One good thing your ex left you with: Peaceful Easy Feeling (?)

[Ad Meliora]

One good thing, that's all I'll ask, that your BPDex left you with that you can take away and say--"huh, it wasn't ALL bad."

My ex could sing and play guitar (acoustic).  In the early months when she was 700 miles away out West she called me up one night after learning the chords to "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles.  She hit it pretty good, but got a bit frustrated as she missed some of the changes.  She was a perfectionist when it came to these things.  It was beautiful, and ultimately completely ironic as I rarely had a 'Peaceful Easy Feeling' around her anytime!  If we could've managed to stay together and there wasn't the PD monster, it likely would've been "our song".

And I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Aw but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go

And I got a peaceful easy feelin'
And I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin'
On the ground

I get this feelin' I may know you
As a lover and a friend
This voice keeps whisperin' in my other ear
Tells me I may never see you again

'Cause I get a peaceful easy feelin'...

[IntoTheWind]

Good coffee orders, she introduced by to this guy @themacrobarista on instagram that shows you how to make great Starbucks drinks that fit your diet macros.

[poppy2]

From my never to be named pwBPd, I would say it's the ability to shoot a camera (she was a filmmaker). I'm not grateful to her, but it's a skill that will stay with me.

From my second... hmm. I don't know? I think she never really loved me, so perhaps there were no selfless gifts to carry forward.

But I like the question you ask very much.

[once removed]

my ex was the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met. she was so good at it, she might be the best gift giver i ever meet.

it wasnt just me, either. we had a mutual friend who agreed with me.

she had a way of finding gifts that you just never thought of yourself, never knew you wanted, never knew you needed, maybe werent aware it existed. and they made you feel so appreciated and seen.

a number of the ones i still have, and cherish, were musical. im a drummer by trade (she was a terrific cymbal picker, and thats probably even more impressive; im incredibly picky and would ordinarily never want someone to pick out a cymbal for me) but at the time, i was picking up the keyboard. i was feeling pretty good about my progress and building confidence, and, at the time, my dad sort of snubbed me, didnt take my playing very seriously, and it bugged me. for christmas, she got me a midi keyboard, and she got me this usb microphone that doubled as both a microphone, and a device you could plug into the midi keyboard, among other things, to record. i was touched, and i was also kind of impressed; i wasnt really aware of these sorts of things. and she listened to the recordings i made with them.

there were other things. sitting next to me on my desk is a neat...i dont know really know how to describe it. its kind of a jagged egg shaped crystal holograph of one of my favorite presidents, in a fancy box. she was very creative, too. for valentines she gave me a giant measuring cup full of my favorite stuff that said "you cant measure my love".

it was a healthy, fun sort of competition almost. im not a very material person myself, and there are a lot of ways to make me feel appreciated and seen, but i am a big gift giver, and she was just so clever and creative at it, she kicked my butt. at a certain point i was just trying to compete quantity wise.

[Ad Meliora]

Good coffee orders, she introduced by to this guy @themacrobarista on instagram that shows you how to make great Starbucks drinks that fit your diet macros.

Thanks for the replies.  I'm a sucker for a good Chai Tea Latte.  Although much maligned, the ones at Starbucks, are mighty fine.  I like mine with soy.

Poppy, that sounds like you got a decent skill out of the first r/s.  You know, after I lamented to my mom about my BPDex she refers to her as "That who will not be named" as well.  It's too much for people to hear and honestly after the trauma you just don't even want to say their names anymore.

From my second... hmm. I don't know? I think she never really loved me, so perhaps there were no selfless gifts to carry forward. --Poppy

I'm surprised that you don't have anything from the most recent r/s.  That's too bad.  I'm equally surprised that you're still so hung up on the lack of closure if you feel that she never really loved you.  It could be that she was nice when you were sick, that is a gift in a way I think.

Once, my ex was a big-time shopper and gift giver too.  She was a spendthrift and that was a problem (as well as a BPD trait).  She did like to think a lot about gifts for others for their birthday and often would shop second hand stores to try and find the "right" thing.  She was thoughtful in that way, and that was about the only way.  I have gifts from her but really it is just "stuff" to me and not that special.  I think she enjoyed shopping for them more than I did getting them.  She got me a couple of Star Wars themed T-shirts as she knew I liked goofy shirts.  One has Han Solo with a guitar and has the lettering in Star Wars type saying "Guitar Solo".  Another has a picture of Han Solo with the words "I know" over it.  She had to explain it was the last words he said to Princess Lea before he was encased in Carbonite.  She said she "loved him" before that.  Always so obtuse, she was...    She could never say what she really wanted to or felt.  It was easier to buy me a T-shirt, or some socks made from a German sounding performance fiber thinking I'd like it for that reason alone. 

I'm glad you got some good gifts out of the deal, and were inspired to give good gifts too, thoughtful gifts.  That seems only like a good thing.

[poppy2]

I'm surprised that you don't have anything from the most recent r/s.  That's too bad.  I'm equally surprised that you're still so hung up on the lack of closure if you feel that she never really loved you.  It could be that she was nice when you were sick, that is a gift in a way I think.

Yeah, I was out shopping for dresses the other day and thought of her (she lent me dresses and also said that her clothes looked better on me, and it's true, they did ) But then, I immediately thought of the words she said to devalue me, I feel that is what is holding me back from safely connecting to the good things. I don't know if you had to go through that or not but it was very painful to suddenly hear our time, from the beginning onwards, trashed by somebody who you gave love and care too. "fear is a man's best friend" is a song I know she listened to, and as a Hermit she was very fearful.. the response was to devalue and disappear. 

Once, my ex was a big-time shopper and gift giver too.  She was a spendthrift and that was a problem (as well as a BPD trait).  She did like to think a lot about gifts for others for their birthday and often would shop second hand stores to try and find the "right" thing.  She was thoughtful in that way, and that was about the only way.  I have gifts from her but really it is just "stuff" to me and not that special.  I think she enjoyed shopping for them more than I did getting them.  She got me a couple of Star Wars themed T-shirts as she knew I liked goofy shirts.  One has Han Solo with a guitar and has the lettering in Star Wars type saying "Guitar Solo".  Another has a picture of Han Solo with the words "I know" over it.  She had to explain it was the last words he said to Princess Lea before he was encased in Carbonite.  She said she "loved him" before that.  Always so obtuse, she was...    She could never say what she really wanted to or felt.  It was easier to buy me a T-shirt, or some socks made from a German sounding performance fiber thinking I'd like it for that reason alone. 

This really makes me think of the 5 "love languages", one of which is receiving/giving gifts. I get the obtuseness of your ex very much I had the same... in a way, these tiny gestures can feel more meaningful as there is such clear effort behind them, even if there is a kind of "plausible deniability" there as well. Have you thought about which love language you used to express affection? my ex actually introduced that idea to me and I like it.. mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. I feel my ex's were quality time and acts of service.

[Turkish]

Keeping a cleaner house. As the child of a hoarder, I can appreciate it though it's never good enough. It was never good enough when she lived with us either, so I try my best and let her anxiety-driven comments slide. They've tend to have gotten worse since we got Big Puppy. Like Lucy from Peanuts and "dog germs!"

I took her to the vet this last weekend and they confirmed that she doesn't have fleas no matter what my ex thinks.

But the greatest gift was our kids.