My ex girlfriend has BPD and I need support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I am new on this site, and honestly have a lot to say but would like to shorten it up. My ex girlfriend, we have known each other for 4 and a half years now, we were off and on the entire time. When we met, she was single and enjoyed being single and casually dating. However, we ended up moving in together and being in a relationship that didn’t last very long. It was about 2 1/2 years into knowing her that she was diagnosed with BPD. If I ever say that she is abusive, physically and emotionally, she would say that I am victim blaming because of her mental health. She has been both physically and emotionally abusive towards me. She has made me feel at my lowest in terms of self esteem from her BPD rages where she’s saying I’m not attractive enough, that I was a waste of her time, that I’m evil, threatening my life, sending me nude images of all of her random flings, and so on. I have tried to end things completely because she’s not getting the help she needs and continues to hurt me, but it never works out. I understand the fear of abandonment and have done my research on BPD, however I need to heal. And I have gotten to the point that I’ve isolated myself. I recently moved to a new city alone for college, I am 26, and wanted to go back to school. I don’t feel like myself, like I can’t meet new people or move on unless my ex is no longer in my life. But both seem impossible. She has no social support, and it seems that sleeping with random girls is one of her vices. This is a trait of people with BPD that doesn’t seem to be talked of often, but I read about it someplace after doing a lot of research. People with BPD tend to have unhealthy relationship even sexually. And it really hurts me, because I feel like I am being used. It’s hard to be understanding that maybe the hurtful things she has said or done is due to her BPD rage, and at the same time not feel hurt by the things that are said and done. I just feel stuck.

[panda019]

Hello, I am new on this site, and honestly have a lot to say but would like to shorten it up. My ex girlfriend, we have known each other for 4 and a half years now, we were off and on the entire time. When we met, she was single and enjoyed being single and casually dating. However, we ended up moving in together and being in a relationship that didn’t last very long. It was about 2 1/2 years into knowing her that she was diagnosed with BPD. If I ever say that she is abusive, physically and emotionally, she would say that I am victim blaming because of her mental health. She has been both physically and emotionally abusive towards me. She has made me feel at my lowest in terms of self esteem from her BPD rages where she’s saying I’m not attractive enough, that I was a waste of her time, that I’m evil, threatening my life, sending me nude images of all of her random flings, and so on. I have tried to end things completely because she’s not getting the help she needs and continues to hurt me, but it never works out. I understand the fear of abandonment and have done my research on BPD, however I need to heal. And I have gotten to the point that I’ve isolated myself. I recently moved to a new city alone for college, I am 26, and wanted to go back to school. I don’t feel like myself, like I can’t meet new people or move on unless my ex is no longer in my life. But both seem impossible. She has no social support, and it seems that sleeping with random girls is one of her vices. This is a trait of people with BPD that doesn’t seem to be talked of often, but I read about it someplace after doing a lot of research. People with BPD tend to have unhealthy relationship even sexually. And it really hurts me, because I feel like I am being used. It’s hard to be understanding that maybe the hurtful things she has said or done is due to her BPD rage, and at the same time not feel hurt by the things that are said and done. I just feel stuck.

[EYFGT]

Hey man I am so sorry for what you are going through. My ex bpd girlfriend was similar and the only advice I can offer you is to just move on and cut her out of your life for good. Nothing good is going to come from this girl and you don’t deserve any of the things she has done to you. I know it’s so hard and that you have real feelings for her, but you need to heal and you don’t need her in your life.

[Mutt]

Hi panda019,

Im sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site. I can understand how hard it is to focus on things that you enjoy while you’re trying to survive a break up with a owBPD. That’s a sign that it’s probably too soon. It sounds like you’re sorting out feelings regarding values.

I suggest to read as much as you can about BPD, you’ll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

What are you thoughts about hanging the r/s duybamics do that you can focus on your healing?

[poppy2]

Hi panda019,

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I think for now you've landed in a really good place and it's probably best if you tell more of the story, it's cathartic to get it out because people here will understand the predicaments and challenges you face. Reading the other posts and the resources is also really helpful, because more often than not someone has been in exactly the position you're in in the past.

I would like to say a few things to you - abuse is abuse, whether it comes from mental health or not. The question is, are there significant changes after this? is there a concrete reason for you to stay in this relationship, it may be better for both of your sakes if you step away if you're in irresolvable patterns (that's very hard to do, I know). I read you saying that you want to step away, but that it's impossible. Can I ask why (and this means maybe, why for you, not why for her)? Because in the end, and this is also very hard to accept, but you can only control / look at / hope for your own actions and choices... and whatever difficulties or struggles your partner faces, she needs to be responsible for them.

I say that also because, eventually, if you take on the 'rescuer' role it will lead to more toxicity (the Karpman triangle is a really great explanation of how this happens in relationships, it comes from the book 'stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist' which I can recommend to you).

Best wishes
poppy