How do I proceed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Once again, our therapist and my wife have convinced me the only problem is my inability to ask for what I need in our relationship and my unwillingness to just let her be angry.  My wife is very high functioning and has convinced everyone else in the world she is an amazing women. Really she is, except during these episodes, which are always focused at me and, occasionally, our sons.

How do I handle these events? Honestly, I never did raise my voice, say a harsh word toward her, nor criticize her in any way the entire evening.

This evening, my wife demanded I leave the house, without cloths, for an undetermined amount of time because I was “making her crazy.” I left the room and very calmly offered to go upstairs or leave after I finished my protein drink.  She followed me into the kitchen, declared I was making her crazy and threatened to call the police. Calmly, I told her she is free to call the police, close the door, go to another part of the house, or leave, if she wanted.

My calmness elicited a scream, followed by a number of threats, calling me abusive and describing me as “incredibly cruel”. On leaving the house, she declared that she would “never recover” and threw a steel cup full of milk at my head. Hitting me, the milk exploded all over me, the carpet, and my computer.  She returned after a while and has not talked to me since. I am giving her all the space she needs but I am also sending an occasional text to tell her I am sorry to see her so sad.

This type of behavior has happened before, fairly frequently. It is the foundation of my fears and a major reason I do backflips to accommodate her...leading her to say this is the source of our problems. 

Where do I go from here? Help!

[CHChuck]

Once again, our therapist and my wife have convinced me the only problem is my inability to ask for what I need in our relationship and my unwillingness to just let her be angry.  My wife is very high functioning and has convinced everyone else in the world she is an amazing women. Really she is, except during these episodes, which are always focused at me and, occasionally, our sons.

How do I handle these events? Honestly, I never did raise my voice, say a harsh word toward her, nor criticize her in any way the entire evening.

This evening, my wife demanded I leave the house, without cloths, for an undetermined amount of time because I was “making her crazy.” I left the room and very calmly offered to go upstairs or leave after I finished my protein drink.  She followed me into the kitchen, declared I was making her crazy and threatened to call the police. Calmly, I told her she is free to call the police, close the door, go to another part of the house, or leave, if she wanted.

My calmness elicited a scream, followed by a number of threats, calling me abusive and describing me as “incredibly cruel”. On leaving the house, she declared that she would “never recover” and threw a steel cup full of milk at my head. Hitting me, the milk exploded all over me, the carpet, and my computer.  She returned after a while and has not talked to me since. I am giving her all the space she needs but I am also sending an occasional text to tell her I am sorry to see her so sad.

This type of behavior has happened before, fairly frequently. It is the foundation of my fears and a major reason I do backflips to accommodate her...leading her to say this is the source of our problems. 

Where do I go from here? Help!

[ForeverDad]

You described DV.  Did you know that?  What do you think you should do?  If you do not report this or at least share it with someone, you may not be able to be credibly relate the incident later on.  No documentation.

Today it can be described as an emergency.  When is it not an emergency?

For example, if you called emergency responders on their emergency line and said, "Last year my ex..." they'd tell you "Then it's not an emergency, call us back when it is an ongoing emergency."

The system is set up to respond quicker when the emergency responders are involved.  The longer the delay the harder to get action.  That's the price of being a Nice Guy or Nice Gal and waiting to see what happens.  Delay (and the resumed contact) makes the urgency seem less.

Even if you don't step forward with this incident, be aware that if it has happened once, something like this, or worse, will almost surely happen again.  Have you ponder what you will do the next time she is raging?  (A few months before my marriage's implosion and divorce I bought a couple digital voice recorders.  This was over 15 years ago and my device options were limited.  I had the intention to document my spouse's rages — and that I was not the one misbehaving — but most never got recorded, they flared up that quickly.)

[CHChuck]

You described DV.  Did you know that? 

So I am not the abusive one? I am glad to be sure of this. My thinking is if I don't try to control her behavior in any way, I cannot be abusive. While, I've learned to be remarkably calm, I cannot hide my "glaring" and body language, especially with such a perceptive spouse.

Recording all of this is a very good idea. I have also called the local DV hotline and plan to talk about it with our therapist.

Over the past year, I have suggested we separate on a number of occasions. The abject terror I see in her face when I say this shocks me to my core. Ironically, she holds all of the wealth, multiple millions, and has used it to hold me in the relationship. As someone who was homeless as a teen, her threats send me to those days.

I am an athlete who is twice as big and much more powerful than my wife. I'm not all that worried about my physical wellbeing. But I do worry about my financial wellbeing.

Most importantly, my wife is my best friend (except for those occasional explosions), is there any hope of her learning not to do this?

[CHChuck]

but most never got recorded, they flared up that quickly.)

Yes! They flare so quickly...truly within minutes. By the time I even think to record, we are deep in it.

[GaGrl]

There are voices activated recording devices that don't require you to turn them on and that are very discreet.

Is your therapist aware of the DV? He or she is required to report DV.

[CHChuck]

There are voices activated recording devices that don't require you to turn them on and that are very discreet.

Is your therapist aware of the DV? He or she is required to report DV.

Thank you. I'm searching for a voice activated recorder now.  I have sent what I wrote above to our therapist. I am curious about how she frames it.

I have tried to imagine the roles being reverse, with me throwing the cup, etc. I would be a pariah. That tells me this is serious.

Leaving is very hard, though, when you have a life together, all of  your things, and no financial independence. I am sure I'm not the first to make this statement, but I did not realize just how hard it is until I seriously contemplate it.   

[ForeverDad]

I have tried to imagine the roles being reverse, with me throwing the cup, etc. I would be a pariah. That tells me this is serious.

Worse than pariah, any responding police would probably cart you off to jail until a court appearance and she could get a temp restraining/protection order against you.  A divorce is expensive, defending yourself in a DV case is even more so.

Sadly, DV cases are not perceived gender neutral.  A man probably can't get away with abusive behaviors as might a woman.

My first digital voice recorders had limited memory and downloading was a hassle, it required a proprietary app.  The last one I bought was Olympus WS-823, years ago.  I don't recall if it was the one that allowed voice activated recording, but it had a gazillion hours of capacity and it could record from FM broadcasts.

[NotAHero]

   I’m sorry you are going through this. I can relate and I have a couple warnings for you. Learn from my mistakes.

 Once they start hitting you they won’t stop. It will only get worse. I can see you are not taking the physical threat seriously but you need to understand that there is something called “violent defense “.

   If you connect her threat of calling the police followed by her hitting you, the motive is clear. To elicit a violent response from you. Even if you are the nicest most docile guys if you get hit enough or threatened with a deadly weapon you may end up defending yourself. If you do, your life is over. You will get arrested and then painted abuser. BPs and Antosocial personalities have distorted conscious. She will actually believe it and everyone else will too especially that you are athletic and bigger.

 What I’m trying to tell you is do take this very seriously. Always carry your phone with you and she she starts raging leave. If she doesn’t let you leave start recording right away. If you get a DV charge you will lose your residence without notice, contact with your child and you may end up with a record that will ruin your career aspirations.  Here are few tips to deescalate:

1- Next episode so leave the house for few days and minimize contact. If the BP still cares this will normally reverse the pattern. If she continues to escalate then you are possibly discarded already and you have to plan accordingly.

2- Tell trusted friends. You need a support system and they can always write declarations for you later should a court battle ensues.

3- Do tell the therapist and put them on the spot. The therapist cannot justify her hitting you.

4- Consult with a lawyer

 

[CHChuck]

1- Next episode so leave the house for few days and minimize contact. If the BP still cares this will normally reverse the pattern. If she continues to escalate then you are possibly discarded already and you have to plan accordingly.

2- Tell trusted friends. You need a support system and they can always write declarations for you later should a court battle ensues.

3- Do tell the therapist and put them on the spot. The therapist cannot justify her hitting you.

4- Consult with a lawyer
 

I'm doing most of these. I'm not sure about leaving because she absolutely controls me with finances and has for 30 years. I'm working on this, though.

Her recall of the events is remarkable, insisting I was the one yelling, physically getting between her and the car and threatening to kick her out of the house. With the therapist, I revealed I have evidence that I was nothing but calm. I'm not sure why I expected her to acknowledge her actions and take steps, with me, to deal with them. Instead, she expressed absolute betrayal, remarkable.

She still accuses me of "controlling her" and "playing my games" yet she is the one who badgered me for nearly 40 minutes for a piece of information, finally coercing me with guilt associated with leaving her making herself crazy not knowing. I had promised I'd talk about it with our therapist, but that 12 hour wait was too long.

Alas, I have hope in our therapist, but I am also taking steps to protect myself. I hate loosing my soulmate and best friend, but I am not willing to enduring this type of violence either.