The ultimate rejection

[Hope4Joy]

Can we talk about sex? When I don’t consent, this is the ultimate rejection for my husband.  I can recognize that most of our big fights center around times when I have not consented.  I am gaining a new understanding of how he might be feeling about it compared to a normal person…but what can I do? It’s been a problem forever and we have agreed to about an every other day schedule. Sometimes we don’t even skip a day and sometimes I wish to skip an extra day. He will say he can’t sleep without it or be focused enough to get his work done. Oh, and I need to show genuine enthusiasm or it doesn’t count the same.

I have read Come as You Are which is actually what pointed me to Attachment theory and then BPD.
I have gone off birth control as I long felt it affected my mood and drive. Overall I think that was a great move in improving things in the bedroom, (although I do notice we fight more during the PMS time of the month, even though I never identified with PMS before - there must be something he picks up on.)

Anything else to consider making improvements or how I can express to him that a “no” tonight is not a rejection?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Ouch...I'm so sorry that this is a persistent part of your relationship.

I'm obviously coming at this from the other side of things yet I think there may be similarities.

I'm a guy and my pwBPD has been describe by my psychologist as "hyper-sexual".  So when she starts to dysregulate and think I'm (insert horrible thing)...the answer is more sex.

Plus...in the love language space "touch" is really high for her.  Luckily "acts of service" is my high one.

So...bottom line, I rarely "take a night off".  Usually when I do..it's really obvious.  Most of the time if she is wanting sex from me and I'm not in mood or my physical issues prevent actual sex...I try to do something else to get her to orgasm.

So...I don't think I have an answer you are looking for.  When I do say no it sometimes inflames things and sometimes goes fine. 

If you were to go out for brunch or some other neutral setting, would he be able to have a conversation about this?

Best,

FF

[Hope4Joy]

I am really not sure what more I would say than you are feeling too much, which would obviously not be helpful.

I have heard of and considered before that his drive is probably higher under stress whereas mine is lower. I mentioned this to him, but could probably work with it some more.

His top love language is definitely touch…and it’s dead last for me. I actually think acts of service is my top language but I’m not sure I have ever viewed sex that way, so that’s interesting.

[mitten]

Wow, multiple times a week!  I'm lucky if my uBPDw is interested in once a month, so I have the opposite problem.  I feel like once a week would be adequate but we don't even come close.  The only time there is interest from my uBPDw is when we are trying to make a baby...  I know she isn't interested most of the time so it takes the fun out of trying. 

[formflier]

Are there things he could change about his approach that would make the experience better.

Most likely the way forward on this is to move away from yes/no to sex...and put in on a spectrum.  He does this..you do this...you encourage him to x and when he does it you y.

Plus...you might want to think about ways to say yes when you really mean no (hang with me here)


him:  "hey baby...let's...you know...go scare the cat.."  

you:  "that's a wonderful idea...I've been thinking about sex with you all day!  Please start your foreplay with a foot rub...I like the feel of your strong hands."


Now...if he is an azz and just wants his part and rejects your foreplay..well...that sucks, not sure I would continue, but if he plays along..maybe your mood improves...maybe you ask him for something else...and so on and so on.


Best,

FF

[Hope4Joy]

I have been working on an approach like that. Tying things together, I think he would be quite happy if the approach is that my acts of service requests would mostly be in the bedroom rather than around the house.

[formflier]

  I think he would be quite happy if the approach is that my acts of service requests would mostly be in the bedroom rather than around the house.

I'm sure you are right...that being said..that's not life.

One of the big "axioms" of learning to deal with pwBPD is to let them learn to deal with life...no enabling..no saving...no rescue.

If they claim it is hard..validate validate...leave the door open for "together" time later, but don't rescue them from life.

Would you like to work through some he said she said and maybe learn some different techniques/approaches?

Best,

FF

[mitten]

If they claim it is hard..validate validate...leave the door open for "together" time later, but don't rescue them from life.

FF

This is great advice.  Thanks FF.  It's so easy to get lost in the FOG and try to rescue them. 

[Hope4Joy]

I knew that wasn’t the only answer. I’m willing to try. I am a technical person and all the nuance of the communication is not natural for me.

[formflier]

I knew that wasn’t the only answer. I’m willing to try. I am a technical person and all the nuance of the communication is not natural for me.

Join the club.  I'm ESTJ.  Very strong on the "thinking" side of things.  My wife is INFP..oh..she "feels" almost all the time...thinks every once it a while.  Because I'm not "thinking" about feelings...I tend to invalidate (or used to much worse).

So now I "think" about things to address her feelings...I kinda figure out what I'm going to do...do it...and then move on.

When I first started intentionally doing this...if felt very "clunky" and "fake".  Give it time.  It will get better.

Best,

FF

[AlwaysMean]

I also have a relationship with a bpd that is hypersexual(everynight) and it was devastation if we didn't play. I lived your story and it is hard to keep up with this demand if we are not mentally prepared for it ourselves. I didn't realize until I read this thread that I was able to get control of the frequency of the bedroom time by repeating the same thing with the SET method at the first sign he wanted sexual attention. He began to have some compassion for realizing I wasn't giving up on my feelings. I got a little space now. He still asks but not so close together.

The other thing that helped, I think, is that his other FP(favorite person) is coming to visit more. As long there other people he has an FP attachment to around, his fixations maybe shared with others (not talkin physical fixations).

I know this journey is different for everybody. This is just how it worked for me.

[Hope4Joy]

I have seen a lot about SET, but haven’t studied or tried it yet. Can you give an example of how it works for you?

[AlwaysMean]

1)I care for you and love you...
2) I know you need something from me right now and it might frustrating getting it sometimes...
3) ... I am not feeling it right maybe we can try again later. Or I am not feeling it at the moment but maybe we can do something to get me in the mood...

1) support - create a positive emotion of reassurance (this is the framework)
2)Empathy - let her/him know you are paying attention and feel for them
3)  Truth - Say what you need to stay (document the triggers so you know what vocab or phrases to work around)(This last one is going to take practice but stay with it and you will begin to see results)