Another morning

[Time_4_CHANGE]

I found this sight while listening to my “stop walking on egg shells” audio book. I’ve been in a relationship w someone whom I see exhibits a lot of the BPD and NPD traits for close to 9 years. I have tried to separate from them after one of their raging at me days sent her to jail. I dropped the charges but filed for divorce. The last two years have been on and off. She promises to change and while she hasn’t touched me since that day she still finds ways to be verbally abusive or non verbally abusive ( I get ignored for days at a time) we separated for most of this past year until I chose to try one more time. I moved back home despite having my own place now and things were great for about a month. Today is Sunday and the day after Christmas and she is upset I have to work. She spent Christmas Day ignoring me and volunteered to work ( I scheduled this work day last week) Christmas Eve she chose to ignore me. I don’t even know why anymore, it’s all such a blur. She’s an educated woman w a doctorate but cannot control the word vomit coming out of her and I’m so tired. I feel stuck and tired, I have wasted 9 years in this situation and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I got ready for work today went to the living room she was already awake, it was 8 am and she told me “well it’s nice your awake, don’t worry about doing anything I’ll do it all like usual” I dread interacting w her sometimes I know she is a better person but this rage is getting to be unbearable. I needed to vent thank you

[ACycleWiser]

First of all it is so sad that this is happening to you, we have all been there here. This place really helps not having to be alone with all this.

I have wasted 9 years in this situation and I don’t know how to get out of it.

How many more years would you like to waste on that situation further?
How many more years would you like a friend to waste on that situation further?

If both answers do not match, you need to take a step back and start giving yourself the advice you would give a friend.
The thing is: after years of this type of relationship dynamic chances are you kind of have unfriended yourself in the process.
Everyone on this forum has gone through that, and part of detaching is befriending ourselves again.
Once you start doing that, it becomes easier to know how to get out of it.

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for venting. I’ve been there, I am there. Take care of yourself. Read as many stories as you can here. Sounds like she will keep you in this loop forever and ever. Up to you what to do. Not sure if I have the strength right now to break out of this cycle, do you? Is she in proper DBT therapy? Hang in there. Do something nice for yourself today. The best indicator of her future behavior (without major therapeutic intervention) is her past behavior. What does this situation look like in 1, 5, 10 years? Does that make you happy? Also, ask yourself what are the pros and cons of staying in this relationship.

[Kaufmann]

I've been there, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. You reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is an important first step, as is posting here. You're going to get there; it might take a while, but you're going to get there. Please keep sharing.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Time_4_Change, 

Very glad you are here, and thank you for telling us about what you are going through. It sounds so hard. I have been there and struggled too. We are good listeners and can offer thoughts to help you deal with the life you are in. You have already gotten a lot of warm welcome from the other posters. 

How do you handle the verbal vomit and rages right now? Do you walk away, engage, get quiet? What has been helpful in the past that you have noticed?

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools

[SinisterComplex]

I found this sight while listening to my “stop walking on egg shells” audio book. I’ve been in a relationship w someone whom I see exhibits a lot of the BPD and NPD traits for close to 9 years. I have tried to separate from them after one of their raging at me days sent her to jail. I dropped the charges but filed for divorce. The last two years have been on and off. She promises to change and while she hasn’t touched me since that day she still finds ways to be verbally abusive or non verbally abusive ( I get ignored for days at a time) we separated for most of this past year until I chose to try one more time. I moved back home despite having my own place now and things were great for about a month. Today is Sunday and the day after Christmas and she is upset I have to work. She spent Christmas Day ignoring me and volunteered to work ( I scheduled this work day last week) Christmas Eve she chose to ignore me. I don’t even know why anymore, it’s all such a blur. She’s an educated woman w a doctorate but cannot control the word vomit coming out of her and I’m so tired. I feel stuck and tired, I have wasted 9 years in this situation and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I got ready for work today went to the living room she was already awake, it was 8 am and she told me “well it’s nice your awake, don’t worry about doing anything I’ll do it all like usual” I dread interacting w her sometimes I know she is a better person but this rage is getting to be unbearable. I needed to vent thank you

So one really important point I want to throw in here...someone's education level isn't necessarily a good indicator of their emotional maturity level. She may have a doctorate, but her EQ may still be severely lacking...which for all intents and purposes appears to be the case from what I gather here. Additionally, sometimes the super intelligent have spent all their time only focusing on achievement and developing their foundation of intellect. As a consequence they are quite deficient with the human side of their personality and lacking important social skills. Sometimes this can explain a lot, disordered or not.

Please keep venting an using this resource and let us know where your head is at and this family will do our best to assist you and keep you pointed in the right direction.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-