The BPD/NPD family as an absolute monarchy

[Couscous]

The behavior of a BPD/NPD parent makes a whole lot more sense when you understand that the parent considers her/himself to as an absolute monarch and everyone else in the family as her/his subject whose sole duty is to serve and obey the monarch.

The entire family revolves around meeting the needs of the monarch, who is the only person in the family permitted to have needs. Meanwhile, family members willingly subjugate, if not outright deny, their own. In fact, some don’t even realize that they have needs of their own, and maybe even think that by meeting the needs of the monarch that they are meeting their own needs. I suppose that to some extent this is true. They are meeting one need — the need for belonging. But at what cost?

Now that I have become aware of the fact that I have needs, and that there is simply no room in my family for anybody else’s needs to be met aside from the monarch’s, then this means that there is no room in my family for me. It really is as simple as that.

[madeline7]

At my 50th bday party my Mom told many of my friends who she was meeting for the first time that evening that If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be there. When she was in the hospital and I showed up with food, candy, magazines, etc, instead of thanking me she said, I guess I was a good mother. I could go on and on, it's all about her, it's always been about her and it will always be about her.

[Notwendy]

When talking to a sibling about our childhoods, we acknowledge that we were well taken care of in terms of our basic needs. However, we somehow felt as if we were invisible to our parents.

There was a time though, where my father was tuned in to us. When we were little, he took us to all kinds of cool places, like museums, and the Zoo. It was always just him and us. BPD mom stayed home. I know now he was probably either doing it for her, or for our own protection if she was in a bad mood. Regardless- we were doing things that fit our interests, and Dad seemed to enjoy doing them too. As a teen, Dad knew my favorite music groups, helped me with homework. I feel there was a time he did pay attention to us. We were more than just servants to the monarchy.

However, it was still a Monarchy that rotated around the needs and wants of my mother. Dad may have been tuned in to us. She wasn't.

Sometime after we grew up and left home, my Dad's focused narrowed to it being just my mother. I think in a way, our being home prevented the singular focus on his part as he was responsible for parenting us. The dynamics weren't normal. My mother's behaviors were disordered. It was a monarchy but at least the "serfs" (kids) were a distraction.

So once he had more time to serve the Queen's needs - he did more for her and she did less for herself. She became more dependent for her basic needs and so he spent more time taking care of them.

Her relationship with me is Queen-Servant. Couscous' concludes- there's no room for the person Couscous is in the family. From my perspective- the person my mother sees is a reflection of her projections. She sees what she perceives, not who I am. I think my father did know me as a child, however, over time, listening to my mother's impressions of me, that's what he saw too.

[Couscous]

Couscous' concludes- there's no room for the person Couscous is in the family. From my perspective- the person my mother sees is a reflection of her projections. She sees what she perceives, not who I am. I think my father did know me as a child, however, over time, listening to my mother's impressions of me, that's what he saw too.

The hardest thing for me hasn’t been that my mother and brother have distorted perceptions, but rather, that they have managed to brainwash the entire family, including the non-parent, into believing their distorted perceptions.

For me, understanding that the BPD/NPD family’s number one rule which all members enforce, is that only the monarch (and sometimes the heir apparent) is permitted to have needs has allowed me to radically adjust my expectations of my family. The result has been a lot less frustration and anguish for me, and a whole lot less guilt for detaching from them.

[Turkish]

Have you read this book?

https://www.bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother

After reading the book, we see it as having three major sections.

The first section (6 chapters) presents a typology of borderline mothers:

Waif The first type of mother, the Waif, is said to feel victimized and depressed; as a mother, the Waif has difficulty caring for her children and may be alternately neglectful and overindulgent of their emotional and physical needs.Hermit The second type, the Hermit, is described as fearful of others, yet wanting to belong; her parenting style is possessive and over-controlling.Queen The third type, the Queen, lacks empathy and is critical of others; as a mother, she is more concerned with her own needs for attention than with those of her children.Witch The last type, the Witch, is described as sadistically evil and as having an authoritarian parenting style in which she expresses unpredictable rage toward her children.

[Couscous]

Turkish, I never finished it but I have read the first section.

[Notwendy]

Couscous- I agree, it was harder to see my mother paint me black to the more non disordered members of the family. I have realized the futility of hoping for any kind of real relationship with her, but hoped it could be possible with some other family and friends. I have learned to leave her circle of people to her and stay emotionally distant from them.

Recently some of her family members have reached out to me to try to connect, and I am cordial, but wary. If someone is connected to my mother, I don't have trust in them.

[lenfan]

When my wife acts like the Monarch, which is most of the time, I try not to be the Fool.

[Couscous]

…instead of thanking me she said, I guess I was a good mother.

Exactly! I feel like I am just playing a game of make believe, and am doing so in order to keep the fantasy alive, that I actually have a real mother. She pretends to be my mother, and I pretend to believe it.

When my wife acts like the Monarch, which is most of the time, I try not to be the Fool.

  Good for you!

[Methuen]

At my 50th bday party my Mom told many of my friends who she was meeting for the first time that evening that If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be there. When she was in the hospital and I showed up with food, candy, magazines, etc, instead of thanking me she said, I guess I was a good mother.

This makes me think of a time in my kitchen when I was trying to make my waif mother feel better, and I shared a couple of ways she had encouraged me when I was a child ( she helped me with school projects mostly), and instead of reciprocating and saying how I had been a good or easy daughter ( I gave my parents zero grief and tried very hard to please), she paused, and then said “I guess I was a good mother”.  The waif turned  to queen conversation in less than  the blink of an eye.  It was wierd.

Her response took me by surprise, it felt wrong, but I couldn’t say why. Instead, I felt bad that something didn’t feel right, when what I was trying to do was show gratitude, despite all that she’s done that’s been messed up, hurtful, messed me up,  and she’s completely without remorse because “she was a good mother “…

Reflecting back, I realize that the whole conversation started because I felt responsible for making mom feel good about herself, again…it has always been my job to make her feel better and take care of her…

The entire family revolves around meeting the needs of the monarch, who is the only person in the family permitted to have needs.

Yep.  This is my only job and purpose in her eyes. The problem for me is that I am the only family, so the burden is  100% on me and I can’t walk away from her complex health issues.  However, I can see now that the advantage of being the only family is that she can’t triangulate in the same way your mothers do with your siblings.  She cant divide and conquer in the same way other morhers do where the family unit is bigger.  Mine has been a very lonely life with bpd mom - not gonna lie about that.  But these conversations on the forum have also shown me that there is another side to this I can be grateful for.  Not having siblings has meant no sibling drama in a family with a bpd mom.  Never thought I would say that- as growing up an “only” with a bpd mom left me wanting siblings my entire life - including after dad died and into retirement.  

Mom can’t walk anymore, unassisted.  She can’t hardly see or hear.  She’s weak and frail and about 100 lb but still worries about becoming obese.  She can’t do crafts she likes because of her Parkinson’s.  And she struggles to get her words out to communicate.  But she’s still the Queen, and I better meet her needs or I’m a failure.  Trouble is, no one can meet her needs, and she refuses to plan or even consider assisted living. 

I’ve never really thought of my mom being NPD like some of the historic or high profile characters out there, but I think my father’s passing (abandonment retriggered ), and her aging, has possibly made her some version of geriatric NPD with her BPD.

Now that I have become aware of the fact that I have needs, and that there is simply no room in my family for anybody else’s needs to be met aside from the monarch’s, then this means that there is no room in my family for me. It really is as simple as that.

I am so sorry  Couscous.  I think this feeling of exclusion and isolation must be different than the loneliness I experience as an only.  Yours involves an extra layer of grief - and I can’t even imagine that.  

Thanks for starting this thread, and sharing your thoughts and feelings.  It’s helping me see I have  something to be grateful for that I never ever anticipated being grateful for.

[zachira]

I love this thread. It makes me think of how certain children in my immediate and extended families are chosen to be either scapegoats or golden children from birth. The absolute monarchy is a brilliant analogy. Both sides of my family are into genealogy, and one side of the family has traced our lineage back to one of the earlier royal English families. So many books, pictures, conversations, focused on the supposedly great people from the past; trying to bring the conversation into the present moment focusing on the people who are actually there is a challenge. It certain is taboo to give any kind of recognition to one of the scapegoats. Recently I was around the extended family for several months. One of my cousins talked to me with contempt in his voice and body language about how I had helped a woman friend of his after she had a terrible accident on a country road during the day, after he heard about it from her when she came to his party that night and was talking about how grateful she was for the help I gave her. He talked to me with contempt in front of everybody at the family gathering and insinuated that his friend was late for his party due to the accident that had actually occurred much earlier in the day. Later he insulted me over not participating in an earlier family party even though I had already been to several and demanded to know all the details of the legal problems with my NPD sister which I refused to discuss. When he left he hugged everybody goodbye and said he would not be hugging me. I am coming to accept that you are either part of the monarchy or you are not. I am glad I have the choice of being able to not participate most of the time, and I realize so many people can't get away right now, whether it is taking care of an elderly parent, getting a divorce, staying for the children, not being able to or not wanting to divorce the entire family and/or having financial legal problems with family members.