Do they come back after dumping you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I've found this board. I've been experiencing a hellish break-up with my (suspected) BPD ex-girlfriend. It's been almost two months since she dumped me and I've desperately trying to get her back.

Our story:

We met almost a year ago, on Tinder. We didn't get along in the beginning (two weeks before we met, she had been living with some guy she called an «abuser» - I know for a fact she was deeply in love with him). Eventually, we had sex, she asked me to be her boyfriend, and, two weeks later, we were living together. Our relationship was between heaven and hell. Huge fights over jealousy, over money and over common household shores broke out almost immediately. She checked my phone quite regularly, accused me of cheating on her (she had cheated on previous boyfriends) and had a poor control over her finances and took every sort of criticism as shattering and as prove I didn't love her. She was obsessed about me leaving her. So obsessed indeed that she tattooed my name on her arm one month after we moved in together. It was a stormy relationship, but I became deeply attached to her. 
Then, she left. She broke up with me on my mother's birthday. For a while she tried to keep me close (no sex, just sleeping together), but now she seems to barely care about me. I keep on asking her if she has somebody else, when she answers, she never tells me yes or no. I've been losing all self-respect trying to get her back. Yesterday, I sent her a huge text exposing how the situation was affecting and asking her to give some closure. She didn't reply. Should I expect her to come back somehow? I'm really lost here. I

[Fountaine31]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I've found this board. I've been experiencing a hellish break-up with my (suspected) BPD ex-girlfriend. It's been almost two months since she dumped me and I've desperately trying to get her back.

Our story:

We met almost a year ago, on Tinder. We didn't get along in the beginning (two weeks before we met, she had been living with some guy she called an «abuser» - I know for a fact she was deeply in love with him). Eventually, we had sex, she asked me to be her boyfriend, and, two weeks later, we were living together. Our relationship was between heaven and hell. Huge fights over jealousy, over money and over common household shores broke out almost immediately. She checked my phone quite regularly, accused me of cheating on her (she had cheated on previous boyfriends) and had a poor control over her finances and took every sort of criticism as shattering and as prove I didn't love her. She was obsessed about me leaving her. So obsessed indeed that she tattooed my name on her arm one month after we moved in together. It was a stormy relationship, but I became deeply attached to her. 
Then, she left. She broke up with me on my mother's birthday. For a while she tried to keep me close (no sex, just sleeping together), but now she seems to barely care about me. I keep on asking her if she has somebody else, when she answers, she never tells me yes or no. I've been losing all self-respect trying to get her back. Yesterday, I sent her a huge text exposing how the situation was affecting and asking her to give some closure. She didn't reply. Should I expect her to come back somehow? I'm really lost here. I

[B1987]

Hi there

So sorry to hear what you've been through, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship to me (no judgement, I've been there too).

A lot of what you describe sounds similar to my experience - the possessiveness, not wanting me to leave etc.

My advice right now is to read up on bpd and what makes them tick, hearing about other people experiences helps too as it will help you to see that it isn't anything wrong with you, this is a very destructive disease that creates a lot of hurt and confusion.

If she does have bpd, it's a 99% chance she has multiple men orbiting around her and has done throughout your relationship (it took me a while to accept this but it's true). People with bpd absolutely cannot be alone - they desperately need attention to stop them slipping further into the black hole they exist in. It's so hard but try not to get too invested in what she's doing, she'll probably portray a fun, carefree existence but they are seriously damaged and carry a lot of trauma and pain.

I would suggest you stop contacting her immediately - go full no contact. It's the most painful thing I've ever done but it's seriously imperative to wellbeing and recovery.

In my experience they do come back. I wanted this more than ever so every time my ex got in touch I was easily swayed to try again. It NEVER gets better though. They will say whatever they need to in order for you to let them back in but will sabotage things even more quickly and ruthlessly than before, it's almost a guarantee.

So if she does get back in touch, it's your decision of what to do but expect even more lies, cheating, arguments, paranoia, money problems - just to name a few things I had to deal with.

So to reiterate - absolutely no contact! Don't check how she is. Don't send her any pictures. No emails, phone calls - anything. It's going to be so difficult but you can do it. 

Any attention from you is only fueling her ego and let's her know you're still on the hook. She sees you as a resource and you DO NOT deserve that. Don't validate her or give her the satisfaction of your attention/energy.

Sorry if I sound tough but I've been where you are. I loved my ex so much (and still do) but I let her back in too many times and got lied to, used, messed around, lost my self-respect and wasted months trying to please someone who will never understand true and selfless love.

You have all of our support and I wish you strength and courage to get through this.

If you have anymore questions or want to give updated, this board is very useful.

[heidelberg]

Hi Fountaine, thought I would share some thoughts and this might be straightforward but it comes from a good place.

Your post was filled with red flags some of which I'm sure you recognize in hindsight. Someone from this board once wrote that when someone tells you who they really are you should listen. The fact she told you upfront that her previous fling was an abuser and you don't believe that to be true, is a foreshadowing of her treating you in the exact same way: you're probably the "new" abuser now. In my opinion she projected a lot of her insecurities on you, ie. her fear of you leaving her her could be her projecting guilt for cheating on you. If someone is afraid you might leave them it doesn't necessarily mean they just have abandonment issues, maybe she indeed was "bad" in a sense (perhaps because she cheated), and thought you would be "crazy" to stay with her. The tattoo thing could be considered cute if you yourself have attachment issues, but to me it reads like she has to remind herself she loves you, which is another red flag.

There's no win here in my opinion. As you state yourself you lose self-respect when going back. I have tried this a couple of times over the years and feel I'm finally able to cope with my codependent issues, so it's not going to be easy. Took me at least 3-5 years.

IMO gtfo!

You should check out 2010 (an old user here) - he/she had a lot of insights into this dynamic.

[Fountaine31]

Thank you both for your replies. Actually it's a huge relieve to be able to feel understood regarding this subject.

It always made sense to me that she would sorround herself with lots of new men. While we were in the relationship, in our last two weeks together, I asked her, for the first and last time, to see who she was talking to (he have had a huge fight befora 'cause she checked my phone again, read my notebooks, and, of course, she would always "find" something that would tell her I would cheat on her - I have two female friends, who are long time friends of mine, that she tried to alienate because she was convinced I would envolve myself with them; ironically, almost all her male friends are ex-lovers or ex-boyfriends), so, in that night I asked to see who she was talking to, she had a lot o messages from guys on her phone and on social media, she didnt reply to any of them in an obvious reciprocal way, but she was «getting to know» one of them. Knowing this, I told her I had to rethink the relationship, 'cause, honestly, I was fed up with her hypocrisy. We slept in separate rooms that night. I didn't leave the relationship. Two weeks later, after I arranged a couples therapy appointment, she broke up. We had a house together, she kept the house. I'm surprised how come she can manage to even stay there. It seems that suddenly she just became a whole different person. My feelings seems utterly insignificant to her.

Today I'm trying not to text her asking if she will reply to my «closure text». I'm afraid of going no contact with her because I think I will never hear from her if I do that. Although, from what I read in these boards, that would be the best thing that could happen to me.

I'm very fond of this girl. We had turbulent life, but it was beautiful in a way. And what really bugs me is that I can't seem to find much joy in the idea of a future without her. She would always talk about kids, marriage, stuff like that. It's really hard to process all this.

Thanks for everything, once again. I feel really lost, honestly, and to your replies gave some sort of relief.

[B1987]

I remember her questioning me a lot about other women when we were together. She didn't like where I worked because there were a lot of women and would constantly question me about whether I was talking to anyone else. I never did and was always faithful to her but it didn't matter.

At the same time, I always had a gut feeling there were other people she was talking to. I couldn't raise my concerns though because she would get terribly insulted by this and it just wasn't worth the aggravation and personal attacks that would come from it.

I know how hard it is when you love them. I still love my ex and it's still painful that I've shut her out, but it does get better. Things for you sounded very dysfunctional and toxic and they only get worse. I've read stories of people losing their family over this, getting in debt and losing their house. BPD's have an inherent ability to sabotage and destroy things. They cannot sustain anything long term. Even though my ex would talk about moving in together, getting married etc, she could not sustain the means to achieve those things, her behaviour was too strange and erratic. You cannot build anything with them.

I struggled with the no contact but ultimately I had to do it for my own self-respect. You are only an option to them so why waste the energy on anyone who legitimately isn't committed to you? There's no magical text or thing you can say to make them see sense. They'll either become more distant or will revel in seeing you try as it boosts their fragile ego.

I know it hurts like hell but I assure you, where bpd is concerned, it will only bring pain and drama. Get out. 

[heidelberg]

I'm surprised how come she can manage to even stay there. It seems that suddenly she just became a whole different person.

..Dude, an important lesson I learned is that other people don't necessarily think like me. We have a tendency to project that. Try to imagine she's a bit more egotistical than you (not really a stretch from your OP): "Yay, free house!"

She didn't become a whole different person, she became herself, finally giving up the charade of mirroring. What you saw during the relationship was her mirroring your interests/likes which is what created the very strong bond: we're drawn to people who resemble ourselves.

And what really bugs me is that I can't seem to find much joy in the idea of a future without her.

This can be hard to grasp at first, but in my own case was the truth: it wasn't so much her, but my own idea of me in a relationship with her (to put it simply, stroking my "White Knight" ego). But that's really the silver lining here if you pay attention: you don't have to get her back to get the feeling of happiness back, you have to instead examine what your part in the relationship was.

Food for thought:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293011.0

[chinchilla_dad]

If you haven't already Start learning the lingo.  Mirroring splitting Gaslighting charming Favorite person etc.  It'll prevent you from making the Same mistakes in the future Because if you fell for a borderline you run the risk of doing again. 

Spend some time learning about boundaries And remember that You are the only person That you can control.  Try to figure out what aspects About yourself Drew you to her.

Borderlines live in a fantasy land And I have some serious blind spot in the brain.  I've heard it called quasi-psychosis. 

[Fountaine31]

I remember her questioning me a lot about other women when we were together. She didn't like where I worked because there were a lot of women and would constantly question me about whether I was talking to anyone else. I never did and was always faithful to her but it didn't matter.

At the same time, I always had a gut feeling there were other people she was talking to. I couldn't raise my concerns though because she would get terribly insulted by this and it just wasn't worth the aggravation and personal attacks that would come from it.

This is exactly what happened to me. She also turn very mad if I accused her of the slightest indiscretion. It's so scary how many stories here resonate with mine. In a way, it's relieving, but I can't help feeling that I didn't exactly know this girl. As I think about it right now, I can only be filled with anger. A part of my wants to see her again just to let go of worst things I would like to say to her (since the break up I've been very nice with her, always tacking blame for everything, always being insulted...).

[Fountaine31]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293011.0

Thank you. I read this in a breath. It shocked me how it seemed to describe in detail what happened to me and her. Thank you so much. I guess this wasn't my first relationship with a my girl with BPD - my first girlfriend, we stayed 8 years together, and she would lie, cheat and be extremely careless with money; she left for another guy and it left a huge whole. I honestly got to the point of confusing my first girlfriend's name with my last one's. They are similiar in many ways. That first girlfriend I had completely ghosted me three months after the break up. It was traumatizing how somebody who was almost part of my family could just erase me like that (by then, was not even contacting her, so I never understood this). This is also one of the reasons I asked if they come back. Because my first just never did.

[heidelberg]

That post helped me a lot too. All kudos to 2010.

I guess this wasn't my first relationship with a my girl with BPD

Probably not.

They might come back, they might not. But at the moment your toolset is not different and therefore the outcome would be as bad, if not worse, than it was the first time around. You have made some realisations on the logical level but they have to become intuitive.
 
If I were you (and to some extent I was), I would start reading from the oldest posts on this subforum ("detaching"), there's a lot of gems. You can read it when you feel weak-willed and feeling like texting her. It will make you completely understand the dynamics and reading other people experiencing almost your exact situation and failing to solve the problem, after a while instills the much needed sense of "live and let live" which enables you to finally move on.

This book is also (as the cover suggest) "a gem": https://www.amazon.com/Search-Real-Self-Unmasking-Personality/dp/0029202922

[Fountaine31]

They might come back, they might not. But at the moment your toolset is not different and therefore the outcome would be as bad, if not worse, than it was the first time around. You have made some realisations on the logical level but they have to become intuitive.
 
If I were you (and to some extent I was), I would start reading from the oldest posts on this subforum ("detaching"), there's a lot of gems. You can read it when you feel weak-willed and feeling like texting her. It will make you completely understand the dynamics and reading other people experiencing almost your exact situation and failing to solve the problem, after a while instills the much needed sense of "live and let live" which enables you to finally move on.

This book is also (as the cover suggest) "a gem": https://www.amazon.com/Search-Real-Self-Unmasking-Personality/dp/0029202922

Thanks a lot.

I've been searching throughout the boards to find stories and situations that I could identify with. I've found some. The feeling of despair after break ups with a pwBPD seems to be somewhat common. I thought that I was one of the few that would obsess about my ex's (possible) current partners and current life, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I've found testimonials of extreme pain that actually made me see my situation as a less unique case. That somehow helps.

As for the process of going NO CONTACT, it's been hard. I've not been able to detach myself from her, and, since she contacts to know how I am, my feelings for her seem to comeback with strenght, providing me with a temporary relief that is followed by a horrible emotional hangover. Maybe one of you can shed some light on why she keeps reaching out, asking me how I am, but not displaying much afection (well, she did make a light reference to our intimacy: some series we watched, some baby talk, stuff like that). From what she told me she's learning how to live alone, she's been having panic attacks while trying to adapt to an empty silent house for herself. It seems that she's trying to convince me that she's overcoming her fears, but, unless I'm wrong about her, it might be a temporary thing, as her tendency is to never be alone.

One of the things I've been thinking as well, and that make me feel somewhat guilty for the break up, was my constant cricticism of her behaviour. I would point to her lots of times that her childlike attitude was not proper for starting a family (like she said she wanted, many times), I would point everything that made unsatisfied. In a way, I'm well aware of my contribution for her departure: I was not satisfied with her, I felt trapped, I wanted her to change. Sometimes, I wonder if we would still be together if had just been more laid back.

Considering all this, I'm struggling a lot to go NC because I feel an immense guilt.

[GTS22]

Sounds like yours is coming back, at least in some capacity.  Mine has moved on to a new dude, just weeks after we broke up.  And yet I still miss her.

[Fountaine31]

Sounds like yours is coming back, at least in some capacity.  Mine has moved on to a new dude, just weeks after we broke up.  And yet I still miss her.

I'm really sorry to hear that. How did you find out?

I don't know if mine is coming back or if she's single. My knowledge of her seems somehow blurry, these days. She deleted me of all her social media, so she's clearly keeping stuff from me. Honestly, when it comes to move on, the less you know the better.

[chinchilla_dad]

Fountaine31 - You might also want to research Serotonin and dopamine to help You understand why you were feeling the way you are Because the love bombing That they do Gives you some pretty serious hits Of those hormones And getting yanked right out of that so quickly Gives you a physical withdrawal Like any other drug.

GTS22 - I have a buddy who's Wife Found out That she's NPD In therapy And Literally Walked Down the street to find the first guy That would sleep with her Then she moved in for doors down Within a week But not before Having him over While my buddy was there And then They would have sex In his bed When my friend would leave To go to a support group Meeting. 

My wife pulled the magical BPD Disappearing act Two days after a 10 year anniversary And moved out of state.  We found out She moved Back in with her mother and her mother's boyfriend But when the sheriffs Department went out there to serve her With divorce paperwork They were told she doesn't live there anymore And they thinkThat she moved Out of town But no idea where So now it's private investigator time    Talk about no contact. 

[brighter future]

Most of the time, they do come back after the honeymoon phase ends on their new relationships. Mine abruptly discarded me, was talking to her new man the next day, and was in a committed relationship with him about two weeks later. It was plastered all over social media bragging about her dates and how wonderful he was. About 6 weeks into our relationship, I found out she discarded this same guy for me then dumps me for him. At the time of our breakup she told me she "Had nothing left to say" to me when I told her we needed to wait on engagement. After hearing that from her in addition to seeing all of the crap on social media about her newfound love, I went into NC mode and deleted her (did not block though) on all social media.

About 4-5 months later, she started reacting and commenting on posts I'd make on mutual friends' social media pages. I ignored her on each and every one of those instances. About a month after the initial ping, she sent me a text message saying that she'd like to see me and return a household kitchen item that I gave to her a year and a half earlier. When I gave that item to her, I told her that I did not want it back and that I intended on donating it to a charity if she didn't want it. When I received the text saying that she'd like to return it to me, I simply said "No thanks. It was a gift. Give it away to someone you know or a charity." All I got was an "Ok, Thanks" reply. The social media pings continued for another 6-7 months, and they finally stopped. However, she will still walk over and talk to me on occasion when she visits her parents that live next door to me. Each time any of this contact has occurred, if it's in person, over text, or over social media, it always happens when her current love isn't around. When he's visiting next door with her, I'm treated like I'm not even there which is the way I want it. I just wish she'd ignore me when lover boy isn't around. My guess is that she pulled the same kind of nonsense with him when she was with me and probably many other men as well. I saw text messages on her phone from him periodically when we were together. Looking back, I should have questioned it.

It's been about 3 months since I've heard from her, and I hope she sticks to it. I have been cordial when she's walked over to see me, but I've never given her any reason to believe that I'm interested. I will look her in the eye when I'm talking to her, but she will never look me in the eye. Maybe a touch of guilt? Who knows.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

[GTS22]

I found out because friends that are still connected with her on social media sent me the screenshots.  The new guy seems blissfully happy, just like I was only a few months ago.  My relationship only lasted 2-1/2 month before I ended it.  8 incredible weeks followed by 3 tumultuous weeks when she did and said some crazy things.  I miss her terribly, as those first 8 weeks were so absolutely fantastic, and even the tumultuous weeks had some highs in them.  I've never experienced what I'm feeling right now from a relationship that I ended, and that only lasted such a short period of time.  I know I ended things because her behavior didn't sit right with me, but why can't I believe in myself instead of questioning the decision to end things?  I so miss the love that she's giving to this new clown right now. 

[chinchilla_dad]

GTS - It's because their idea of "love"  Isn't really love.  They may think it is but it's not healthy mature love.

[ACycleWiser]

I so miss the love that she's giving to this new clown right now.  

Trust me, it is more a type of dissociation than real love, it's intense and submissive, but also wholly detached from reality.

Every honeymoon phase typically causes us to see with some "blind spots", even between healthy people this happens.
But the level of projection, mirroring and fantasy that obsessively captures a BPD person at that time fades quickly.
We are the ones that actually have more time needed to withdraw, for us its real, not a dissociative episode that can collapse from one moment to the next.

[Fountaine31]

Reading all of your experiences reinforces my belief that my ex is undoubtedly BPD. Although it doesn't make love her any less, it does seem to make me feel that I have the duty to see the aftermath of the breakup as the consequence of a mental illness.

Them rushing into a new relationship, trying to charm us when they want something the other guy can't provide, taking advantage of our neediness through the push-pull, all of that seems to be symptoms that are inseparable from the disease. Now that I think about it, my ex was always using her previous exes to complain about her anxiety issues. They clearly served the role of caretakers «while I was having all the fun with her». I believe most us, when charmed, will be like those guys. I think it's only worth staying in touch if we can truly look at these people as sick and have a genuine preoccupation with them. Everything besides that seems like a never-ending cycle of emotional wounding that might as well drive us to the madhouse.

Seeing them as sick people that, once upon a time, loved us in their own crazy and overwhelming way might do some justice to our hurting. It was never supposed to be anything else than a temporary ride between heaven and hell. I'm trying to hold on to the good things, seeing them as memories that belong to me. I don't want to know (or I'll try my best not to find out) who she's dating, if she's happy, what she's doing. The less we know the better, that's what it seems.

[chinchilla_dad]

You might have to take a hard look As to what the word 'love' means to you.  I realized that The longing And the feelings I'm still experiencing In the face of everything Is purely A chemical unbalance in my head And once I figured out what those chemicals were And what they did I was able to get that fixed From healthier things.

For me real love, In a romantic way, is much more complex And Goes past The simple chemical reactions but that's me.  I don't think a real BPD is capable Of complex love.  What they are experiencing Is the love A toddler has for it's parents.  Love you are experiencing Might be More similar To Loving a child Or a pet Because your brain is confused.  We all have The instinct To take care of something that's vulnerable and hopeless. 

[Fountaine31]

You might have to take a hard look As to what the word 'love' means to you.  I realized that The longing And the feelings I'm still experiencing In the face of everything Is purely A chemical unbalance in my head And once I figured out what those chemicals were And what they did I was able to get that fixed From healthier things.

For me real love, In a romantic way, is much more complex And Goes past The simple chemical reactions but that's me.  I don't think a real BPD is capable Of complex love.  What they are experiencing Is the love A toddler has for it's parents.  Love you are experiencing Might be More similar To Loving a child Or a pet Because your brain is confused.  We all have The instinct To take care of something that's vulnerable and hopeless. 

On point.

One of the things this whole experience has led me to face was precisely my definition of love. Since my first girlfriend (8 years: lied, cheated, left me for another, and ghosted me forever - probably BPD too), I've been falling for girls who essentially need my help. There's probably something wrong with me as well. I've not been capable of a more stable and less intense relationship. Eventually, I get bored, I start to get mad, I start to criticize. But this only has happened with girls that seem to fit in the cluster B category.

(My ex keeps reaching out. Basically to tell me bad stuff about her life and to ask me how I'm doing. She doesn't seem to want to meet me though.)

[GTS22]

Chincilla Dad, you are correct.  What stinks is that I felt so loved and appreciated, and now I can see it was all a charade.  And she's doing the same thing to the next clown.  Part of me wants to be able to forget her and move forward.  The other part wants her to "snap out of it", dump this loser, and come running back to me.  I guess that's the ego part talking?  I'm the one who needs to "snap out of it", but I can't seem to do that.  I don't suppose she will reach out to me at least until after this new relationship is over?  By then, maybe I'll be healed enough to move on?

[chinchilla_dad]

I know it's rough guys.  This was probably my second one in a row as well and now normal relationships seem so bland and dull.  I aim to make this all a learning experience and grow and come out a better, healthier, stronger person.  The only people we could actually fix or do anything about are Ourselves. I don't want to say nice guys finish last But I am working on being more disagreeable To protect myself in the future.  I am also Finally owning up That I need to fix My lonely inner child And work on developing secure attachment styles.  We need to make sure that We are happy with ourselves Before We can try to make other people happy. 

[Fountaine31]

It's really hard.

Because she texted me yesterday, I've been feeling stuck in denial of the break-up, constantly reliving moments of our intimacy like I'm in some kind of nostalgic theatre. I also felt loved in a way I've never felt before. I miss my life with her more than anything. Today is going to be hard. I'm just hoping it gets easier since I'm trying to fight all hope that she will come back.

[GTS22]

 I hear you Fountaine.  You're at least communicating with your ex.  I'm not sure which is worse - your situation or mine?  You're stuck in limbo.  I'm trying to accept that there's no hope in my situation.  She's moved on to a new guy, and I just don't want to believe that's possible.  I haven't communicated with her since Dec 30, when she said we could maybe talk the following week.  Then on Jan 3, I learn she's in a Facebook committed relationship with another dude?  I don't understand how that happens.  I'm sure I'm better off that she's moved on, because from everything I read on this board, if they do come back, they just recycle through the same idolization-devaluation-discard with you, but only faster each time.  I guess I should be thankful that I didn't get that opportunity?  But, like you, I miss her so much. 

[ILMBPDC]

You might have to take a hard look As to what the word 'love' means to you.  I realized that The longing And the feelings I'm still experiencing In the face of everything Is purely A chemical unbalance in my head And once I figured out what those chemicals were And what they did I was able to get that fixed From healthier things.

This is great advice. Most people (me included!) don't understand that the "high" of that chemical flush does not - cannot - last forever. The chemical feeling is not love. Its usually limerence** or lust. After the dust settles  and the chemicals disperse and the "real" person starts to show up -  only then can you even start to know if you could love this person.

I saw this description online:
Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust. Love can vary in intensity and can change over time
I've seen similar descriptions that also include the word "respect" and I think that is important.

Its important to look past the chemical high and ask yourself: Do I respect and trust this person?  Do they respect and trust me? Do I feel protected? Do they? Are both of us committed to the relationship? Can we be intimate with each other (not talking sex here, I mean can we both be vulnerable and open without fear)?

In my case - and from what I see here, a lot of our cases - the answers are no. I never felt like I could truly be vulnerable and open, I didn't feel protected, I didn't trust him and he was absolutely not committed to the relationship. I had to admit to myself what I felt was limerence** and a desire to feel wanted (which I did due to his love bombing) but it was not love.

I spent a lot of time thinking about love - real, true love. I love my daughter, my friends, my sister, my mom, my dogs...I am relaxed and secure in my love for them. I accept them as they are and they accept me. We don't try to change each other, we don't walk on eggshells around each other, we don't fear that having hard discussions with each other will ruin our relationship. Its not a romantic love, but I am starting to understand that the only difference in so-called romantic love vs platonic love is the sexual attraction. The crazy must-be-with-them-always attraction is just dopamine/oxytocin and is not love at all. This is why the longest lasting relationships are usually between people who were friends first - they learned to love each other fully and truly and the sexual attraction came later. This is why people can be married for 50 years and still be happy to be with each other every single day - they are basing their relationships on real love, not chemical "love". Honestly, my mind was blown when I realized this.



**Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. I see it a ton on these boards.

[Fountaine31]

I hear you Fountaine.  You're at least communicating with your ex.  I'm not sure which is worse - your situation or mine?  You're stuck in limbo.  I'm trying to accept that there's no hope in my situation.  She's moved on to a new guy, and I just don't want to believe that's possible.  I haven't communicated with her since Dec 30, when she said we could maybe talk the following week.  Then on Jan 3, I learn she's in a Facebook committed relationship with another dude?  I don't understand how that happens.  I'm sure I'm better off that she's moved on, because from everything I read on this board, if they do come back, they just recycle through the same idolization-devaluation-discard with you, but only faster each time.  I guess I should be thankful that I didn't get that opportunity?  But, like you, I miss her so much.  

I think the main difference between our situations is that I don't know what she's doing or who she's with. These people are sick and they tend to have a messed up way of dealing with their own pain. It's always better not to know how they are doing. That new guy she's with will be in your shoes in a while.

I'm sorry that you found out about them, anyway. The same happened to me in my 8 relationship (plus she blocked me on everything, even my number). It hasn't easy. At the time, it felt impossible to overcome. I cried my guts out for the first two months, and then, slowly, time went by, I started to cry less and less, and, one day, woke up «fine». That will come for you as well. It will come for me too, once again.

Btw, in the 8-year relationship I've just mentioned, I heard, one year after the break-up, that the guy she left me for was driven nuts by the fact that she cheated on him plenty of times. So he tried to commit suicide just six months after she called him on Facebook «the love of my life». She had called me once, too, the love of her life.

[ACycleWiser]

Its important to look past the chemical high and ask yourself: Do I respect and trust this person?  Do they respect and trust me? Do I feel protected? Do they? Are both of us committed to the relationship? Can we be intimate with each other (not talking sex here, I mean can we both be vulnerable and open without fear)?

ironically in my therapy session this morning we discussed attachment styles; and one of the questions popped to me was:

"what would you say is the number one need for you NOW to have a fulfilling and long lasting relationship?"

And to my own surprise the first word that came into my mind was: "safety" - to feel safe to show yourself as a whole person, with all strengths and weaknesses.

Last session we discussed my history and how i always had looked mainly for "intense chemistry" or "romantic tension" in a relationship, and NOW i gave a different answer :-)

The surprise even became more poignant when my therapist threw me another curve question: What does a person with an avoidant attachment style do when there is "tension"? And i could not answer anything else than describe what my behavior in the relationship had looked like: either i was overcompensating or hiding out, but it was never really safe to be just "me" beyond a certain point in the rs dynamic.

so, a lot of this comes just down to just that, you have attachment styles that are compatible chemistry wise and that are hard to resist or withdraw from, but they are totally unhealthy due to each styles blind spots and defunct coping mechanisms creating that very chemistry.

[csquare319]

Maybe one of you can shed some light on why she keeps reaching out, asking me how I am, but not displaying much afection (well, she did make a light reference to our intimacy: some series we watched, some baby talk, stuff like that).

She wants to show you and, more importantly, to her fractured self, that she still owns you.