Small outburst and on and off silent treatment

[Mechaz53]

My fiancé and myself have been together for 2 years. I’m a 30 year old male, she’s 32 female. We do not live together as of yet. She was great in the beginning which is normal. She had a small split about two months in where she tore me to pieces about how I didn’t care about her and how I was lying and using her. That got resolved within a few hours. From then on things were great for a while. Started back up in college and she was doing alright the first few months. She progressively got more distant, which I realize was do in part to being so busy with school. She always gets bad around the holidays and the months leading up. This entire year she’s been progressively getting more and more distant. Was still very affectionate and always made sure to tell me she loved me. She got extremely distant come September. My birthday on the 15th came and she was suddenly all over me that day. She came over, we had a great time and was very sweet to me. The very next day it started the cold and distant cycle again. She was still extremely distant and the only times she spoke to me were through text once every few days to tell me she loved me and then left everything unread until she gave me a small message or I love you again. Fast forward to September 27th. I had been having a terrible day. It had also been eating me up how she had been with me lately. I tried to calmly speak about it with her on multiple occasions but she wouldn’t budge. She would just say I have a lot going on, but I’m ok. That day I shared a picture on Facebook that was a depressing meme but put it in a humorous light. She texted me and asked me what was wrong with a screenshot. I told her, “The picture isn’t about you, however, we’ve had this talk multiple times and you know what’s been bothering me.
She responded, “Actually I don’t. So whatever, go cry about it.”
She’s never acted like this before.
Naturally I became upset, but I tried to keep my cool. I said, “Can you please just leave me alone. I have enough going on and I don’t need you adding to it with snarky remarks.”
She left me on read. For two weeks not a word from her. Wouldn’t respond to anything I said. After two weeks she responded, “I’ve noticed some things in the relationship and I don’t know if I can continue this. I need time and space.”
I told her I loved her and agreed. Three days later she’s talking to me nonstop, I’m coming over, she’s coming over. Things were great.
She texted me one night to tell me her friend Christy was coming over so she wouldn’t be free. No problem. I’ve never met Christy so I asked, “Who?” She got very defensive about it and told me I was forcing her to explain herself when there was none needed. I simply was curious since I didn’t know this friend. I explained and things seemed ok. They weren’t. She went right back to the silent treatment. Around November 7th after no contact she texted me and asked if she could come over and grab one of her jackets she left at my house. I said sure. She came over, she was very affectionate. Told me she loved me, kissed me. She even called me on her ride home and we spoke. All weekend and all that week after she became very cold, distant and extremely irritable with me out of the blue. She ghosted me about our dinner date the following weekend. When I asked “What I have done to be treated like this?”
She responded with the same thing from a month ago.
“I told you before. I needed time and you didn’t honor that. So now I’m going to take all the time I need since you wouldn’t give it to me. I don’t mean to come off as rude, but if that’s what I need to do to get the time and space I need, I will. There are some things I’ve noticed in the relationship I need to process. I need to either accept that that’s how you are or figure out what I need to do.”
I honored her time and told her I’d be here when she’s ready and that I loved her. She said, ”Thank you for respecting it. And that was really sweet.” No I love you or anything of that sort.
Since then she’s been randomly messaging me. Replying to Facebook posts and sending Snapchats and responding to mine. I’ve kept contact minimal trying to attempt to respect what she asked for, yet she keeps messaging me.
The last part of this is that two days ago I had something very hard come up in my life. I needed her support. She even told me to call her and let her know what happens. I called twice and she hit the ignore button. I texted her and she replied extremely cold. She said, “What do you want? I’m studying for finals tomorrow and I don’t have time to talk to you.”
From there I told her what happened and she gave two responses that were short and sweet and were very obvious please stop talking to me replies. We haven’t spoken since. I don’t know what to make of this and honestly I’ve seen and dealt with a lot and can handle it. This, however has me puzzled. I’ve known her for 7 years. If she wants to break up or leave someone she tells them point blank and does it. This is completely new to me.

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[Mechaz53]

My fiancé and myself have been together for 2 years. I’m a 30 year old male, she’s 32 female. We do not live together as of yet. She was great in the beginning which is normal. She had a small split about two months in where she tore me to pieces about how I didn’t care about her and how I was lying and using her. That got resolved within a few hours. From then on things were great for a while. Started back up in college and she was doing alright the first few months. She progressively got more distant, which I realize was do in part to being so busy with school. She always gets bad around the holidays and the months leading up. This entire year she’s been progressively getting more and more distant. Was still very affectionate and always made sure to tell me she loved me. She got extremely distant come September. My birthday on the 15th came and she was suddenly all over me that day. She came over, we had a great time and was very sweet to me. The very next day it started the cold and distant cycle again. She was still extremely distant and the only times she spoke to me were through text once every few days to tell me she loved me and then left everything unread until she gave me a small message or I love you again. Fast forward to September 27th. I had been having a terrible day. It had also been eating me up how she had been with me lately. I tried to calmly speak about it with her on multiple occasions but she wouldn’t budge. She would just say I have a lot going on, but I’m ok. That day I shared a picture on Facebook that was a depressing meme but put it in a humorous light. She texted me and asked me what was wrong with a screenshot. I told her, “The picture isn’t about you, however, we’ve had this talk multiple times and you know what’s been bothering me.
She responded, “Actually I don’t. So whatever, go cry about it.”
She’s never acted like this before.
Naturally I became upset, but I tried to keep my cool. I said, “Can you please just leave me alone. I have enough going on and I don’t need you adding to it with snarky remarks.”
She left me on read. For two weeks not a word from her. Wouldn’t respond to anything I said. After two weeks she responded, “I’ve noticed some things in the relationship and I don’t know if I can continue this. I need time and space.”
I told her I loved her and agreed. Three days later she’s talking to me nonstop, I’m coming over, she’s coming over. Things were great.
She texted me one night to tell me her friend Christy was coming over so she wouldn’t be free. No problem. I’ve never met Christy so I asked, “Who?” She got very defensive about it and told me I was forcing her to explain herself when there was none needed. I simply was curious since I didn’t know this friend. I explained and things seemed ok. They weren’t. She went right back to the silent treatment. Around November 7th after no contact she texted me and asked if she could come over and grab one of her jackets she left at my house. I said sure. She came over, she was very affectionate. Told me she loved me, kissed me. She even called me on her ride home and we spoke. All weekend and all that week after she became very cold, distant and extremely irritable with me out of the blue. She ghosted me about our dinner date the following weekend. When I asked “What I have done to be treated like this?”
She responded with the same thing from a month ago.
“I told you before. I needed time and you didn’t honor that. So now I’m going to take all the time I need since you wouldn’t give it to me. I don’t mean to come off as rude, but if that’s what I need to do to get the time and space I need, I will. There are some things I’ve noticed in the relationship I need to process. I need to either accept that that’s how you are or figure out what I need to do.”
I honored her time and told her I’d be here when she’s ready and that I loved her. She said, ”Thank you for respecting it. And that was really sweet.” No I love you or anything of that sort.
Since then she’s been randomly messaging me. Replying to Facebook posts and sending Snapchats and responding to mine. I’ve kept contact minimal trying to attempt to respect what she asked for, yet she keeps messaging me.
The last part of this is that two days ago I had something very hard come up in my life. I needed her support. She even told me to call her and let her know what happens. I called twice and she hit the ignore button. I texted her and she replied extremely cold. She said, “What do you want? I’m studying for finals tomorrow and I don’t have time to talk to you.”
From there I told her what happened and she gave two responses that were short and sweet and were very obvious please stop talking to me replies. We haven’t spoken since. I don’t know what to make of this and honestly I’ve seen and dealt with a lot and can handle it. This, however has me puzzled. I’ve known her for 7 years. If she wants to break up or leave someone she tells them point blank and does it. This is completely new to me.

Edit:
I forgot to mention she has BPD, C-PTSD, and ADHD

[Cat Familiar]

How is her casual cruelty causing you to rethink this relationship?

[Mechaz53]

How is her casual cruelty causing you to rethink this relationship?

I’m not quite sure what you mean? I still love her and I still want to be with her. I suppose I’m more so confused on what exactly is going on. Could she be in process of devaluation? Or maybe she split me at some point and is trying to think things through? Being I’ve known her for so long simply letting her go is out of the question for me. I want to make things work if possible. Every time she sees me in person she tells me she loves me. She suddenly refuses to say it outside of that. She went from being sweet and loving, but distant to irritable and cruel, but distant almost over night. Since then it’s just been back and forth every few days. We’ve yet to get to a solid point again though and she tends to have days where she’ll suddenly treat me as if I’m a nuisance after days of being somewhat nice to me. As I said, the holidays are hard for her. I’m not even sure if that has something to do with it.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you read this article on Boundaries https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries ?

It sounds like you are aware of some of the general patterns seen with individuals with BPD.

A pattern that often occurs with their partners is to begin to accept being treated with disrespect. Something to be aware of