Update on my journey

[So many questions]

Hey all, glad the site is back up.

Just want to keep you updated on my journey as following others has really helped me to stay on path.

Quick summary: 18 months together, 4 month separated, recycling/charming lasted till February when I was replaced. A month since I’ve heard from them. NC 22 days but still having trouble not looking.

Every day is different. You make progress and then boom, it’s gone. I’m scared l, cause right now I feel so positive but I’ve been here many times only for it to crash.

Things do get better, not substantially. But time is beginning to do it’s work in some ways. Last week, I think was my lowest point. The pit of the withdrawals. Goodness, it was devastating. I couldn’t shake it even when I was out and about doing things I loved.

But the pain isn’t as immense. I’m more so numb and struggling with cognitive dissonance. It’s still on my mind all the time, and sometimes it spikes my anxiety, but I’m starting to find ways to atleast maintain normalcy.

I’ve thrusted myself into my old friend groups and it’s been nice to slowly start to feel loved again. I’ve went on a couple casual dates and it was amazing to talk to someone and ask about their life and them do the same. It felt refreshing, even if after I thought of my ex.

I have no plans of intimacy as that leads to love bombing. But spending time with other people I’m attracted to, has been nice. I’m a romantic, I enjoy being sweet and holding doors and buying flowers, so small banter and flirting is a great break from it all. I forgot how much I enjoy meeting new people.

My T did a hypnosis practice on me yesterday, and I felt better than I’ve felt in months. I had motivation to keep my mind busy, I’m a professional ruminater. So I’m seeing progress. It might take some years, but eventually, it will just be a distant memory. I look forward to truly forgiving them, and looking back on the good times with appreciation, and the bad with indifference.

That is the positive feelings.


The alternative reality as a addict. I still am consumed by the thought of her. She’s in my dreams every night. I miss my best friend. I miss our deep conversations about life and passion. I miss making her laugh, I always had a way of getting her loud cackle to come out. I miss her mystery, I miss trying to make it work, I miss being there for her when she broke down.

I miss spending an entire week ordering take out and watching bad TV. I miss watching her dance after taking a bite of food with the most satisfied expression. I miss her creativity and brilliant mind. I miss her opinion. I miss watching her cook, and explaining ever step. I miss our connection, I know I was love bombed, I know I was trauma bound, I know I was mirrored, but I also know we went through SO much for 8 months, the moments after, were real.

We both gave each other every reason to walk away, yet neither of us did. We were so close to a break through, I wish I had know about BPD.

But, I don’t miss the uncertainty. I don’t miss the anger. I don’t miss being called really awful things and having my entire life decimated with words - nothing off limits. I don’t miss wondering if she still cheats. I don’t miss the look in her eyes once she had one too many. I don’t miss feeling like an outcast to her entire friend group. I don’t miss being painted as controlling and manipulative, because I literally could not trust her. I don’t miss the lying.. I don’t missing being screamed at for looking at her wrong or saying something wrong. I don’t miss the constant nights crying myself to sleep. I don’t miss the nights she’d disappear till the next morning. I don’t miss being manipulated into someone I wasnt. I don’t miss reacting. I don’t miss having to not react even if I had every reason to. I don’t miss being broke with every weekend. I don’t miss the constant crazy making and lack of accountability.


Dealing with this in your head is absolute insanity. Writing what i missed brought me to tears. Writing what I didn’t, brought me anger then relief.

Their birthday is coming up. I won’t reach out. I have no idea if she ever will again, I’m replaced and don’t exist. But I’ll keep you updated.

[drumdog4M]

Hi So many questions.

I too am glad the site is up again. I missed it a lot, as I had some difficult times during my travels the past 10 days.

It's 4 am here so I'll write more later, but I just wanted to say that you do exist to us.

Your experiences are so much like my own and others'.  Reading your words, helps validate and understand a bit better what I went through and am still going through -- the rumination, the dreams/nightmares, the reminiscing over the little small things, and trauma from the emotional abuse. And for me, everything associated with being replaced so quickly and without any shred of empathy often consumes me.

That being said, I've had moments of feeling like myself is beginning to return. Though it's often fleeting. I thought traveling abroad would help clear my head and give me perspective. Ordinarily it would be, but in my current fragile state I felt more alone and sometimes nearly panicky as I thought of her moving on with my replacement, love bombing him, etc. As I wandered alone and lonely, crying as I watch happy young couples experience love all around me.

At least I can get better and am not mentally ill. Sadly, she cannot escape herself, as hard as she has tried and will try -- whether through alcohol, hyper-sexuality, drugs, cutting herself, or the likely short-lived euphoria of having met her "partner."

I'm sorry for all you endured and still suffer. I derive hope from the moments of progress you experience.

[NotAHero]

 I don’t know if you share the same problem but for me what made me weak was the wrong assumption that she can’t help it.

 But when she tried to gas light he last endeavor I came to the realization, with the help of some friends, that she is very well aware of what she is doing to me.

 If you don’t know what you did is wrong you wouldn’t try to gas light. In my case that was all the proof I needed for narcissistic comorbidity. Her vulnerability and good hearted actions in other areas of her life do not exclude the maliciousness when it comes to our broken relationship. She is very well aware of what she did to me, for that I’m no longer sad for her. I became a lot more matter of fact kind of person. I don’t respond to  react anymore I just assert myself. It helped me see the light in the end of the tunnel that I will move on entirely, in time.