What is success? Recommendations for therapy

[captain5024]

I’ve been in and out of a relationship with a borderline for 13 months.    I’ve left several times.   I would currently describe myself as a non-pathological Narcissist.

My borderline has agreed to joint/couples therapy (the only way I would return to her).   There is, in my opinion, a Narcissist-Borderline dynamic in our relationship.    I can be beautiful and it can be toxic. 

What is success?   Do you have any recommendations? 

I don’t know if a borderline is right for me in the long term.   I don’t know what type of woman I want long term.   I’ve dated others, but I can’t get into it…

Not sure if my borderline will change, but I can become better and dealing with her.   If in the end things don’t work out, I will still become a better man.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi captain5024;

I'm curious if you've seen this book:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=73976.0

There are some typical BPD-X pairings, where the X can be NPD/NPD-type traits, or codependent/codependent-type traits. Those can be high conflict pairings.

As you work through what kind of person you want to be with, you can see if you see any of your dynamic reflected in the book, see how those couples addressed it, and decide if that kind of relationship is what you want in your future. High-conflict pairings can be "special needs" type relationships, where it takes non-intuitive skills and tools to "make it work", and "making it work" will likely not look quite like a "normal" relationship. Only you can decide if that's something you want.

Success in a BPD-paired relationship may not look like "traditional" success as the emotional needs are so different. It's kind of like what "success" would look like to a paraplegic -- are you walking? Well, no, so that part of your life looks very different from most people, yet are you successful with the hand you've been dealt? That's the real question.

Keep us posted if you check out the book -- if anything resonates with you.

Cheers;

kells76

[captain5024]

Thank you very much for the recommendation and advice. 

I am starting to read the book you recommended.  It is excellent. 

My own narcissism is an important part in my relationship dynamic.    My borderline needs to change, but so do I.   There is still much learning that needs to be done.