Sharing one happy and one baffling thought

[poppy2]

Hi,

Partly because the people on this forum have really helped me, and partly because writing is a form of affirmation for me, I wanted to share a happy thought with you.

Over the weekend, I was badly triggered after trying to start dating again, and ended up calling a crisis hotline in my city. After two long conversations the lady on the phone told me something important: these experiences are behind you. True, I now have PTSD, a residual fear of emotional predators and psychopathic behaviours, and a stranger worked out their own abandonment trauma on me in a way that left very deep wounds. At the same time, reminding myself every day, ten or twenty times a day, that I am living in this moment and not those other moments is really a blessing. For me, this hasn't really meant "getting over" the relationship or even accepting that she left me... I still don't think I've done that. But being tethered to the present is new and rewarding.

How would it be if your partner didn't have BPD? For me, it would feel like I did tonight walking home: some sadness and grief, some sense of unfairness, and a large dose of new life. 

I'm not trying to undermine the severity of what anybody experinced (trust me, I know!), but rather trying to re-orient the shape of the experience: If it was a normal breakup, my feelings would fall into the normal range. I feel like letting go has a lot to do with diminishing the effect of these awful behaviours, and I have *maybe* begun that process.

That being said, however, I also wanted to list the human cost of this illness, because I really find it baffling. In the months after being discarded and retraumatized I have needed to speak to: Four friends, a crisis hotline, a counsellor, two therapists, a psychiatrist, strangers on the Internet, and probably other people I am forgetting right now. That is all from the actions of ONE person. I am dumbfounded by it. Of course this one person has their own intergenerational trauma that contributed to their illness, but I am also convinced that if she had treated me like a decent human being I never would have needed to get all this help to survive, and would have preferred not to, honestly, as feeling helpless really sucks. I also believe that she isn't really suffering or feeling remorse and has basically moved on. She got what she wanted and left when it suited her.

it's just kind of unbelievable, isn't it?

[Cromwell]

if I get involved in an automobile wreckage and get rushed to the ER room.

in the space of an hour there will have been at least a dozen specialists involved in the simple remit of attempting to keep me alive. The cost involved before surgery is already in the 5 figures. All that because of a drunk driver, or a driver with BPD who is more prone to risky driving statistically.

do you get the crossover point? It doesnt matter how much help, its as much as you need to get through and get over. What it is a sign of is a strong person to reach out, not everyone does and they try to shoulder this complex grief themselves. I cant imagine that, its almost unbelievable to think what it would be like had I not had any support at all through this.

I know we are "strangers on the internet", but somehow this fact itself made a lot to me. Strangers in my worst emotional moments gave me care and compassion, more so than the relationship id left behind. It opened my eyes and helped me re-evaluate the feelings that I had once had for one person. and we are all people, that helps for some reason to, just to share the grief and be listened to, it makes a hard to describe or rationalise reason. Some posts ive made, ive simply felt better afterwards without any idea why. ive since learned that this is a common finding.

its good you notice this has been something serious and your getting to work on it, in time youll be standing more on your own feet, it wont sting like it once did and who knows you might take the success story and use it to help others if you wish. If my hurt led to my own healing and I can help at least one person, who can help another and so on, perhaps it was not such a "fatal" outcome as I believed it once was, something good has been crafted out of it.

thats maybe a lot to sink in at the moment, its maybe for the back burner, but I hope it gives something to you in relation to this moment you seem to have approached for now poppy. take care, and onwards you go to happier life experiences. learning is key and a rich reward once we get out heads clear enough for it out of the fog. you will. take care now its good to have you here, Crom

[poppy2]

hi Cromwell!

Oh, I totally agree with you! Perhaps I should have written "wonderful strangers on the internet" or "fair company whose hearts bleed together" or something more gracious and poetic! I honestly can't believe the goodness of people online and if I hadn't found this forum I'm pretty sure my life would be meaningless and incomprehensible as I tried to wade out of the wreckage alone.

I totally agree with you that it also just helps to make posts, or to get it out, I believe strongly in community and that is the other side of my post - how I can't feel resentful towards humanity since so many people tried to help me in a crisis. And as I slowly get better I am also trying to help or reach out to people, more specifically those who have suffered sexual assault.

I guess I am also just baffled, a little bit like the car-crash image you provide: Being hit by a drunken driver is such a random act of violence that integrating it into one's life experience is baffling, dumbfounding.. I just can't really believe it. In a way, I'm impressed that one person can carry so much psychic power to be likened (and rightly!) to a car crash. But maybe I am the only one who has such a strangely comic  wtf. 

It doesnt matter how much help, its as much as you need to get through and get over.

This is a really beautiful thought and thank you for sharing it with me. Sometimes I have a "deprivation" (as little as it takes to cope) mentality and it is far better to have an "abundance" one (whatever I need to feel human).

If my hurt led to my own healing and I can help at least one person, who can help another and so on, perhaps it was not such a "fatal" outcome as I believed it once was, something good has been crafted out of it.

   

This is also a beautiful and compassionate thought to share! thank you for your kind words and non-religious blessings to wherever you are.

[Cant breathe]

This is such an insightful thread. Yes, there is a human cost to these relationships -- and
we are it. We all experienced a trauma, it actually might have been easier -- at least in terms of understanding it -- if it was a car crash.

I remember once my ex said told me that there are people who believe "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone." I remember telling him I could never do that because for me, sex is a very intimate act to be shared with someone I love. I wait for love. The reason I say this is... we as a group don't get the easy way out. We gather as many resources as we need -- family, friends, therapists, our wonderful online community -- to hopefully come out the other side of this. I believe one day we will be stronger, healthier. I no longer believe they can be the same.

I would like to get to the point where I am of actual help to someone here. For now, I can only say "I understand how you feel."

[Sappho11]

Lovely thread, and brilliant thought. Yes, the human cost is unreal.

Like you, I leaned on a whole battalion of people in search of solace: one close friend, several distant friends, a long-term pen pal, the crisis hotline (I'd never called that before in my life!), a psychologist, and of course the beautiful people here at the forum.

All because of one perfidious, incompetent sociopath.

I really wish there was a psychological equivalent to the sex offenders' registry, so that society could be warned of those people in advance.

[Cromwell]

previously they were institutionalised. it is a cost reason they are thrown outamongst society, "WE" are the care in the community over-seers. we phone in if the situation gets extreme. and we are the unpaid  victims.

ive also thought of gathering enough petition to make a class action suit or similar to get this dealt with. I certainly feel I should have some sort of compensation for being a pseuo nurse.therapist, social worker

[Ad Meliora]

That being said, however, I also wanted to list the human cost of this illness, because I really find it baffling. In the months after being discarded and retraumatized I have needed to speak to: Four friends, a crisis hotline, a counsellor, two therapists, a psychiatrist, strangers on the Internet, and probably other people I am forgetting right now. That is all from the actions of ONE person. I am dumbfounded by it. Of course this one person has their own intergenerational trauma that contributed to their illness, but I am also convinced that if she had treated me like a decent human being I never would have needed to get all this help to survive, and would have preferred not to, honestly, as feeling helpless really sucks. I also believe that she isn't really suffering or feeling remorse and has basically moved on. She got what she wanted and left when it suited her.

Like you, Poppy, I've found this forum helpful because I've had a chance to finally have a discussion about some of these experiences which my BPDex was completely opposed to discussing (feelings, behaviors, appropriate reactions, etc...)  It all makes a lot more sense to me now already.  I didn't know what BPD was until I looked it up by accident because this past relationship was bothering me still months later.  I read in one old thread about 7 years ago as one person put it, it was only a year long relationship but felt more like 10 years.  My personal trauma experienced in that short-term relationship eclipsed my previous relationship of 15 years.  So yes, if you're dealing with a Non it's a whole different story for sure.

I dated someone for 2 years a long time ago and she told me that if I ever was going to break-up with her that I should just say so, and she would "Drink red wine and listen to Morrissey" to get over me.  I scoffed at it, but that was her coping mechanism and with normal people that's how it works.  We broke up.  She drank wine, and we maintained a professional working relationship with our respective organizations. Not saying there were no sour grapes, but yes, a person could go out for a stroll on a cool night and think fondly (or despondently) about the relationship and you'd get over it and move on.  No PTSD, no Trauma Bond, no altering of brain chemistry.  Just some alcohol and alternative music and Voila!...done.

I think you hit the nail on the head about our BPDex's not suffering.  They shake it off and move on as nothing happened.  Etch-A-Sketch thinking is what I refer to it as.  A temporary sand mandala to be blown away with the wind as chaff.

[poppy2]

.

I dated someone for 2 years a long time ago and she told me that if I ever was going to break-up with her that I should just say so, and she would "Drink red wine and listen to Morrissey" to get over me.  I scoffed at it, but that was her coping mechanism and with normal people that's how it works.  We broke up.  She drank wine, and we maintained a professional working relationship with our respective organizations. 

I think you hit the nail on the head about our BPDex's not suffering.  They shake it off and move on as nothing happened.  Etch-A-Sketch thinking is what I refer to it as.  A temporary sand mandala to be blown away with the wind as chaff.

That's a nice story to share. Mostly I feel really robbed of these opportunities... they're so overshadowed by everything else.

And etch-a-sketch thinking is amazing! what about etch-a-sketch personality? I don't know if it's accurate to go that far but some stories have sounded like that.