BPD Girlfriend of 3.5 years is consistently having more "problems" with me

[idkwhattodo]

(Note: This is my first post and my SO doesn't know I am doing this AND this post is gonna be all over the place). I have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now and I love her more than anything but it just keeps getting harder and harder to put my life aside and accept that I'm the source of her problems. I know I'm not the issue, as broad as that sounds its the best way to describe how I feel. Every single time we are going to do something that I may be able to enjoy and even if she enjoys it as well something has to go wrong and its always my fault. She has been saying for at least the past year that I treat her like sh*t. So like any person in love would do, I made the changes that are humanly possible to try and please her. it started with me not doing enough around the house which took me by surprise because at that time I thought we were doing about the same amount of work. Now its more like I do everything for her other than wipe for her because I know if I don't do these things a one-way screaming argument will arise from nothing. It's not even the doing all the chores that bothers me, its the fact that every time she's having an "attack" I'm the root of all the problems. She says I don't give her enough attention even though the friends I used to see 5 times a week, now I see them maybe 2-3 times a month because every time I leave I'm putting her at risk of having an attack with no one to "help" her. I find myself apologizing for things that I will never see a problem with and I just don't know where to go from here. she's seeking professional help but it seems when she is with her doctor there is no way for her to say what's actually happening because she's only going to say the things that she thinks is happening therefore making me the problem yet she threatens to break up with me and I know that I would be okay if that were to happen but I don't see a world where she would be okay without me and honestly she sometimes tells me she feels the same about that. I just pray to God everyday that one day she will wakeup and just look at me with a smile and we can enjoy a couple days without her threatening to end our time together unless I change more. (if I could change more than I have already I think I would do it to save us but I don't know what else to change).

Thank you for your responses, I guess what I'm seeking is just anything to make me feel better about our future together.

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[thankful person]

Hi there idk,
Welcome to the forum. There is so much to learn here. I don’t know if your gf has a diagnosis of bpd, but the advice generally is not to discuss it with her.. Or to suddenly expect her to change and become a reasonable person. There really is no point, as she won’t understand as she thinks you’re the problem and no one will convince her otherwise. As well as the “tools” on this page, I highly recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”, I got it on audiobook. Again, it may seem a betrayal but she cannot and will not understand why you would need to read a book to help her and the relationship. You may be surprised, but you actually need to do the opposite of bending over backwards, trying to please her. Firstly, you need to work on building up your own self-confidence and self care skills. As a guideline, I used the thought, “act like a normal person would”. Speak encouragingly to yourself. You are not responsible for your gf’s emotions, or for her happiness. If your gf has bpd, then this is an emotional disability. The more you “agree” with her assessment that you are not a fair and equal partner in the relationship, the more she will believe this, and push for even more ridiculous ends, in my case I stopped seeing other friends socially entirely and she still wasn’t happy. It is hard, but my advice is to think about what you want to do, such as seeing friends, think about what you think is a reasonable amount of housework for you to put in. You can only change your own behaviour. But you can change your relationship by changing your own behaviour. Read up on validating her emotions. Don’t ever tell her she shouldn’t feel a certain way, like feeling abandoned by you when you go out with others. But explain that you enjoy seeing friends and either invite her or reassure her that you guys will have some special time together another day. If she has an “attack”, did you mean like an emotional meltdown type response? If she is safe (any history of self harm?) then it is beneficial for her to learn to handle her emotions on her own. If you believe she is not safe, then she needs immediate professional help which you cannot provide. It is good if she is in therapy. She will be learning how to deal with her emotions, I’m sure the therapist will understand that clients always report a one-sided account of their relationship, although not all therapists are experts in bpd. But anything she tells you the therapist says about you, take it with a pinch of salt. Even if she believes the therapist agrees with her, it is probably just her perception. As for housework, it seems many of us partners on here end up doing an unfair amount, but the point is to stop apologising for your own reasonable behaviour in response to her ridiculous demands. Hold onto your sanity. In my own case, since I made such changes, my wife has actually become a more sane and reasonable person, though it did get worse before it got better (when she realised I was serious). But it has been totally worth it. I’m still learning every day. But my advice is to learn and post on here as much as you can. I wish you all the best.

[Dancingbear]

Agree with all the above and definitely recommend that book. I will add that apologising for things you don't think you should not only enabled her behaviour to continue but has a really pervasive detrimental effect on your own mental well-being and self esteem too. Learning to validate their emotions without validating their unfair statements and wonky reasoning is a tricky thing to learn at first but is so vital for both of you. Likewise giving up things that you need love or enjoy to keep her "happy" doesn't work and will leave you unhappy and resentful.

Good luck x