Pulling away and going quiet- help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
This is my first post. I have a boyfriend that has not confided in me that he has bps, but because of all of his actions and my research I highly suspect this is the case. Currently we have been dating off and on since April. Off and on because of the push pull breakup cycle. Right now he has gone quiet, out of the blue when everything seemed to be going amazing. He started pulling away slowly last week, less texting, not responding to my texts. When he did text is was flat. His last text was 2 days ago saying he was struggling with being worthy and couldn’t figure out any more than that. I text back that I understand he struggles with this and that I am not going anywhere and will be here when he is ready to connect. Do I stay silent and give him space or should I text every now and then so he knows I care. It’s so confusing for me.  Any help is greatly appreciated!

[Kla]

Hi,
This is my first post. I have a boyfriend that has not confided in me that he has bps, but because of all of his actions and my research I highly suspect this is the case. Currently we have been dating off and on since April. Off and on because of the push pull breakup cycle. Right now he has gone quiet, out of the blue when everything seemed to be going amazing. He started pulling away slowly last week, less texting, not responding to my texts. When he did text is was flat. His last text was 2 days ago saying he was struggling with being worthy and couldn’t figure out any more than that. I text back that I understand he struggles with this and that I am not going anywhere and will be here when he is ready to connect. Do I stay silent and give him space or should I text every now and then so he knows I care. It’s so confusing for me.  Any help is greatly appreciated!

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[Rev]

Hi,
This is my first post. I have a boyfriend that has not confided in me that he has bps, but because of all of his actions and my research I highly suspect this is the case. Currently we have been dating off and on since April. Off and on because of the push pull breakup cycle. Right now he has gone quiet, out of the blue when everything seemed to be going amazing. He started pulling away slowly last week, less texting, not responding to my texts. When he did text is was flat. His last text was 2 days ago saying he was struggling with being worthy and couldn’t figure out any more than that. I text back that I understand he struggles with this and that I am not going anywhere and will be here when he is ready to connect. Do I stay silent and give him space or should I text every now and then so he knows I care. It’s so confusing for me.  Any help is greatly appreciated!

Hi Kla - welcome to the community. Here is a great place to learn and share, share and learn. And the really great thing - no one here will judge you and instead come to you from a place of experience and understanding.

You've asked some pretty pointed questions here that, based on the limited information we have at this stage, will be difficult to answer.

As you read this - what else can you share comfortably that might give more context?

- How long have you been together?
- I am assuming that you don't live together?
- Do either of you have children? If so, how is that going?
- What is it about the relationship that is motivating you to better it? 

- What might happen if you choose to do nothing? What's your best guess?  Or is your intuition spinning round and round right now?

- Anything else you might think of?


Write back when you feel ready. In the meantime, welcome again. And hang in there.

Rev

[Kla]

Hi Rev,
Appreciate your reply.
We are a new relationship. Both been married and divorced. Him married 26 years. He is 56. Our relationship is amazing except when he goes quiet, literally out of nowhere. We don’t argue, he is never mean to me. The last time he broke up with me, he was kind and made sure I knew I was wonderful that it wasn’t me. When we reconnected it was slow. Texting only for weeks then a phone call here and there and finally we connected in person, twice then he went silent again. I am not sure if I don’t reach out what he will do. I worry about his safety, his mental stability. My mind is very confused and I love and want to support him in a way he needs.

[Rev]

Hi Rev,
Appreciate your reply.
We are a new relationship. Both been married and divorced. Him married 26 years. He is 56. Our relationship is amazing except when he goes quiet, literally out of nowhere. We don’t argue, he is never mean to me. The last time he broke up with me, he was kind and made sure I knew I was wonderful that it wasn’t me. When we reconnected it was slow. Texting only for weeks then a phone call here and there and finally we connected in person, twice then he went silent again. I am not sure if I don’t reach out what he will do. I worry about his safety, his mental stability. My mind is very confused and I love and want to support him in a way he needs.

Hi Kla,

Thanks for the quick reply.  

If going silent out of the blue is the only thing, then I am not sure that sounds like BPD.  My intuition tells me Bi-Polar, leaning towards the depressive side.  And/or there is a possibility of deeper trauma that produces high anxiety.

Just an intuitive guess.

If I am right, then I would say that offering a simple text - something along the lines - "Hi ______. Just letting you know that you are in my thoughts."  every now and then. "Hoping your day is okay." is another one.

Just nothing that puts pressure on him to reconnect faster than he's ready.

Does that make sense.

[Kla]

Hi Eric,
Thank you so much for the input. It does make sense and it was my first instinct to reach out in that manner.
I am not 100% certain that he does have bpd. When he expresses to me he emphasizes his feeling of being unworthy of my love, insecure, anxious, extreme highs and lows with emotions that it is difficult for him to have a stable baseline of emotion, he is intense in his feelings. He feels like he has people who are there for him such as myself and his 2 grown children but he feels alone.
He voiced he was scared of reconnecting with us , because he was going to fail.
Again, a lot to take in and not sure how to support.