Summoned the strength to block her number

[Depression = 72% of members]

I finally summoned the strength to block her the number after an argument that lead to blocking everywhere. I left her an email wishing her the best and blocked it. I was stuck in a rut where I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing a 2 month silent treatment or a proper breakup. It’s insane that it’s impossible to tell, even though she told me she’s not coming back I didn’t believe her. Anyway, it was taking too much headspace. It’s done now. I did block it a couple of times but then immediately unblocked it. Committing this time.

[IntoTheWind]

I finally summoned the strength to block her the number after an argument that lead to blocking everywhere. I left her an email wishing her the best and blocked it. I was stuck in a rut where I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing a 2 month silent treatment or a proper breakup. It’s insane that it’s impossible to tell, even though she told me she’s not coming back I didn’t believe her. Anyway, it was taking too much headspace. It’s done now. I did block it a couple of times but then immediately unblocked it. Committing this time.

[Cromwell]

I hope this brings you towards an end of that trap of left in wonderment. Closure is something we have to find ourselves, make ourselves even. For me, lately (a month ago) blocking her was the way I found mine. Ive not had silent treatment experience Ive had unwanted bombardment. I can imagine how eery the silence must have been.

Good for you, id support anyone saying no to mind games of any form. there is no place for them in a mature, healthy relationship.

[poppy2]

Congratulations, IntotheWind! It's great to make an affirmative choice for yourself.

I've been through the blocking/unblocking.. I think of it as a process. And finding where you are /want you want in that process is the way to stick with it.

Sometimes when I missed her I unblocked her for a little while, and then blocked her again. I also found it helped me to process her absence. In general I find blocking super immature (why can't communication work?) but in these cases it's necessary for boundaries. It's also necessary for with the bombardment - no more! - or the silent treatment - you can't come back! Mine was also the silent treatment.

[Cant breathe]

I also struggle with blocking/unblocking. Which is funny, since he doesn't call or text anyway. I hope I succeed one day.

[Shaken54]

I struggle with this too, right now I am blocked on both her social media accounts the one I was blocked since she made it and I found that to be suspicious. After I called her out on another lie of many I decided to just unfriend her but not block, that lasted a few days I could still see her page she was posting in a relationship getting all her friends congratulating her then she commented that she wasn't in a relationship.

I feel it was just trying to get a reaction out of me like in the past, after that she blocked me not sure if my phone is too no way to find out other than sending something and that is not happening.

I now found out that she is starting a bit of a smear campaign on me which is fine I'll ignore that too. some people tell me to be prepared for her to contact me at some point i shall see i will not block her on social media or my phone because I dont want her to think she was even on my mind. I do believe that blocking them is the right choice though just dont think that's where I am yet though.

Congratulations to you though for doing that I know its not an easy thing to do.

[Sappho11]

I didn't understand the benefit of blocking until today. My ex never reached out, and in a way, that was confirmation enough for me that he never really cared. In light of some recent developments, however, it isn't entirely unlikely that he will make an attempt to reach out in the near future, and frankly I don't want to hear it.

I've now blocked him. He's recently changed his WhatsApp profile picture and I wish there was a way for me to not see that – apparently blocking someone still lets you see their updates, as long as they haven't blocked you. I don't want to delete the chat because his dysfunctional messages are a golden template for profiling future people with PD's – and not least a reminder of his own rotten behaviour, should he manage to track me down otherwise.

[Ad Meliora]

Good job, IntoTW.  I know it's hard, not just this specific task, but just giving up your BPDex in general.  We're addicted, or were addicted.  Just imagine if heroin could talk?  No one would ever be able to quit!

When I finally established a firm boundary and stopped contact my ex dropped me like no one's business and I basically arrived at the same conclusion Sappho did.

My ex never reached out, and in a way, that was confirmation enough for me that he never really cared.

It took a long time to get there from when I realized how damaging my relationship was with my BPDex.  I started leaving myself 'mental mile markers' when some fairly serious transgressions would occur, where she would leave me feeling awful about myself (a diary helps here).  Eventually I had enough fenceposts in my psyche (now wrapped in wire and electrified) giving me the strength to stand firm.  Effectively saying "you've done enough damage and we're through:  Keep Out".

Bread crumbs, fence posts, mile markers--if you look close enough at your relationship there's likely a trail you left to the beginning.  That can be your strength to stick with the blocking, and no contact.

[Cromwell]

Yes write it down because on a depressed day looking for a mood lift, the mind wants to replay the happy memories. It just takes that vulnerable moment for a message to come through and start the cycle off again.

Writing down is protection against 'forgetting" the abuse moments and the unresolved issues.

[Sappho11]

Good job, IntoTW.  I know it's hard, not just this specific task, but just giving up your BPDex in general.  We're addicted, or were addicted.  Just imagine if heroin could talk?  No one would ever be able to quit!

That's such a vivid picture, and spot on.

It took a long time to get there from when I realized how damaging my relationship was with my BPDex.  I started leaving myself 'mental mile markers' when some fairly serious transgressions would occur, where she would leave me feeling awful about myself (a diary helps here).  Eventually I had enough fenceposts in my psyche (now wrapped in wire and electrified) giving me the strength to stand firm.  Effectively saying "you've done enough damage and we're through:  Keep Out".

Bread crumbs, fence posts, mile markers--if you look close enough at your relationship there's likely a trail you left to the beginning.  That can be your strength to stick with the blocking, and no contact.

+1 for the diary. I started writing down my ex's transgressions after the first discard, and during the second recycle, the list only got longer and longer.

And I'd also like to second the trail left to the beginning. Most of these relationships were never truly "good". We only remember them that way.

The final trial by fire, for me, was to read the lengthy, detailed journal entries I had written when I fell in love with my ex. I hesitated for a long time, thinking they'd make me nostalgic.

They didn't. The whole thing read like a case story of narcissistic abuse from Day One.

Luckily, I had chronicled every glance, every word with uncharacteristic detail – luckily, because it helped me see just how calculating he was from the start: How he would fish for compliments and admiration, how he'd say something kind and how immediately, his expression would change, checking how I would react. How he would reward me with kindness when I reacted to his taste, and how ferociously he would punish me when I didn't. Backhanded "compliments", gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation, cycles of hatred and love – all of this was present even before we got together. I just didn't see it at the time.

This forum, obviously, is a good reminder, too. Before I had all this written material, a trip down the Bettering board sure cleared my head. It seems as if things only ever get worse, never better (and perhaps this is confirmation bias, because happy people don't post on self-help boards, but still). Don't get me wrong, I have profound admiration for the people who somehow summon the strength to remain undaunted in the face of abuse for years and even decades. But I know full well that I wouldn't have the human capacity and generosity to want to trade places with any of them.

[Cromwell]

Some have family members some are married and or kids with financial ties and it's not to easy to just put the phone down and walk off. Also, as adaptive organisms after an amount of time it makes little difference if 3 years or 30 years, the coping mechanisms do their work to put up with it.

You write with alot of clarity Sappho it's refreshing to see folk break off, wake up to their individual needs and forge a different path. Like you said, you could have been stuck longer.

We didn't see it at the time.

It is the same thing for every second of our lives, we never see the full picture of anything, the majority is filtered out. So its not a special case or specific failing its just what it is. Don't punish yourself for seeing the persona is what i mean, its a mask after all.

[Cant breathe]

I applaud you. I sent mine a note today: "Hope you are having a good day." I can't believe I did it. I am embarrassed. He, of course, has not responded.  But maybe I needed to do this to get the strength to block him on social media. He isn't mine anymore, right? He is with the same ex he moved out of his house three times in five years. They are chaos. I don't need to live in chaos. I am (usually, and hopefully one day again) a fully functioning adult who has healthy relationships.
Please someone tell me I am not a complete fool for doing what did today. Help me turn this into a positive for me.

[Sappho11]

I applaud you. I sent mine a note today: "Hope you are having a good day." I can't believe I did it. I am embarrassed. He, of course, has not responded.  But maybe I needed to do this to get the strength to block him on social media. He isn't mine anymore, right? He is with the same ex he moved out of his house three times in five years. They are chaos. I don't need to live in chaos. I am (usually, and hopefully one day again) a fully functioning adult who has healthy relationships.
Please someone tell me I am not a complete fool for doing what did today. Help me turn this into a positive for me.

Cant breathe, focus on that feeling you're having when you're thinking of this incident. Try to name the feeling: Is it anguish? Panic? Anxiety? Shame? Fear? All of these? None of these? Whatever it is, and however terrible it feels – deeply, and I mean deeply, lean into it. This is how your ex's presence in your life is making you feel – and how he has been making you feel for the longest time.

Then, when you feel like you just can't bear it anymore, ask yourself: Is this what you truly want in life? Even through the confusion, you'll hear a tiny, quiet voice in the distance telling you what's right for you and you alone... listen to it.

 

[poppy2]

I applaud you. I sent mine a note today: "Hope you are having a good day." I can't believe I did it. I am embarrassed. He, of course, has not responded.  But maybe I needed to do this to get the strength to block him on social media. He isn't mine anymore, right? He is with the same ex he moved out of his house three times in five years. They are chaos. I don't need to live in chaos. I am (usually, and hopefully one day again) a fully functioning adult who has healthy relationships.
Please someone tell me I am not a complete fool for doing what did today. Help me turn this into a positive for me.

Hey, I just wanna tell you that I can really relate to that feeling of embarrassment. I hope you don't mind if I share a part of my deeper experience: In my case, this came from the feeling of being humiliated. This was very hard to admit to, and is still difficult to feel. I think these people take a sort of 'power' over you thru their decisions and it can be very hard not to 'under' this power afterwards. I think it takes a long time but that is the process of dis-engaging.

Two things helped me with this stage - one, leaning into the feelings, as Sappho said. One exercise I tried was the following one copied below. The other thing that helped me, and is still helping me (I'm not through the woods yet) is to do something else. Do something different when you feel the urge. I know this is very, very hard, but it's basically a way of distracting your mind. You have suffered an awful experience and your mind is trying to catch up. Slowly new experiences do begin to take the place of the old ones.

Here is the exercise, from the book 'healing from a narcisstic relationship' by Margalis Fjelstad, p 83:

"Draw a circle on a piece of paper, and then cut it into four wedges. In each wedge, write a feeling you are having right this minute. If you get stuck with only three feelings, repeat the one that is the strongest. Don’t be surprised if all the feelings don’t seem to go together, for example, angry, frustrated, hurt, and relieved. Think about each feeling until you discover what event brought that feeling to the surface (e.g., I was hurt when Jim cut me of f in midsentence). Then try to pinpoint the self-judgment, conclusion, or assumption that triggered the feeling (e.g., I felt discounted and unimportant). Finally, decide what you want to do about that feeling (e.g., I know I’m important to my children and friends, and it no longer matters what Jim thinks of me).
This exercise can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours or days to do, depending on how easily you can identify your feelings and what event or thought triggered them. Were you able to identify four feelings?
Did you figure out what triggered those feelings in you? How aware of your own thoughts and self-judgments are you? Were you able to fi gure out what you want to do to change what you are experiencing? You have been trying to figure out the narcissist in this same way. Now is the time to focus on your own feelings."

[Shaken54]

Cant Breathe, your not a fool for doing that I know I have done that and more in the past. Its so hard getting free from a BPD they almost have you under a spell. I did not block mine she blocked me on social media both of her pages, I did notice that she unblocked me on one that I was never allowed to be friends with her on not really sure what that means. I guess she was hoping I would reach out I have not, I also know that her other page she still has pictures of us together on there I dont understand that either.

I know I am not true NC because I looked at her social media, I do refuse however too reach out to her after catching her in the One millionth lie 3 weeks ago. That lie was enough to give me the courage to go NC I used to do what you did, "Hope your having a nice day" or Good Morning" You will get to the point where I got eventually and just say enough. I am sure eventually I will not even look at her social media anymore that is the final step I need to take. My story with her is very long full of emotional abuse against me and my family members, Its difficult because I did fall in love with her however the woman I fell in love with is not here anymore sure there is someone walking around that looks like her but the person I fell in love with is gone.

Best of luck in your journey to healing