I feel desperate trying to make him feel better

[dragonfly77]

Hi everyone, I just found this forum and just need to talk to people that understand as I feel very alone. I suspect that my husband has BPD. We are extremely close but sometimes when we fight he sees me as “all bad” and does and says things that hurts me. He stays mad for a while and during that time I feel desperate trying to make him feel better and “be himself”.

Now is one of those times and I find it hard to handle as I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I feel like the trigger was the possibility that I might be pregnant - that upset him greatly and he said he will lose me and he won’t be my only one anymore and we won’t have sex anymore etc.

I guess I’m just looking for a bit of encouragement that things will be ok again (and prayer if you pray) please ;-(

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome, dragonfly!

You've come to the right place. You'll find that the members here "get it." We know what it's like to feel lost and alone, to deal with the emotionally whiplash and exhaustion that can come with a BPD relationship. And, the good news is we also have a lot of skills, tools and experience we can share that can help make things easier.

Because, yes, things can get better. But there's no magic pill. It will take work and patience. It can happen, though.

One thing that I learned was how to stop making things worse. Without knowing it, I was contributing to the problem by doing things like JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) -- a perfectly natural thing to do, but tends to send discussions off the rails. There are things we can do, as their loved ones, that can help keep our relationships and conversations on a more stable footing. And we'll be happy to help you with those.

That's not to say any problems are our fault or our responsibility. Far from it. But recognizing the role we play in the dance is key to changing the steps.

One other thing that it sounds like could help you: I learned (and am still learning) to separate mine and his. His feelings are his. His responsibility. His to manage. His to handle. I cannot control them or manage them for him, even though he wants me to sometimes. PwBPD tend to feel emotions much more strongly than the rest of us and they have great difficulty in regulating them. So, they'll look to the people around them to manage them for them. We can't. Once you can accept that and start to untangle "mine" and "his," you're taking a very valuable step.

For the possible baby situation, pwBPD often do not respond well to stress or change. My H also tends to catastrophize (when my stepson's school changed the dress code, my H became convinced that SS would end up expelled ).

How do you respond when he gets upset about things like the possible pregnancy?

I hope you'll share some more details when you feel like it. Those help us know how to help you. There's a lot to sift through here and it can feel overwhelming but that's what we're here for.

Again, welcome and keep posting!

[dragonfly77]

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it, I’m literally crying with relief for finding people who understand. It was SO hard to explain to a very close friend because he acts very differently in front of people and even say things like he’ll see a therapist when I know that he won’t because he often tells me that he won’t. Thank you for the advice about the feelings, I’ll definitely try that.

Yes, change is extremely traumatic for him. Whenever my husband feels bad or freaks out I immediately try to say calming things and “pacify” him I guess since I’ve realized by now that it makes things a lot worse if I get angry or defensive too or if I walk away. I did the same with the possible pregnancy. He is now convinced that children are the worst thing in the world and that his life would be over and that I’m going to ignore him forever, but in front of friends and sometimes in front of me he says that’s what he wants. I do want children but I don’t want him to feel this way or to act like this with our children, obviously. If I’m not pregnant then I’m ok with not having children.

[Ozzie101]

Here's a tool that might be useful to you, as it was to me:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

It's about listening with empathy. Many times, what our loved one is saying isn't what they're really saying -- if that makes sense. Hearing the emotion under the words can be a huge help to us in knowing how to respond.

Being angry or defensive or walking away will just make the situation worse, as you've discovered. But pacifying may not be the best long-term either. We talk a lot here about validation. That's validating the feelings, which are very real, but not validating something that's not true. It's a skill, really.
Here's an article on it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I and others here have found that when our loved one really feels heard, it can go a long way to de-escalating a conflict. And keeping calm and centered ourselves (i.e., not panicking and running around trying to "fix") is a key part of that.

What do you think?

[dragonfly77]

I definitely agree, I just feel so desperate when he dysregulates and then I don’t always do and say the right thing in the moment. We’re fighting again. He got triggered when we went to our Bible Study group again and everyone shared some of the really hard things that they are going through. He felt really bad that we have exciting things happening in our lives but everyone else isn’t doing so well. I guess he felt a lot of guilt and then he somehow turned it into me being a horrible wife that doesn’t meet his needs. Please help. I feel soo lost and desperate :’-(

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry, dragonfly! Those sorts of projections and dysregulations are very hard to deal with, I know.

It's hard, in the moment, to think clearly. That's why it's so important to work on yourself in the calm times so that your inner strength is built up and that you have the tools you need. Think of it like a dancer. They don't just get out there and dance a complicated routine. It takes hours and hours of practice to get it right. They develop muscle memory so by the time they perform, they don't even have to really think about it that much. It's second-nature.

Can you describe a little more about what happened after the Bible study group? What did he say to you? How did you respond?

[dragonfly77]

Thank you Ozzie101, I really appreciate your response. The next day my husband came to me and said he feels down today and that it is such a difference from how he felt the past few weeks. He said he thinks it’s because it’s not going so well with everyone else in the group (serious illness of loved ones etc.) but we’re excited about our house etc. He is very open about sharing things we are working on at home etc. so I think he might have felt overwhelmingly guilty/as if he appeared selfish for being so excited. Also, later during the day he struggled with getting something right at work and said it made him feel small. To both of these things I reacted with sympathy and listened/talked to him about his feelings, offering to help, trying to be supportive etc. I don’t belittle him when he says how he feels in general and I try my best to let him know I understand and care. It’s harder when it’s something bad about me, but it wasn’t at first. Later in the day and evening, without me doing anything specific that I’m aware of, he started to turn it on me saying how I’m fat etc. I’m still struggling with just validating his feelings, it’s really hard when it’s so hurtful. I guess I felt a little exasperated and let it escalate more than I should have by trying to make him see that his way of thinking is illogical and black-and-white i.e. I “never” make him feel loved, I “never” care about how I look etc. Of course I’m not perfect and have a lot to work on, which I’m in the process of doing and he knows about it e.g. exercising everyday, eating healthier etc. but I do feel like his accusations are not reasonable, I can work on some things but I’m not a slob. I often get compliments from others on how I look and dress, but tend to be a bit more comfortable at home so he says that I just look nice for other people and not him. A few days ago he said “I can see you lost weight” and “you have a nice body”. I can’t help but feel like when he feels bad about ANYTHING he somehow changes it into me being a horrible wife, as if it’s easier for him to feel bad about that than deal with his other feelings. I said something wrong now and he just ranted on and on about how he wants to make me cry and hurt as much as he does and how I changed him into this horrible man and everything is my fault. He keeps saying that I’m evil and everything would’ve been fine if I just loved him. I don’t know what to do. He seems soo desperate. A few times I “threatened” to see a therapist or talk to someone else and then he says everyone will take my side and say what a bad person he is. I can’t take it anymore. I really don’t know what to do.

[Ozzie101]

Oh, dragonfly, I can so relate to that and I'm sorry you're going through it.

When I first came here, I was in a spot like that with my H: anything that was bothering him or troubling him got turned around to somehow be about me (or my family).

The thing you need to keep in mind is it's NOT about you. BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation. PwBPD have big emotions and inadequate (or non-existent) skills to manage them. When they feel these big, negative feelings, they don't know what to do with them and they end up spilling out all over the place. Often, the person throws those feelings at the people closest to him. He can't handle the guilt and shame (BIGGIES in BPD) so it must be someone else's fault or doing.

My H also claimed that he wanted me to hurt as much as he did. How he felt was my fault. I was a horrible wife. I obviously didn't love him and just married him for his money.

I was desperate and tried to convince him otherwise but -- guess what? It didn't work.

It seems rational. Just by reasoning, laying out examples, emphasizing how much they're loved, it should make them feel better, right? Making them see the fallacies in their argument should fix things and bring things back to center, right? But it doesn't work that way with BPD. And that's a tough thing to get your head around.

A lot of it makes even more sense when you think of a young child or a toddler. Tantrums. "You don't love me because you won't give me what I want." "You never buy me candy." See the similarities?

You say you've threatened to see a therapist. Could you go see one? No threats. Not as punishment. For you. My H was very much against my seeing one so I went to see one without telling him. (Fortunately for me, my job has some flexibility and I have a ton of sick time accumulated -- plus an understanding boss.) He has a horror of people talking about him behind his back and he was afraid a therapist would convince me to leave. Now, he knows and he's OK with it but for about two months, I went without his knowledge. Individual therapy was and has continued to be a huge support for me and a way to work through my own issues. If it's something you can manage, I would highly recommend it.

Are you able to get away when he starts to swing things around to you? Saying something like "I can tell this is important to you. It's important to me, too. I need some time to think it over so I'm going to take a walk/get a cup of coffee. I'll be back in an hour."

No good comes from you sitting and listening to him rant at you and criticize you. So far, it sounds like he's been able to do it with no consequences.
Here are a couple of articles you might want to look at:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There's more to cover, but I've thrown a lot at you there.

Hang in there. I know it's tough but you can do this. And we're here to help.

[dragonfly77]

Thank you so so so much Ozzie101! It is such relief to hear that I'm not completely crazy and that others have experienced the same things and acted in the same way. If I may ask, did something specific happen to get you past that same spot with your husband? Thank you again for your reply, it's making a massive difference knowing that I'm not alone and it's giving me courage to make changes to how I handle things.

I took your advice and signed up for an online counseling service yesterday, without telling my husband. I would have preferred to see someone in person, but I found that most are either completely booked for a few weeks or too far away from where I live. They haven't responded yet, I will try it out and see how it goes. They also do video calls so hopefully it would be similar to seeing someone in person.

Yes, I'm usually able to get away, but if I go away then he gets upset about that and says that I am abandoning and isolating him. Also, sometimes when he's really upset I'm afraid that he might hurt himself if I'm not there so it is hard.

Thank you for the articles, I've read them but will study them again in more detail as I can tell that the information is very useful and practical.

I'm slowly starting to piece the puzzle together a little bit more, based on what you said. When growing up my husband watched porn to make himself feel better. Now, when he gets those big feelings he needs me to instantly be a porn star to make himself feel better again as that is the way he always used to cope with his feelings. A side-effect of me trying to understand how he feels is that I am much more calm and much more myself now when we fight and I'm a bit less "shocked" by what he says and does. I think this makes him think that he is not hurting me, which means he just treats me very distantly and formally. What he said still really hurts. I need him to apologize for what he said and did, but I know that it needs to come from him so it's very hard for me to deal with that. I try to be nice and do nice things for him and he seems to be warming up veeeeery slowly, but on the other hand I feel like I'm being stepped on and dishonest if I pretend nothing is wrong (he also sometimes says I shouldn't pretend like everything is ok when I'm just being "pleasant").

[Ozzie101]

If I may ask, did something specific happen to get you past that same spot with your husband

Well, some of that stuff still comes up -- usually when he's extremely stressed. But he's much better about it. My case isn't exactly "the norm" and I wouldn't recommend what I did. It was all a happy accident of timing.

Basically, I decided to leave him. He was out of town, we had some text messages back and forth that were tense and hit on sore spots -- nothing major but that was sort of the last straw. Well, at the same time, he had started therapy, which he insisted wasn't working. While he was out of town, though, he had a sort of epiphany while doing an anger management workbook. My deciding to leave scared the  out of him.

When he returned home, we were able to talk through a lot and he really knuckled down and committed to therapy. It's not DBT and he still has no clue about BPD, so it's not fully effective, but it's been better than nothing.

As I said, he still has his moments, especially lately, and it's not always easy. I've been fortunate, though, that my last straw coincided with his epiphany and that he's high-functioning and actually very self-aware. I do not recommend leaving or threatening to leave as a method of getting a loved one to "wake up." I was genuinely prepared to go. It was not a "threat."

So, anyway, back to you!

That's great that you're going to try the counseling service! I hope it's helpful. Please keep us posted!

Abandonment is a big thing with BPD, as you know and leaving a conversation can be very tricky. I'm going to throw a couple more links at you:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

See if there's some useful info there for you.

I understand wanting an apology, but I wouldn't get too caught up in hoping for or expecting one. Unless your H is super-self-aware, it's unlikely to come.

And I understand what you mean about feeling dishonest and like a push-over if you just accept the bad behavior. I can't tell you how many times I've felt that way. So often, my H would (or will) dysregulate, spewing all kinds of stuff in a rant. Then, when it's over, it's like he's relieved and happy and all is well. The problem is, I'm sitting there still feeling overwhelmed by everything he just threw out and it takes a lot more time for me to recover. Is that what you experience?

[Ebuaki]

Hello everyone, this message board is something else. I’m in total awe of all of you and your experiences. I’ve spent the last few days reading all the threads, realising and nodding and pennies have been dropping all over the place. This is the kind of tool that the internet was made for. A place for learning and understanding because without forums like this. I’d be none the wiser about my ex and his horrendous, unexplained ‘I hate you/don’t leave me‘ behaviour.
@ozzie101 I too take sometime to recover but in my relationship got accused of being moody and my ex said he couldn’t stand my moods. At the time I couldn’t understand why but I now realise the hypersensitivity is a by-product of BPD.
I split up with my ex back in August ‘19 and it’s taken me 5 months to find this site and realise that he was uBPD.
The similarities in all the stories I’ve read and my situation are quite scarily parallel and only if you’ve experienced it, do you know it.
I’ve desperately tried to help him and make him better but got pushed away, had Police called, been shouted at and blamed. I thought my situation was unique and had to check my own sanity but now it turns out that there’s others who have experienced this situation and I’m reading reading reading.
The damage and impact BPD does is enormous. I’ve have break ups before but this is something else...

[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome, Ebuaki! I'm glad you've found us. This site is a real eye-opener, isn't it?

I hope when you feel like it you'll start your own thread and tell us more of your story.

[dragonfly77]

Hi, I thought I’d paste an update, it’s now 2 years after my first post and so interesting to read what I went through then.

The first few months of 2020 was super tough. My husband and I had a huge fight in May 2020 which resulted in me sleeping over at a friend’s house for a night and basically telling my husband I’ll only come back if he goes for counselling with me. He agreed and I found an amazing therapist who we saw a few times. It made a massive difference, my husband was like a new person. We fought a lot less frequently and not really ever as bad as before. I became pregnant and we now have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy! It’s been wonderful but also really hard. My husband is a really amazing father and almost does more than I do.

Today we had a really bad fight again - he says he misses me and feels alone and that I don’t love him anymore etc. I try to explain that it’s the most difficult time of my life and that things will get better and that we will have more time for each other again, but he is convinced everything is over, and I’m not the same person anymore and I don’t care about him. I believe things will be better again tomorrow, I guess I just needed to share :-)