Dealing with your own anger and resentment (or more deeply, pain)

[sabas]

My BPDw has done a lot of work and improved a lot. Things were terrible for years, I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused, and then cheated on. Eventually my partner got help, really looked at themselves and took responsibility (to a large degree). The last 4-6 months have been mostly free from the worst of the abuse. No more significant suicidal threats, no physical abuse, not much emotional torture. The worst that happens now is yelling, occasional insults, and what I feel is a little gaslighting. But, they are capable of walking away, or letting me walk away, and honestly, the things that made the relationship intolerable are gone. They've made incredible progress.

My issue now is that I still feel so angry sometimes. I have worked with my own therapist, who is awesome, in defining "parts" of myself that developed during the relationship, or childhood, or really any time during life in response to turmoil or trauma. These parts typically have good intentions, but when a person has PTSD, the parts can easily get triggered or activated in situations where they are not needed any longer. An example is my "angry" part. It developed in response to the abuse. It's goal was to prevent me from being abused at any cost. I would yell, punch walls, insult, storm off. All inappropriate, acidic behaviors, but, honestly, preferable to being severely abused.

Anyway, the 'part' I have most trouble with now is what I call my 'score-keeping' part. He is hyper aware of hypocrisy, double standards, essentially anything that could be construed as 'unfair' (man, I'm using a lot of quotation marks). For example, say we have an argument and things get somewhat out of hand, my angry part gets activated and I am verbally mean to my partner, I get sarcastic, spew some biting insults, yell a bit. I may get similar things back, but afterwards I truly regret my behavior and want to apologize. I feel wronged myself, but i swallow my pride and apologize. I try to validate, understand, and empathize with the effects of my cruelty and try my best to give a heartfelt apology. My partner never really accepts apologies, certainly not the first one. Inevitably they say that I "don't really understand how I hurt" them, and accuse me of rushing to apologize. I end up feeling lectured and ignored, my partner will explain why I don't understand but usually it's literally a rewording of what I said in my original apology and it begins to feel like they just don't believe me, or don't want to let me off the hook so easily. This is when my "score-keeping" part gets very activated. That part of me cannot ignore all the times my partner severely abused me for hours or days on end, while I took it, and continued to try to help them out of their episode. Dealing with all the things everyone here knows all too well, suicidal threats, physical abuse, threats of lying to the police to get me put in jail and our child taken away from me, etc., you guys know how it goes. But as soon as the episode ended, and their face would change, and I could see "oh, there's my partner!", they would apologize, while sobbing, but without much expansion on how they'd hurt me, how I must've felt, the effects of their behavior on my psyche (all things they expect in my apologies), and I would 100% accept it, no questions asked. I would feel such empathy for them in those moments. I felt legitimately sorry for them, even though I was the victim, that they had lost such control, hurt their only supportive person, become like their abusive parents, I could feel the deep, deep shame they felt. And I would not insist on anything further. I was just happy to have them back and to not have my life-as-I-know-it being threatened mortally. I use all those words and bloviating to say that when I my apology (for much, much lesser offenses) is ignored or batted down, that my score-keeping part immediately thinks back to all the times I accepted their apologies with complete understanding and open arms. This part then asks me "do you think this is fair at all? This hypocrisy is galling! How the PLEASE READ can they not see the double standard? You're trying! They aren't! You were thinking of them! They're only thinking of themselves!" And I see red. I frequently lose ability to stay calm, and I begin arguing/standing up for myself/calling out the hypocrisy, etc. and the entire situation is derailed.

I have worked with my therapist to gain skills to calm this part down in the moment, as well as to inform it that it doesn't need to do this job anymore, that I am much safer, that the threats against my life or well-being are no longer eminent. But in the moment when the double standard is smacking me in the face, I find it so, so difficult. And this is a pattern, with other parts as well, that when I see an injustice, my rational brain goes offline. My partner is getting better, has improved immensely, and, surprisingly, it can be me who now derails our dynamic. I think I don't feel my experience with being so abused and wounded is acknowledged, or addressed enough. Like we have moved on to just improving the relationship without going back and really addressing and acknowledging the damage that was done to me. Damage that wasn't addressed at the time because I was too scared to speak up and my partner hadn't gotten any help and was completely unequipped to handle listening and take responsibility for, I hate to say it, destroying my life. I get reminded of this when I see double-standards, hypocrisy, etc. and these parts take control of my brain. In a way, I feel (to a far smaller degree) what it must feel like to be them, to have BPD. I am bringing the past into the present and trying to settle scores from back when, and while doing so, I make it less likely that I will be heard and feel loved/accepted/empathized with because my behavior while triggered into the past pushes my partner away.

I guess after all that bloviating, I'm wondering if anyone else has experience with this? If they can identify with those feelings/issues? And if so, how did you overcome it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I want to address your *score-keeping part*

Ultimately she will never understand or acknowledge how damaging her behavior has been to you.

It is completely unfair and understandable that you feel so much anger over this.

However you two don’t have the same faculties.

Just as some people excel in athletics or scholarship or business or romantic relationships, we are all given different gifts.

You have an understanding of justice and are capable of good executive function.

She, as a person with BPD, has a deficit in her executive function. In addition to this, as someone with BPD, she has shame and self loathing that you will never know nor will you understand.

For that reason, she will not be capable of fully comprehending how damaging her behavior has been to you.

Currently you are winning. Things are better for you. And more can improve.

But hoping for justice and restitution is a losing battle.

Do you want to step away from the gaming table with your wins or do you want to double down and go for broke, knowing that it’s unlikely that you will ever get your wish?

[sabas]

Thank you for the response. And you’re 100% right. I am in a much healthier place than I was, I really try to remind myself of that, and to do so while we are arguing or I feel those ‘parts’ rising up. I express that sentiment to my partner and myself frequently. Though it seems to be forgotten by both parties during even the slightest of disagreements.

And I definitely want to step away from the gaming table. I think your perspective is the wise, healthy one. And I see it the same, when in my “core” as my therapist calls it. I guess my issue is soothing/validating/quieting these unhealthy parts or defense mechanisms that were useful when things could literally become life or death, but are counterproductive now. I work with my therapist to talk to those parts and redefine their role, update them on the progress my partner has made, as well as the dissipation of the threats that made them necessary. But when I’m in the middle of a disagreement and start feeling blamed or attacked, it becomes very difficult to keep that perspective, to stay in my core. I find, counterintuitively, it’s almost harder for me to resist the score-keeping, obsession with fairness, and subsequent anger, when our argument is something relatively small. My partner has curbed the worst of their behaviors, but I still feel gaslighted, manipulated, and blamed for many of their feelings. I realize that’s part of the process, that the journey to recovery or management of symptoms is a very gradual one, and ingrained, subconscious behaviors don’t disappear overnight, or over a year, we have to move through each progressively “smaller” issue in real time. But in those more mundane arguments it’s almost like my brain isn’t cued to think “oh yeah, my partner has BPD and is reenacting things from their childhood and I need to take a step back, outside the argument, and if I’m going to speak I need to speak to that hurt child. I need to stay calm, validate, listen, and not JADE”. In the past the abuse and extreme behaviors were so jarring that I couldn’t help but realize what was happening and what I needed to do. Now, in discussions that are relatively much lower key, it’s almost like I think I’m talking to a regular person, or having a regular disagreement in the way you’d talk about what to have for lunch or something, that I don’t remember to keep that perspective until I find I’ve lost control of my parts.

I guess this is probably very typical of someone with PTSD, I’ve become hyper aware of any possible wrong, threat, insult, injustice. But I get sad and frustrated because while my partner has made a lot of progress, and I have too, their progress is “big” and more obviously helpful, while mine is less noticeable and more likely to cause some discomfort because it’s progress in being less afraid to speak my mind, talking more confidently, expressing deeper emotions that might be incongruent with my partner’s, learning to validate but to also ask for what I need (all things I completely stopped doing in the face of abuse and fear). Due to those differences, my partner feels we are “healing in different directions”, and they are tired of “not being able to express their feelings” without me getting angry, or taking on a combative tone, and so they are getting ready to leave or “give up” as they say. I can tell, and they’ve said a few times, that they feel that they are working and healing and I am not, i am stuck in the past and showing no hope of improving. This triggers my score-keeping part again because I feel like I was so very patient and understanding and persevered for so long, and it helped them immensely while also destroying my own well-being, and now as soon as the tables are turned even 2 degrees, they cannot show me anywhere near the patience or compassion, or perseverance, all in the face of anger, biting remarks, and bitterness, not abuse. And on top of this, my part yells, they’re the one that gave me PTSD, I was patient and empathetic (and codependent) with damage their parents did, they can’t be even 10% as patient and empathetic with the process of healing from trauma they perpetrated? And I know that’s a completely stupid, illogical and pointless way of looking at it, at least my core knows this. It is painfully aware of it. As you say, I am equipped to do better, I have a much thicker emotional skin, for lack of a better term, due to a healthy upbringing and “normal” brain chemistry. To expect them to give and behave like I did is literally stupid, and setting myself up for immense disappointment and failure, while also somewhat obscuring the fact that to progress like they have they have put in more 10x the emotional and mental effort than I am probably capable of. It’s that dissonance that ends up hurting even more in the end. After another argument where we are both mean, but I am perhaps meaner, I feel so down on myself for failing to keep perspective and keep calm. And I end up blaming myself for their idea/threat/desire to give up on the relationship. I think: “if only I could do the thing that I know and believe in my core, I wouldn’t have PLEASE READed up this situation that is so much better than a year ago”, “I wouldn’t be losing them during the time they’re most capable of being a healthy, loving partner”, “I’ve drained myself of all self-esteem, confidence, peace and happiness, and now, when I’m so low, they’re high and ready to move on from my pitiful self because I can’t do the healthy things I know how to do (or did)”.

I guess I’m just lamenting my inability to do the thing that I know I truly believe in my heart, and that I’ve worked on a lot with my therapist. To keep the perspective that you outlined much more concisely than I did, that I have when I am calm, but lose so quickly when I am feeling blamed or gaslighted or invalidated or treated unfairly, even while I know while I sit here alone writing this, that my partner is doing those things mainly because they are feeling badly themselves, to levels I can’t imagine, and their inner, hurt child is needing care and understanding. That I meet that need with anger and vitriol is so disappointing. And of course, no amount of heartfelt apology, validation, empathy can soothe my partner after the act is done. They say essentially it’s too little too late and they don’t think they can keep subjecting themselves to this. Something I honesty understand, but rue and regret.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here, besides bloviating again. I think my main thought is yes, I want to step away, I want to get out of thinking what’s fair, or at least stop letting that illogical “part” take control so easily, and step back into being able to validate and empathize, while self-soothing and keeping perspective, something I could do in the face of terrible abuse but, maddeningly, fail to in the face of “quieter” (and much less threatening) symptoms of BPD.

[Cat Familiar]

The intellect is much faster to catch on than our emotional selves.

Your flamethrower part is out of sync with your logical part. Perhaps the two of them need to spend some time talking to each other.

Obviously this score-keeper part is not satisfied with the *good enough* in the relationship that other parts of you are willing to accept and his feelings need to be heard.

It’s a valid point. Just as being with a partner with a physical handicap will limit some activities that a couple can pursue, a partner with BPD is also limited. It seems like Mr. Score Keeper is saying, “Hold on. Is this really how you want to live your life?”

It might be a good starting point in a therapy session to let him speak his truth without censorship.

[sabas]

That’s a really great point and suggestion. Like I said, my therapist has focused on basically updating these protective “parts” on my partner’s progress, as well as I my own development of better boundary-setting, hard limits, and ways to extricate myself and our child from an abusive episode. Essentially educating these ‘parts’ on how their job isn’t necessary any more. But each time she asked me to ask mr. scorekeeper what he thought his job was, I would do so and get the response back as basically, give me the anger/motivation/not giving a PLEASE READ about care-taking anymore to allow me to enforce boundaries that involved safety (emotional and physical). I think your hunch is really insightful and feels accurate. I think this part did do what I thought, but on a more emotional level probably is against swallowing some ideals about what I wanted in a relationship before I met my partner, and perhaps doesn’t think the relationship, even 90% safer than it was, is still fulfilling and comfortable and accepting enough to be ‘good’ for me. I think you’re right, getting in touch with that feeling, that opinion of mr. scorekeeper, would have the potential to really lessen the undercurrent and low hum of anger and on-edge-ness I feel, sometimes just subconsciously.

I did put the perspective you wrote about in your first reply to use the last few days, and in our MC appointment Friday. I worked on doing the right thing without regard for whether my partner had done the opposite in the past, and regardless of if I, or another part of me, anticipated they would do this same ‘right’ thing in the future. Thinking about their childhood, their condition, and, in a way, lack of ability to do certain things emotionally, definitely helped. And, honestly, made my behavior less toxic. Trying to make things fair or just, by any means necessary (arguing, getting angry, yelling, getting mean and sarcastic) is a foolish goal in any relationship, let alone one with a pwBPD. I see that scorekeeper part as perhaps having a legitimate point, but for the short-term I want to continue to try to do the ‘right’ thing first, and kind of relax and peacefully see what happens and how i am treated. And then later make the determination, perhaps partly by listening to that part, of however my partner reacts is acceptable to me long-term. To expect my progressing partner to now, immediately, care and value making things fair and rational, just and constantly emotionally considerate, without modeling and practicing healthy actions myself is only going to end up in worse outcomes and probably more scores to keep and get even more angry over.

All easier said than done (I’ve become painfully hesitant about believing I or they can execute healthy behaviors ending in a positive outcome, due to the myriad times I told myself “this can never happen again” and then allowing it happen again days later) but understanding ourselves and our goals is maybe more than half the battle. I really thank you for providing your insight.