new in a relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD

[lisalizzy2232]

Hi!

I am new in a r/s 3-4 months with someone with BPD. He is 39 and I'm 40. He has been to therapy about 6 months for treatment and he got better then he stopped and we started dating 6 months after he stopped therapy. He told me from the start he has mild BPD and I had no idea what it was before I met him so I actually thought he was just a very romantic but emotionally intense guy. I am myself a very emotional, empathetic person and most of my friends have commented that I have martyr complex so I did enjoy going out with him a lot. Anyway, I've had a great 3 months relationship with him. And 2 weeks ago we didn't see each other cos I had covid for 2 weeks and things started to get weird. He would text me really late at night to confess his love for me as he got really drunk and the next morning he wouldn't talk about it. I thought fine, maybe it was just a normal drunk text. After this break we met again and he felt like a different person, a lot more distant, no more intense affection and confessions of his affection for me and honestly he seemed cold and very distant. I asked him politely and calmly about it, being very understanding towards his condition and he said he's sorry, he has been told he tend to do that before and he will try to be more present. So I see all the symptoms he has, like the compulsive spending, binge eating, the disassociating, the intensity. However, it seems he always managed to pull back and control himself a bit more, like if I was around and he wanted to compulsively buy something and ask me about it, I would always say no, he don't need that. And that since he met me he has started to eat more healthy foods and less snacking cos I am basically a vegetarian and watch what I eat very carefully. And when I questioned him about disassociating and being "not-present" when we meet, he would then try to correct his behaviour. However, I am still really scared cos I read all these information and testimonials now about BPD and it feels like most people adviced not to have relationships with pwBPD. I am not sure if I will be able or have the mental strength to handle this and I have brought it up with him once now and he actually said "don't leave me" I really like him and feel bad for his situation but I am scared to be hurt as well because I am often inclined to give too much to my partners in the past and dated mentally unstable men before. What worries me a lot is his text frequencies now, they have been much been less than before and sometimes I feel like they are very incoherent declarations of affection which has no relevance to our conversation. I reply with something hopeful and asks about his day but I get no answers just messages like "You are a positive influence on me, I like what you bring to my life". While a week ago he told me he thinks he is the positive influence on me and asks me if he is probably the best I've had in my life?  I've also started to get paranoid that he would cheat on me, I feel like there are things he hides from me while he likes to look at my phone a lot. Am I worrying too much here or what should I do? I am 40 now who came from a divorce, got depressed after and now that I feel very much healthy and ready for a new relationship again. I don't really want to spend my life "fixing" someone but I am attracted to him and have feelings for him already. Will this get better or does he seem like a case that will or might go worse?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[judee]

Hi Lisalizzy,

Good that you found this place! It is a safe place to vent, process... and get reflection.
What I get from your story is that you seem to be a highly sensitive person that is falling in love with somebody with BPD.
Look closely at that sentence.. there are three ingredients in there that make it VERY logical for you to feel insecure, fearful and hesitant to enter this relationship.
Falling in love in itself usually is destabilising. Highly sensitive can be, BPD ( mild or not) definitely is.
I can say congratulations, your self-protection skills are in tact. 
It doesn't seem to me there are a lot of red flags (yet) but it totally makes sense that you feel this way.. you do feel something is 'off' and personally ( my ex also said he had a mild case of BPD) I believe it is very very hard to stay sane in these relationships. My protective side wants to tell you please please run before you get these nasty attachments hormones and it becomes really hard to leave..but I realise it is very hard to know something you haven't experienced yet.
Have you tried talking to him about his BPD? You can ask him in what way BPD affects him, in the same way someone would talk about a chronic physical condition. Maybe that eases some of your fear.
Either way, stay close to yourself, trust yourself .. keep us posted.





 

[lisalizzy2232]

Hi,

it's been a while since my last anxiety attack, yesterday I was really upset after a conversation with him again, we were all having a great time the last weeks but he was upset at me over something I did, I told him he has the right to be upset and I'm sorry, I won't do it again but later he pulled something on me that made me feel really vulnerable and used so I decided to stop talking to him for a while, I then cried for the whole night. I feel l'm losing hope that this relationship will work out, and I am looking for someone stable and secure, how can I date someone with BPD at this stage of my life when I just want peace? I feel like sometimes the more we hang out together, the more he is going to get mad at me just for being me because I am not perfect, I make mistakes and sometimes I am not always respectful, he is not the centre of my life, etc. He checks my messages I sent to my friends and I feel like they should be private but I let him read them anyway, I told him that I didn't like the way he changes his mind about things really quickly but he does it anyway. So I am really confused what is right or wrong here and I really want to take a break from him for a while, I just don't want him to feel scared or abandoned, it's such a difficult position to be in. What should I write him to make him feel that I just want to be alone, I don't know for how long and I don't know how I feel about him anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

He got upset at you about something you did, he did something that made you feel vulnerable and used, you fear he will get mad at you because you’re not perfect and make mistakes and am not always respectful and he is not the center of your life, he violates your privacy by looking at messages you send to friends, he changes his mind about things very quickly.

Looking over this list, how would you evaluate the health of your relationship? For guidelines, take a look at this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

You worry about him feeling scared or abandoned. Do you think he is giving your feelings the same consideration?