Need Advice: Supporting undiagnosed BPD fiancés new business

[helplesscarebear]

Long time reader, first time poster.

I’ve suspected for years that my longterm boyfriend, now fiance, suffers from BPD. He previously saw a therapist who was against labels, which I thought was a bit silly because how can you help the root of the problem if you only focus on alleviating the symptoms… anyways, I digress.

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster, as all BPD relationships are. Started dating at 19 and are now 28. But in our relationship we’ve made a lot of progress over the past 6 months and are honestly the happiest we’ve been. His splitting episodes are less frequent and rarely are directed at me.  But an issue that’s come up recently is his career path (or lack there of) and contributions to the household.

I’ve been the breadwinner for the essentially our entire relationship. As background I lost my father as a teenager and received a pretty large inheritance, but I also worked hard out of university and secured a well paying government job with great benefits. We moved into a property I inherited at 22 and then a house I bought last year. He’s basically only paid for his food expenses while I cover everything else. When I was younger I didn’t have a issue with it as we were in university and then starting out in the professional world, I figured he’d pay me back in the long run. Fast forward 4 years post graduation and during that time he was unemployed over a year, worked as a bank teller for a year then quit because largely because he struggled working with the public. He then decided to start a videography business despite never holding a camera prior to, largely because he never wants to work for someone else. Still continues not to contribute beyond groceries.

I’ve been supportive of him trying to start this business and knew it might take some time before having regular pay cheques. I also thought it might be good for him to be creative and not having interpersonal issues with coworkers or the public, but now all of his issues are with his few clients. Most recently he did work for a family friend. Sent the product and invoice to the client 4 days ago, and hasn’t heard back yet. He’s taking it as a personal attack, believes the person is screwing him over and is withholding money as a power trip… I tried to validate that it’s ok to be disappointed and frustrated that they haven’t acknowledged reviving the images, but they’re probably busy with other priorities and will likely  respond over the weekend. Now I’m the bad guy for “defending this jerk” (more creative language was used.

All in all, he’s only been at this new business for a few months, but it seems after every contract/gig he says he won’t work with that client again for different personal reasons. He takes business as personal when it shouldn’t be. To me I don’t see how he can grow a business if every gig turns into a personal issue. Meaning the habit of me covering his expense continues and resentment builds.

My question to this forum - is there anyone here have a SO with BPD that has successful run a small business or have advice to help me support him in his career (either with this business or encouraging other career paths)?  Also, please provide supportive and constructive responses.

Thanks in advance,

C

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I was in business with my BPD ex husband and there were many times I had to take over projects when he abandoned them in the midst of a temper tantrum.

What you’ve been experiencing with his lack of full participation as an equal partner is not likely to change. Many people with BPD drift from occupation to occupation because they seem to think there is a *perfect, conflict-free* path that’s out there.

In the future should you marry, how do you imagine this will impact you if you, as the breadwinner, get sick or take time out for pregnancy?

[zondolit]

This hits home for me. My husband has run a small business for about 12 years. It has never made money, sometimes loses money, and my husband contributes nothing financially to the household beyond splitting the internet bill and paying for tax preparation.

While, with a therapist's help, he has started equally sharing school drop-off and pick-up for our children, and making weekday dinners, I have often felt like a single, working mother: not only am I the breadwinner but I am the main parent. And he can feel like a fourth child.

Perhaps most maddening is he constantly accuses me of not contributing to the family and not holding up "my half of the bargain." I've learned this is his projection.

Likewise, when he earlier worked a salaried job he had many interpersonal conflicts and rarely held a job for more than several years. Because he is happier being self-employed and there are fewer conflicts with colleagues (although, as you are finding, even being self-employed means you work with clients, suppliers, etc.), I've accepted our current arrangement but will no longer subsidize his business. I recently opened my own bank account where my paycheck is deposited.

[helplesscarebear]

This hits home for me. My husband has run a small business for about 12 years. It has never made money, sometimes loses money, and my husband contributes nothing financially to the household beyond splitting the internet bill and paying for tax preparation.

While, with a therapist's help, he has started equally sharing school drop-off and pick-up for our children, and making weekday dinners, I have often felt like a single, working mother: not only am I the breadwinner but I am the main parent. And he can feel like a fourth child.

Perhaps most maddening is he constantly accuses me of not contributing to the family and not holding up "my half of the bargain." I've learned this is his projection.

Likewise, when he earlier worked a salaried job he had many interpersonal conflicts and rarely held a job for more than several years. Because he is happier being self-employed and there are fewer conflicts with colleagues (although, as you are finding, even being self-employed means you work with clients, suppliers, etc.), I've accepted our current arrangement but will no longer subsidize his business. I recently opened my own bank account where my paycheck is deposited.

It’s definitely nice to feel like I’m not the only one in this situation.   Are you hopefully he’ll continue to take on more responsibilities? And do you think having the help of a therapist is a big help? I’ve considered couples therapy for awhile…

[helplesscarebear]

I was in business with my BPD ex husband and there were many times I had to take over projects when he abandoned them in the midst of a temper tantrum.

What you’ve been experiencing with his lack of full participation as an equal partner is not likely to change. Many people with BPD drift from occupation to occupation because they seem to think there is a *perfect, conflict-free* path that’s out there.

In the future should you marry, how do you imagine this will impact you if you, as the breadwinner, get sick or take time out for pregnancy?

Thankfully I work for the Canadian federal govt, so I have pretty great sick leave and mat leave benefits, but if I ever ended up on long term disability that would be a different story.

Did your ex husband do better being self employed or on salary for a company? I honestly don’t know what way I should be encouraging him…

[thankful person]

Hi Care Bear, big Care Bears fan here! Welcome! I don’t have much advice but thought I’d just share my experiences. You are certainly not alone. I have been with my wife for nearly 8 years and money has always been a huge issue for us. She has had many different jobs in the time that we’ve been together, for much of that time only working a few hours a week, and often leaving jobs suddenly, on bad terms. She also had issues getting along with colleagues and management. This has always been an issue for me too but I don’t quit over it, I’ve worked mostly 40 hour weeks for over 20 years. My parents worked hard all their lives, her father is on disability benefit and her mother cares for him, so neither of them worked when my wife was growing up. We are a lesbian couple and she is the biological mother of our two young children (She is 15 years younger than me) so she spends her time caring for them and I am now mostly responsible for all bills, mortgage, food, and paying off our debts. I also pay for her phone and car and insurance etc. I am a self employed piano teacher and dyslexic tutor/part time cleaner. Covid has hit my business hard, I’ve lost work due to teaching online as our baby was unwell and is still vulnerable. Our mortgage is sky high because we planned to move house last year and it fell through so we’re on variable rate which is going up each month. We have found a new home where we will be mortgage free, the sooner we can move there the better. But our problems are ongoing which is why I sadly don’t have any advice for you. My wife’s own latest venture into self-employment is a dog boarding business. Yeah guess who does most of the dog care while she looks after the children. And I take the kids and our (unsociable) dog out when dogs come round to meet her or get dropped off. My wife is proud to contribute even a little bit financially, and this is definitely a good thing and she is trying to pay off her debts. But she’s terrible with money. She says things like, “I’m going to increase our daughter’s attendance at day care and I can pay the extra, rather than getting takeout with the money I’ve saved…” But she hasn’t really saved anything as she is so badly in debt. And the reason for this is that she will get takeout whenever she wants, even if she has no money, she uses credit cards. I’ve always helped her pay them off. I know that this is enabling her behaviour but if I don’t help her then it will affect my credit rating too. The past year has seen huge improvements in our relationship with the support of the wonderful bpd family here. I am hoping that my wife is slowly learning through her experiences of getting into debt etc. It’s very irritating that we’re in the Uk and you can easily get more credit cards, even if you get too much into debt and have to sort an “arrangement” with your debtors where you say you can only afford £1 a month repayment. It just means the interest rates on your new cards are really high, so your McDonalds actually ends up costing £500 when you finally pay it off. So I don’t really know if there’s much I can do about all this. I’ve pretty much accepted that this is just how it’s going to be… Good luck with everything anyway. I’m glad to hear your relationship had mostly improved recently.

[Cat Familiar]

Did your ex husband do better being self employed or on salary for a company? I honestly don’t know what way I should be encouraging him…

After we split up, he sponged off a single mom on welfare. She had a job. He didn’t. I heard he did some part time work now and then.

I have no idea what he is doing now, but apparently he still is not financially responsible. Occasionally I get calls from creditors trying to track him down for unpaid bills.