Couples therapy and boundaries? Interesting therapy session

[formflier]

So...I think you should make a  goal to "be ready" for couples therapy in a couple months.  I think you should have a list of specific things you are concerned about or are working on...and really focus on them.

I've been cheering you on for a while and it's obvious that changes have been made towards a healthier relationship.

Here is the thing your husband has going for him.  He engages with health care providers, will go to appointments and somewhat follow their directions.  Be thankful for that and "build on" that.

A specific thing that has irked you for a long time are his justifications..

I have to (insert abuse/bad stuff towards Ozzie) because she/the doctor/her parents/man on the moon  did (insert reason)

and a kissing cousin of

I would get better but doctors won't tell me what to do or I don't know what to do.

In a room with a couples therapist it's reasonable for you to expect them to guid a conversation that goes like this.

"Your P wants you to take this drug and abstain from booze, do you understand that?"

his answer

"So you are going to be compliant with your Ps directions?"

Last:

I think you should start a new thread about how you verbally "disengage" from your hubby...I think there are things there that can be changed and will likely result in less drama.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

I appreciate that, FF. I’m in a better position than some in that my H is (sometimes) open to therapy. And I will definitely give some thought to the specific things to address.

I’m sure there are better methods of disengagement and things can be tweaked. I need to think of a couple of recent examples…

[GaGrl]

Can you think of a couple of recent situations in which your H was looking to you to "solve" his problem? Think of how the conversation went from the problem, then eventually to his placing the onus on you to resolve it.

This could be a valuable place to start with couples therapy.

[formflier]

My guess is you should focus on the last 2 times you had to "disengage".  If you can recall your emotions and thinking that is great...but not critical.

Likely more productive to focus on ideas to disengage much much sooner than you did.

Maybe we can identify "markers" or "behaviors" that he exhibits that you can decide to be done with.

You've got this!

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, FF. I started the other thread. I do need to figure out better ways to shut him down and exit earlier.

[formflier]

Thanks, FF. I started the other thread. I do need to figure out better ways to shut him down and exit earlier.

Hey...this is a place to be hyper focused on boundaries and what you can and can't control.

I would drop every thought...every thought of "controlling"..."shutting down"..."stopping" your hubby.

I do think it's healthy to "be deliberate about leaving the door open" to healthy interactions (as you distance yourself do to his behavior).  This might be like "I'm going to take a break...want to have tea and chat more when I come back in 15 minutes."

wash rinse repeat by using "distance" when he is acting up..or his "trend" is obviously devolving and come "closer" to him when he is behaving better.

And...as I reflect on your stories...tons of times he was trying to say "I need space" yet he obviously didn't know how to say that/communicate that.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

You’re right. I can’t shut him down. “Remove myself” would have been a better choice of words.

I am trying to be more mindful of space — particularly when he seems moody. Sometimes it’s physical space, sometimes more just emotional.

I have found that the “15- or 30-minute break” tends to not work well for us. When he’s upset about something, 9 times out of 10, he ramps up even more in our time apart. It takes an overnight for him to cycle back down. Most of the time. But, it’s a rinse-repeat thing, I suppose. Keep going away if he’s not ready to interact in a healthy way and, at some point, remove myself for the night (by going to bed or leaving).

[formflier]

I have found that the “15- or 30-minute break” tends to not work well for us. When he’s upset about something, 9 times out of 10, he ramps up even more in our time apart. 

This is new information to me and I think right on point with something to be discussed jointly (yes right in front of him) in couples counseling.

"Gosh..I hate it for him.  We try taking breaks but when we come back together he appears more upset, which makes it even harder to communicate.  (to the counselor)  Do you have ideas of how we can do this differently?"

No counselor is going to recommend NOT taking breaks...so very quickly this will be put in the (him to work on individually category) with you being frank with couples T and his individual T about how this is going.

There are things people can do in a deliberate way to calm themselves (my P has taught me several different things)  However...all of them require a person to "want" to calm.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

You’re right that that’s something to bring up. Both our Ts recommended breaks a while back , but they ended up being counterproductive. It’s like he uses that time to ruminate. It honestly takes overnight for him to really cool off. He’s said many times that relaxation techniques never work for him because once negative thoughts or memories come in, that’s it.

[Couscous]

What rumination stopping techniques has he tried?

[Cat Familiar]

Well, I guess I’m a wet blanket here, but judging from my husband’s behavior, I think that the motivation to use relaxation techniques is missing.

It’s so ironic. My husband has literally thousands of books, no exaggeration, on Buddhism. He enjoys reading about it and going to Buddhist events with renowned masters he follows, or he used to before Covid.

But can he utilize any of the strategies he studies when upset? Maybe he does, but I just cannot notice it.  . Maybe his responses to triggers would be much worse without his study of this type of mindfulness. IDK?

My thought is that he enjoys in some unusual way the feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety…whatever. And for that reason, he has little to no motivation to try and employ strategies to get calm and centered.


 

[Ozzie101]

My H has recently started yoga, which he enjoys, and the class has a stress-management focus. Yet to be seen if it will help.

He’s tried counting, breath control, meditation, music. But he says once a negative thought is in his head, he can’t focus on anything else. He seems to have gotten into the habit of using me as his emotional garbage dump. That’s why I’m working on removing myself from the equation.

[formflier]

So...I'm going to stick with this being a great topic for couples counseling.  Because a couples counselor should be able to get to a point where they say define what is an individual issue (calming vs ruminating) and what can be addressed in couples versus individual.

Then everyone (most importantly you) will be able to see..understand and act on the information...

He will then either do something productive with this information/diagnosis...or he won't.  And you can make decisions about your future based on that.

Best,

FF

[Couscous]

I’m wondering if joining him for a session with his therapist to discuss just this issue might be something to consider.

[Ozzie101]

I have fine that before, a few times. The first time was when he was at his worst and led to him berating me for attacking him. The other times, he was more open, but I felt like I was walking a tightrope: saying the truth but not sounding like I was attacking.

His current T is someone he’s only net with twice, more than a month ago. After the holidays calm down, hopefully things will get to be more routine.

He would probably be open to it. He has before. He’d likely want to sit in on mine, too, which is fine.