Spouse was recently diagnosed , need advice as i feel strong enough to leave .

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,
I’m new here , i found this by searching the web and see this is an amazing tool . I’m gonna give it a shot since i have no friends or family and my therapist says i need to find more support!

My situation is as such , i need advice on how to move forward to protect my kids .

My husband has bpd he was recently diagnosed, i have been abused most of our relationship and blame , shame and all the rest had been put on me . He is only going to his own therapy once or twice a month and continues to spiral in his push pull and splitting cycles . I have been in my own trauma therapy and have studied , learned and grown to keep myself and my kids regulated . I have finally written a letter to him about leaving, and currently am working on making it as straight forward so as not to blame or shame .

I am tired and the abuse cycle continues and it’s effecting my kids and me . Most of the abuse is to me which has gone from punching walls at the beginning of the relationship before kids , to getting couples counciling , so it stopped with boundaries.  to now manipulate and emotional. Great improvement from the past but the damage done has still remained. I have had a feeling of run for a long time but never had the courage but a splitting cycle happened again two days ago and pushed me over the edge .

I’m ready to tell him I’m done and it’s no longer good for us to be together. How do i protect my kids ? This is why i i have stayed for 14 years . So i can be a buffer so my kind are not left alone with him .  He has never been physically abusive since therapy but the emotional i step in when he tries to manipulate the kids .
My therapist knows all of this and i have a back up plan plus finances to leave . We are not in immediate danger but i fear he will hurt himself or go ballistic if we leave , still .

Thanks so much, any advise will help .

[This_is_me]

Hi everyone,
I’m new here , i found this by searching the web and see this is an amazing tool . I’m gonna give it a shot since i have no friends or family and my therapist says i need to find more support!

My situation is as such , i need advice on how to move forward to protect my kids .

My husband has bpd he was recently diagnosed, i have been abused most of our relationship and blame , shame and all the rest had been put on me . He is only going to his own therapy once or twice a month and continues to spiral in his push pull and splitting cycles . I have been in my own trauma therapy and have studied , learned and grown to keep myself and my kids regulated . I have finally written a letter to him about leaving, and currently am working on making it as straight forward so as not to blame or shame .

I am tired and the abuse cycle continues and it’s effecting my kids and me . Most of the abuse is to me which has gone from punching walls at the beginning of the relationship before kids , to getting couples counciling , so it stopped with boundaries.  to now manipulate and emotional. Great improvement from the past but the damage done has still remained. I have had a feeling of run for a long time but never had the courage but a splitting cycle happened again two days ago and pushed me over the edge .

I’m ready to tell him I’m done and it’s no longer good for us to be together. How do i protect my kids ? This is why i i have stayed for 14 years . So i can be a buffer so my kind are not left alone with him .  He has never been physically abusive since therapy but the emotional i step in when he tries to manipulate the kids .
My therapist knows all of this and i have a back up plan plus finances to leave . We are not in immediate danger but i fear he will hurt himself or go ballistic if we leave , still .

Thanks so much, any advise will help .

[CryingGame]

Hey This is me,

I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I hope you'll find some here and also some more out there in your world. Have you thought of getting help from a women's shelter or somewhere that helps abused women? It seems support on the ground would be in order for really leaving, since he's the father of your children and I'm guessing you'll be building a life that includes co-parenting?

It's more challenging with no friends or family. I was a single Mom a long time ago and moved to a new area and had no friends or family and it was quite hard.

You are afraid of how he'll behave if you tell him you're leaving. I wonder if you could be a part of his therapy and tell him there, and ask the therapist to help the two of you with the separation. A therapist that I'works with BPD might have good tools for that.

I'm pretty new here too, but wanted to send some love your way. Keep going one day at a time and you'll find your way out to freedom and more healing for you and your kids.

[BigOof]

My situation is as such, I need advice on how to move forward to protect my kids.

Read or listen to "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

We are not in immediate danger but I fear he will hurt himself or go ballistic if we leave, still.

This is not your problem. Stop caretaking him. Care for yourself and your children.

[Cat Familiar]

The most dangerous time is when you leave an abuser. Keep everything secret. Get all your ducks in a row. And get out, and go to a safe location that he doesn’t know about.

[Bara]

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story.

First, you are not alone.

In terms of bringing up separation. My therapist advised me that it is best to try to give them the idea the separation is better FOR THEM. You want him to come to this conclusion on his own without you telling him if possible. This avoids triggering the abandonment, failure feelings which will cause the blame and anger/punishment to come out.

Here are some ideas to help you get in that head space.
"Do you feel more peaceful when we are apart?"
"I think we are both trying as hard as we can, we may not be as compatible as we thought. What do you think?"
"How does being apart help our relationship? For me it can bring down the temperature when things are tough between us. How about for you?"
"We will always be a part of each others lives, and it may be time to change the nature of our relationship."

In any case this isn't easy. You may try suggesting couples therapy and when you have 1:1 time with the therapist let them know you would like help navigating separation but be clear about your concerns. They should be able to help keep some containment around the reaction that is bound to happen.

Hang in there, you can do it.

[Mommeredith81]

Cat is right. Leaving is the most dangerous time. And the answers aren't simple or quick. You are doing your best, I can tell. Be stealthy, plan. How old are your kids? Do they understand? Unless you can prove abuse of them, you may well have to share custody, so a lot of planning carefully is good (as long as it's safe to stay). It was very hard for me to leave my ex-H. He had a good side, as many do. I have to rush off now, but I can try to give more advice...weigh the pros and cons and bide your time. If you think the abuse is harming them, you do need to plan an escape, but you'll want to talk to a lawyer experienced in high-conflict divorce so you are prepared if he wants 50 percent custody and such. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask. I've been there. You are doing ok - it's very hard, I know.