thankful person
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2022, 11:07:57 PM » |
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Hi there idk, Welcome to the forum. There is so much to learn here. I don’t know if your gf has a diagnosis of bpd, but the advice generally is not to discuss it with her.. Or to suddenly expect her to change and become a reasonable person. There really is no point, as she won’t understand as she thinks you’re the problem and no one will convince her otherwise. As well as the “tools” on this page, I highly recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”, I got it on audiobook. Again, it may seem a betrayal but she cannot and will not understand why you would need to read a book to help her and the relationship. You may be surprised, but you actually need to do the opposite of bending over backwards, trying to please her. Firstly, you need to work on building up your own self-confidence and self care skills. As a guideline, I used the thought, “act like a normal person would”. Speak encouragingly to yourself. You are not responsible for your gf’s emotions, or for her happiness. If your gf has bpd, then this is an emotional disability. The more you “agree” with her assessment that you are not a fair and equal partner in the relationship, the more she will believe this, and push for even more ridiculous ends, in my case I stopped seeing other friends socially entirely and she still wasn’t happy. It is hard, but my advice is to think about what you want to do, such as seeing friends, think about what you think is a reasonable amount of housework for you to put in. You can only change your own behaviour. But you can change your relationship by changing your own behaviour. Read up on validating her emotions. Don’t ever tell her she shouldn’t feel a certain way, like feeling abandoned by you when you go out with others. But explain that you enjoy seeing friends and either invite her or reassure her that you guys will have some special time together another day. If she has an “attack”, did you mean like an emotional meltdown type response? If she is safe (any history of self harm?) then it is beneficial for her to learn to handle her emotions on her own. If you believe she is not safe, then she needs immediate professional help which you cannot provide. It is good if she is in therapy. She will be learning how to deal with her emotions, I’m sure the therapist will understand that clients always report a one-sided account of their relationship, although not all therapists are experts in bpd. But anything she tells you the therapist says about you, take it with a pinch of salt. Even if she believes the therapist agrees with her, it is probably just her perception. As for housework, it seems many of us partners on here end up doing an unfair amount, but the point is to stop apologising for your own reasonable behaviour in response to her ridiculous demands. Hold onto your sanity. In my own case, since I made such changes, my wife has actually become a more sane and reasonable person, though it did get worse before it got better (when she realised I was serious). But it has been totally worth it. I’m still learning every day. But my advice is to learn and post on here as much as you can. I wish you all the best.
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