Threats of divorce while uBPDw is calm...is this a bad sign?

[NonnyMouse]

Threats of divorce have been common while uBPDw is angry. The threats have become more serious over the last 18 months, she contacted a lawyer. Meanwhile I've learned about BPD and the tricks of the trade have helped me stabilize the relationship. So far so good.

While she is behaving well she sometimes hints at a future life together. That's positive. But recently she has started mentioning divorce even while she is in a good mood. Just things like, "We still have to have a serious conversation about ..." To which I don't respond, other than slowly nodding.

This seems like a bad thing. I.e. still wanting a divorce when she is relatively normal. But a lot of BPD is counterintuitive. Who knows? Sometimes things get worse before getting better. Or maybe she is 'testing' me to see how I feel.

What are people's thoughts about this development?

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[bugwaterguy]

I am in a similar spot.  She has put a deposit on another place.  She is acting atypically calm. 

Check out this post that I started - it might be helpful - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351751.msg13162532#msg13162532

[JadedEmpath]

For what it's worth, my SOwBPD went through a phase of that (calmly talking about ending our relationship), and in the moment I think he even really felt that way each time, but he never followed through.

 I think it's part of the unconscious push/pull. Like when things feel too safe, too calm, he felt like he needed to "push" to protect himself. Like if I would leave him, it would hurt too much, and he wanted to be one step ahead just in case. Plus I think he could sense that it's more upsetting when he says this outside the context of an argument, that it feels more genuine.

After a while I quit arguing against the idea/stopped fighting alone for the relationship, and he just eventually stopped doing it. It's been years since he has done that now.

Wishing you both the best!

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD are often very good with the threats, but not so much with the follow through.

[NonnyMouse]

Thank you. That's all very helpful.

[mitten]

But recently she has started mentioning divorce even while she is in a good mood. Just things like, "We still have to have a serious conversation about ..." To which I don't respond, other than slowly nodding.

I wonder if she is actually saying that to get a reaction from you.  Seems like you're not giving her anything but a nod, which could be confusing to her.  Like do you want a divorce or not?  Are you agreeing or disagreeing when you nod? 

If you DON'T want a divorce, what about saying something like... "I've heard you say you want a divorce.  I don't want one.  I'm happy to talk about it more if you'd like". 

[NonnyMouse]

She knows I don't want one. Many/most things are confusing to her anyway. And Rule #1 is don't initiate any difficult conversations.

The downside is that she will accuse me of having my head in the sand. To which I respond with my slow nod of a slightly tilted head.