how others felt and how it went for them.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Therapy can be very beneficial. Does his therapist know that you think he has BPD?

The beginning stages of therapy allow the therapist to get to know the client. It’s later, when issues begin to be dredged up that therapy can become difficult for a PwBPD, as they have to confront things that can be challenging.

[jmbl]

He does have a diagnosis of BPD and the counsellor is aware of it.

Tonight, I came home from a very hard shift and was upset. I like my space, so I was in my room very tearful and he entered, rolled his eyes, and told me to cut it out and get over it. When I mentioned it had to do with work, he continued uttering negative remarks about how he shouldn’t ever have to face it. It turned into him uttering threats of leaving me, not being together, and eventually that he would ‘crack me if M (daughter) wasn’t here.’ In reality, what was most upsetting was knowing that if I came home from work upset he’d respond negatively.

I previously made a post discussing how those with BPD may give emotional supports in different, unconventional ways, but I didn’t mean that it allows them to explode like this. I don’t expect to be coddled, “taken care of,” or to really have a shoulder to cry on when it comes to work related issues, and I do accept that.

I have high doubts that he will attend our first session tomorrow after this behaviour. I know deep down that if he doesn’t, then I cannot be with him. We’ve had a great 3-5 weeks, and this behaviour is just as hard to deal with as any other time. When I am upset from external factors, I deserve my space and I’ve always been like this - give me my space and time, give me a hug, and I’ll be fine. I feel like I am beyond understanding and that DBT is our last hope. I feel that if he fails to go he is doomed to continue poor behaviour patterns ans I know that I can’t be a part of them any longer. I feel like I have tried so hard over the years.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m sorry. It’s not like you were even asking for his support. You were just taking care of your own feelings. 

Yes, it will be telling to see how much he wants to participate.

So what comes next if he decides not to go?

[jmbl]

I will have to leave him, unfortunately. I cannot commit myself to a person who is unable to commit to their wellbeing. Expecting change without effort is futile. I have a nurse friend who has a rental in the nearby ski village that I can rent if I decide to leave. I feel safe having a backup plan that is affordable and trustworthy.

[jmbl]

Here is what he has told me about DBT (even though he is agreeable to going this afternoon):

- They're just going to tell me how to think, you think I haven't been told how to think before? What good has it done?
- It is ruining my day because it is in the middle of the afternoon (he said no mornings, and we have to pick up our daughter in the afternoon)
- Nothing works, nothing helps. Nobody cares and they never have, it's not going to change now.

I think he is fearful that it will not help him, and then he will be a lost cause (DBT is the golden treatment after all, right?). Could I be interpreting this correct/incorrect? How can I best respond? 

[PhoenixKnight]

Hi OP, just wondering if there was an update with this? I’m always curious when people look to get help. More importantly, I hope you are ok.

[jmbl]

Hi OP, just wondering if there was an update with this? I’m always curious when people look to get help. More importantly, I hope you are ok.

Hi PhoenixKnight,

Thank you, I think I'm ok? DBT has been going well. We are only going into our 4th weekly appointment this week. Progress is slow. The sessions are good. We attend together, I don't talk much, and the focus is on N. After the session, I'd say he feels better for 4-5 days. The 2-3 days before the next session are hard, as if he has forgotten what he has learned and the skills he is to practice. In fact, juxtaposed against a 5-day stretch of good N, they seem almost worse than before.

It is really good to be going with him; he says it makes him accountable and makes it more comfortable for him to go (although, when he is dysregulated he has now said 'I don't want you to come with me anymore' - I know this is not true though). I  can provide clarification, validation, and a different perspective to situations he experiences. For me, I learn what skills he is learning. Our life is incredibly busy so it's hard for me to recall skills as the week goes by, but our counsellor offers after-hours coaching for times of dysregulation and points him/me in the right direction of the DBT manual. Time will tell if it helps him get through the whole week, I hope he can get there.