dp7
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 19
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« on: August 14, 2023, 04:35:51 PM » |
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Hi all,
I don’t know where to start or how to properly speak to all that I’ve endured. What I do know is that I’m struggling and I need help, comradery, and people that understand the complexity of what I’m experiencing.
I’ve been in a gay relationship with a man that I very much love for 3 years now. What started as a friendship morphed into more over the course of 6 months and we’ve been together ever since. In the beginning of our relationship, things seemed to be relatively normal, though he definitely had some quirks. There were days where all would seem fine until my partner suddenly decided to isolate. I didn’t think much of this. It was both of our first time living with a significant other and, being an introvert myself, there were times where I suddenly felt the need for space. In the past, I’d do that via alone time in my room.
Flash forward to a year later and then suddenly the need for isolation forced to what I could only describe as a Jeckle & Hyde dynamic. My partner and I put ourselves in a high stress living scenario over the course of the pandemic that involved city hopping every few months. In this period of time, suddenly he’d get very upset with me and essentially do a complete 180 on things that he said, promises that he made, and with his overall demeanor. We argued and, back then I was pretty good at standing my ground… refuting the illogic and calling out the sudden change in things he was saying and doing. It was interesting in that this seemed to work a lot better than how I’m handling things now, at least in retrospect. We’d get into an argument, and then hours later or the next day he’d be reasonable and apologetic and we’d move on.
Flash forward to a year after that and things began escalating rather dramatically. Arguments turned into complete turmoil on his end. He’d go into deep dark spirals, very illogical and emotional, we’d both argue, cry, and then come together. In these moments he admitted to me that he was very depressed and didn’t know how to handle it. Things continued to get worse and he started sneakily taking drugs to ease his emotional pain behind my back. I caught him doing this during the winter holiday last year, he went into a deep shame spiral, and decided to research what was going on with him. He eventually stumbled upon BPD and fully identified with the disorder, and asked me for my thoughts on whether or not I thought he had this.
Suffering from my mental health difficulties myself (anxiety / hypochondria that was triggered by a cancer scare), I told him that although I did see how he could think that, the only way he could determine that is if he sought out the guidance of a therapist. With that, he decided he wanted to see a couples therapist — which I had to do all of the research for. We started seeing a couples therapist with BPD experience and started undergoing weekly sessions with her. Things seemed to improve significantly and rather quickly. His flare ups went from happening every few days last year to every 2-3 weeks. Our therapist also recommended that we both seek out individual therapy. He did his own leg work for that and started seeing a therapist that also had experience treating BPD, but used EMDR and talk therapy to treat it rather than traditional DBT.
All the while, I started doing my own BPD research. I’ve read STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS & THE ESSENTIAL FAMILY GUIDE FOR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Those two books have provided me with so much insight. I realized that I was handling things in almost the exact opposite way than how I should have been. With that, I feel like I shot myself in the foot a bit. I went from one end of the communication spectrum to the complete other… where now I’m overthinking my communication skills, his BPD, and anticipating his reactions. I know that my answer is to operate somewhere in the middle of how I used to respond and how I’m responding now, but I get so stuck and anxious when he’s flaring up, and I end up resorting to negative habits. I’m essentially walking on egg shells still, but this time worried about the complexities of communicating with a BPD. My pwBPD has also decided to take a therapy break. He said he learned a lot and wanted to practice those skills and tools before learning more… and with that, I’ve noticed he’s been having more flare ups recently (which have finally brought me to posting on this board).
This weekend we celebrated my 30th birthday with friends in Chicago and it has been an absolute disaster. Last week, while we were preparing for this trip, he had another flare up out of nowhere. He woke up one morning and got super upset about the pile of laundry in our spare bedroom — mind you, this was a pile that he created while cleaning out the closet but not finishing his work. He decided to blow up on me via text while I was on my way to work. Knowing that we were perfectly fine the night before, and that he now had a BPD diagnosis, I sought out the stories on this board to help ground myself. I carried on with my work day as normal, with a bit of anxiety, but I carried on without feeding his BPD lion with a response. Instead I validated his frustration with the pile of clothes and told him I could help him organize things this weekend. When I got home that evening, he continued to blow up on me. I could tell he was emotionally dysregulated but agreed to his plea for having a conversation (which I now know was a mistake). We had the conversation, and I tried my very best to just listen to the feelings behind his words, validate them, and not take anything he was saying personally. But, alas, he really got to me and I snapped on him making things worse. I then asked him for space but he wouldn’t leave me alone so I left the house for a couple of hours. When I got back home, I locked myself in the spare bedroom, relaxed, and fell asleep. The next morning he tried to talk to me as I was heading out for work but I gave him simple answers and told him I needed to go. We left it at that and then he later texted me super apologetic, feeling an intense amount of shame, and asked me if we could try a new protocol where I flagged his dysregulation for him and gave him a few hours of space. I talked to my therapist about this and she said it wouldn’t hurt to try something new.
1 week later and we’re now in Chicago for my birthday and he’s very dysregulated again. Trips with him have gotten terrible in the last year. Any stressor sends him off into the BPD abyss. He was able to have a conversation with me this morning, but when I could tell he was getting too heated, I asked him if we could put a pin in the conversation until we got back home because I wanted to enjoy my birthday. This set him off and he went to the hotel bar for space, came back and took a nap. He woke up even more enraged and started bickering at me while we were having lunch, explaining that he was mad that I didn’t want to have a relationship conversation now. I further explained that I simply wanted to enjoy my birthday with the man I love and with friends I love. He continued berating me, went from a level 6 of anger to a level 9, told me I was now responsible for paying the bill, mocking me, the works. I remained calm and told him we could split the bill. He kept at it and finally I told him “I think you’re unregulated right now so let’s take a break from this conversation”. This enraged him — and he’s in denial about ever saying that. I sent him the screenshot of the text where he said that exactly and then he said “while I changed my mind and now we’re done”. He left me at the restaurant and then texted me that we were done and he’d put in our notice with our landlord tomorrow morning. I have not texted back. I am now in Chicago, alone and at a coffee shop, feeling pretty sad. He ruined my birthday with his petty bickering all weekend, he walked out on me at a restaurant, and he’s holding our relationship over my head. Despite feeling sad, I think I’m handling things a lot better than I would have. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be threatened, I don’t want my vacations to be ruined, but at the same time I love this man very much, he’s fantastic when he’s regulated, and he’s made so much progress since getting his official BPD diagnosis back in the beginning of April.
I guess I’m not seeking specific advice right now, just a forum to let out all of my thoughts, hopefully hear some relatable stories, and really just be understand.
I appreciate you all for reading!
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