Struggling with the gaslighting - what's real?

[WalkbyFaith]

A few weeks ago, I took the risk of honestly telling my uBPD mom some specific areas of hurt and/or concern, ie, the reasons I have a problem with her. I knew it would be fruitless, but she asked and I felt I needed to make the effort to have the conversation.

Since then, she has been sending me multiple messages, one a week or so, gradually reacting to / refuting everything I said to her.

Most of this time, I've been able to keep my emotions on top of it, recognizing that she has a skewed view of reality, trying to just let her words roll off me and not letting them affect me too much... and preparing to enter NC.

But today I'm struggling. The gaslighting is getting to me. I'm starting to question reality again, wondering if maybe she's right, maybe I am really selfish, maybe my view of her is wrong... She says things like,

"I don't understand how you can come into our home for 3-5 days a year [we have always stayed at least 4 days and up to 8] and make these assumptions and point fingers, without any attempt to understand the truth."
"I don't remember saying [xyz conversation that I referenced]. That's not ever something I would say to him or anyone else. It's not something I would even consider."
"Things that I've said have been sorely misunderstood by you. You suspect evil motives in everything I say."
"I'm so bewildered, there's no way it happened the way you say...I'm not that kind of person."
"You can't accuse me of not caring, because you shut me out."
"You truly believe what you think you've seen. Your disgust for me has clouded your perception. Your past hurt makes you see me as something I'm not."

Those are just a few examples out of the many long messages she has sent over the past weeks. My head just feels so muddled, I don't know what to believe. There are soo many excuses and so much blame-shifting in her messages, too, and things that I KNOW are complete lies (or false interpretation of reality)... but when she keeps throwing out these sad, hurt comments about how I've misjudged her, I really start questioning myself.

On top of that, everyone else in my FOO is on her side. They all think the same thing - that she's right, she's the victim, and I'm wrong and selfish and am just "holding something against her." It's my word against all of theirs. So it's hard not to falter...and question myself under the confusing weight of the gaslighting...if that's indeed what it is.

   How do you keep your resolve? How do you reassure yourself that you're not making it all up? How do you stand up under the pwbpd (and family members) saying they can't believe you're accusing them of such terrible things?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I try to remember : I don't have to justify myself for feeling the way I do about her.

Am I seeing my BPDmother clearly? No
Is my past trauma clouding my present vision of her? Yes
Does this mean I am wrong in feeling how I feel? No
Is my trauma any less real? No
Do I still need time to heal and understand myself, my story, how everything affect me in my everyday life, for my sake and the sake of the family I have built? Yes
Should I justify myself in needing time? No

Those questions help me... I hope they can help you too.

Your truth is the only thing that matters in your own healing. This is a journey, not a competition on who is right or wrong. The only thing that matters in YOUR healing journey, is YOUR truth... Your truth is the truth you need to make peace with.

Not hers, not your family.

Only you.

Maybe someday you will find you were both right, and you were both wrong. For now, your truth is the only one that truly matters, because it is the only one you have power over.

There is not one single truth, make peace with that.

Are you feeling angry? Yes
Why? My mom abused me emotionally all my life and I feel gaslighted.
Feel the anger, validate it.

Are you feeling depressed? Yes
Why? My mom doesn't love me the way I deserved to be loved and it set me up for a life I feel I sometimes didn't choose. I wished I would have had the choice.
Feel the depression, validate it.

what she says, what she feels... It doesn't matter in YOUR recovery.

You are here to discover and understand yourself. And so, you need to listen yourself. Don't gaslight yourself. You need to feel what you feel and validate your story to be able to one day move past it and free yourself.

Hugs

[Methuen]

WbF, I'm wondering if you've ever tried writing it all down.  Documenting it.  Dates, times, places, what came before, the convo.  Point form?

Somehow, when you see it all in black and white in a book, it's harder to refute the facts, get sucked back into her reality, and give up your own.  Gaslighting can have that effect.  Gaslighting is emotional abuse.  If she was a healthy person, she would be using healthy communication skills to "problem solve" and resolve the conflict.  But instead of that...she's projecting back on you.

Also, ask yourself this:  "If her behavior makes you feel bad, icky, frustrated, fearful, diminished, or irrelevant etc., how can she be right?" 

Healthy relationships make us feel good.  Unhealthy relationships make us feel bad.

Keep your healthy relationships, and let go of the toxic ones (or reduce the contact).  You're in a tough phase right now, but IMHO if you can see it through, the effects of the gaslighting will pass once she sees her gaslighting isn't working.  She knows you well.  If she senses her gaslighting is working, it's going to increase in intensity.

Just my thoughts.

[beatricex]

hi WalkbyFaith,
What you are saying reminds me of a saying "sometimes in order to solve a problem, we must make the problem worse."

You said "in preparing to go NC..."  That is really telling.  It is always darkest before dawn.

Thank you for coming here, for being you, and for sharing your story. 
 
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[Goldcrest]

Hi WalkbyFaith, as Methuen suggested starting to journal interactions, memories, feelings was a break through for me. Once I started keeping a record I could refer to it when I started to gaslight myself.

This might make you laugh...before I went no contact I had a couple of episodes of strong anger towards my mother (unknown for me, as I am the 'placid' scapegoat). I reminded her of the time she gave my pet rabbit away. She looked at me with such hate, then defiant shouted..."it wasn't your Rabbit, it was your guineapig!"

My mum was expert in gaslighting. After dad died and I spent many hours with her on her own and in company (but without dad) I got to really see how she manipulates people, the charm, love bombing, the vile smear campaigns. She likes to have two friends kept apart (that are very close to her but don't meet each other) then when friend A upsets her she goes to the friend B to smear. Friend B will get really angry on her behalf. If she makes up with friend A she then denies to friend B that she ever said those bad things about friend A. And back and forth.

My mum can be terrible to you one day and when you turn up the next, still hurting from her behaviour, she will be all happy and sweet and become angry if you challenge her, as if you are the problem.