My BPD boyfriend has just announced he is done with our relationship

[Femmebot]

Hi there,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 yrs and about 2 years ago figured out he was BPD and then he confirmed he knew that.  He has broken trust over and over in our relationship.  3 weeks ago I found out his ex that he speaks alot about sent him a bday message.  I was upset as he has never told her I exist or block her.  Yet when ,my ex came looking for me 2 years after my break up with him my BF with BPD demanded I block him.  My bf with BPD is a hypocrite.  I asked that he please "hear" my boundaries and either tell his ex I exist and then I guess she can remain a friend or block her.  As it triggers me about all his women he tried to get with while we were together.   I did not give an ultimatum just a request to have him put some boundaries in place so I would not feel threatened.  He has also reached out to her over our 3.5 years together.  Anyways last night when he was drinking he announced we are over ...that my insecurity is the problem.  My heart is so broken...worst part is he is my neighbour 2 doors down on same side of street.  Also a mutual friend of ours vetted him to me for a year before I agreed to date him.  I have asked that he see me today and give me a proper good bye...help I feel so lost...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[guitarguy09]

I am so sorry to hear this! Sounds very tough to go through. Does he usually mean what he says when he's drunk? My w says all sorts of (expletive) when she's drunk and doesn't always mean it.

Speaking of drunk, that's what she is tonight, trying to be as hurtful as possible.

[guitarguy09]

On another note, BPDs are very quick to project their insecurities on you. Boundaries I've found are really hard to set and I've had to rely on mine screwing up enough to figure it out herself. I definitely see why you needed to set them.

[Femmebot]

Guitar guy,
sorry just trying to get back to your reply and proper username but having a hard time navigating this forum ...not tech savvy.  Thank you for your response.  To answer your question does he always mean what he says when drunk?  well he quite often does a 180 and then acts as though he never said hurtful things or that he didn't really mean it as said.  However you know the old saying "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"...so confusing always...and I did meet with him that night and he says he realized that he treated the good bye without the respect it was due for all I have invested in him and my love.  He said I am the most wonderful woman he knows and now he is confused and changig his mind about wanting to break up...told me we are still figuring it out...again a roller coast ride... 

[Femmebot]

guitarguy09
ok found you again...and to your pt about projecting insecurities its so true!  he said during that talk that he sensed me pulling away so he made the move to end it 1st.  As someone who has done ALOT of reading on BPD to navigate him this rang so text book.  As I know the greatest fear he has is abandonment and if I leave first it confirms that he was never of value and confirms his empty vessel feeling.  However if he pulls the plug first then he can "split" and convince himself I was never of value and discard me easily avoiding the abandonment he thought I was going to perpetrate.  I need him to allow me to put boundaries in place as I have my own scars from a DV partner and all his betrayals and need to feel emotionally safe in this relationship.  I just wish he could be empathetic in understanding it from my pt of view

[Good Intentions]

he said during that talk that he sensed me pulling away so he made the move to end it 1st.  As someone who has done ALOT of reading on BPD to navigate him this rang so text book.  As I know the greatest fear he has is abandonment and if I leave first it confirms that he was never of value and confirms his empty vessel feeling.  However if he pulls the plug first then he can "split" and convince himself I was never of value and discard me easily avoiding the abandonment he thought I was going to perpetrate.  I need him to allow me to put boundaries in place as I have my own scars from a DV partner and all his betrayals and need to feel emotionally safe in this relationship.  I just wish he could be empathetic in understanding it from my pt of view

I felt this at my core. You're absolutely correct that him pre-emptively ending the relationship to avoid the possibility that you might abandon him is pretty textbook BPD...even if you haven't been actively expressing any desire to leave the relationship. His emotional experience & insecurity ring louder than your words of affirmation that you love him.

my 27 y/o GF with BPD frequently pushes me away/threatens the relationship when she's afraid or overwhelmed by the idea that I might be thinking about leaving the relationship. I think for a long time she's known that something was plaguing her, but it wasn't until a few months ago that she was officially diagnosed. But even with a diagnosis and at least some level of commitment to wanting to understanding her BPD, that doesn't mean that she's yet capable of seeing how obviously "textbook BPD" her behavior is in various moments.

The intense fear of abandonment drives the ship, and it overrides the efforts that you make to try to help the pwBPD feel loved & cared for & important. So yes - for a pwBPD, the easiest thing to do is exactly what you described - do to the other person what you're afraid they might do to you before they have a chance to, and then you can paint them black after you've discarded them to justify the act. I'm in the process of being discarded right now...it's brutal

[Femmebot]

Dear Good Intentions,
Thanks so much for the validation.  I am sorry that you know this behaviour all too well.  It hurts when I read "I am about to be discarded".  That is how I feel.  I did go and have that talk that night with him to have respectful break up and he had changed his mind.  So 3 more weeks of managing things and then we went to couples counselling...as I convinced him to start that 2 years ago.  The counsellor said I should just trust him and if he is crossing my boundaries then if he wont respect them I have one choice left and that is to leave the relationship.  I had a frank conversation with him when we got back to our respective homes.  He said he feels he is still navigating things.  That night we agreed to a date night and put a "pin in it" so that we could avoid further negative talk.  Quite a few drinks later he thanked me for being wonderful and getting us back in to see our counsellor as had been 6 mths.  Then literally moments later he split again and he said he wanted me to leave and that it was over.  I could not go back home to my kids as they have seen me cry far too many times.  So I stayed and cried and cried begging him to switch back to the man who had just said such nice things.  He became less agitated and I eventually went home.  The next day I told him the night before was horrible and unfair and he had zero recollection of his behaviour or words or cruelty.  This is my world.  I think if I have any self respect at all I have to leave this relationship.  He can be so sweet and loving but the inconsistency in moods and the lack of capacity to meet my needs is apparent.  Perhaps it is cruel to expect him to keep "trying" .  Without alot of hard work on his part and individual counselling in DBT with meds I think we are doomed to keep repeating "Groundhog Day "