We’re divorcing and for some reason I don’t want to. What do I do.

[Spam591]

She has cheated on me probably a dozen times over the last three years. Each time I say I’m done and then I come back. So the one time I do it when I stopped speaking to her for almost a full two months and was sure I was going to walk away was so much more valid in her eyes. Such much more painful. And the countless times I’ve given grace to her mean nothing.

I have a really solid therapist. She’s been encouraging me to leave (without saying so) for a year now. Last week expressed how this is the best I’ve ever been doing. Although I feel like
It’s the worst. She and I made a dating plan and outlined everything I’m wanting/expect from a future partner and she’s encouraged me to go on 10 dates a month. No sleeping with them. And limit the frequency of seeing just one. Not sure how I feel about this. You’re right, I need to do some deep searching of why I abandoned myself.

I changed my bank accounts which caused a whole windfall of issues and I couldn’t pay all of our employees due to a hold on the account. This is just 1 of so many instances where she has created so much havoc. 

I really think she is done. Her Instagram is now full of stories of her with one guy. I’m positive she was triangulating this entire time and a big reason why she would never let me back in to work on things. I feel less panicked and do not feel the need to call when I see stuff like that which feels wonderful. I am in a way excited to find what I am wanting out of life and eventually finding a longterm marriage with someone who is neurotypical.

.

I’m sorry, Spam.

I’ve been following your threads since you first came here and the two of you seem to have been battling it out since the beginning.  Nothing changes until something changes.

Yes, it’s very very sad and depressing.  Yes, I’m sure you see that you’ve given up things, friends in your life to appease her.  But you’ve got to know that during times of separation, if you date and sleep with another woman, that likely WILL haunt your partner forever.  Whether or not she’s done the same to you.  All she sees is that you’ve done it TO HER.  That’s all she sees.  So your impulsive behaviors, your “self-soothing” methods deserve to be addressed.  You deserve your attention.  Does that sound reasonable?

In a way, I can almost understand the fact that you did that.  Wanting some calm... But there has been so much more destructive behavior in your relationship/ marriage from your W’s Disorder.  And it doesn’t seem any resolution of any type.  From either side.  The violence continued without responsibility or resolution.  Her illness is taking you down.  You need to stop this, for you.  I am so sorry.

Whether your marriage is officially over at this point... well, who knows?  She may come back when she needs something - a place to land, MONEY.  She seems to do that.  But it doesn’t last.

And unless that’s the role you want to play, it may be high time to move into serious therapy and learn WHY this has been good enough for you.  To erect some serious boundaries. 

Hoping she has NO ACCESS to your business funds.

It’s time to really take care of yourself.  And remember, just because she’s hurting you, does NOT mean you’ve got to hurt her MORE.  You don’t need to seek the comfort of a woman.  Not right now.  I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you’re not ready for that.

Please stay here Spam.  Even if she calls tonight full of “love” and words.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Spam591]

Thank you for this. You’re right. I’ve given her so many resources over the last few years. Last year I paid $90k in therapy for her. Dbt. Group. Individual. Psychiatrist appts every month. I gave her an endless supply of money to an extent. I gave her a stable home for the first time in her life. The only time I experienced her coping healthily was when she was on lamictal and in DBT. She looked me in the eyes and told me she felt the best she ever had and would never use cannabis again. I smiled so big inside. And the next three months we didn’t have a single fight. Not one. It was incredible. I haven’t seen that version of my wife for more than a half dozen evenings over the last year. I feel like a lot of grieving has already been done.

Thank you for the links. I’m going to start jumping into them further this week.

I fly back to LA this week. We still coexist in the same place. I’m really nervous this will impact me moving on and I really don’t have any other options due to money situation at the moment.

We members here, collectively, have had countless new members arrive facing the dilemma you have been living.  Although people with BPD (pwBPD) experience huge abandonment issues, their behaviors generally force us into scenarios where we have no choice but to end the relationship, or 'abandon' them.  It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Years ago I read a paperback, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!"  That anonymous author did stick with meaningful therapy and recovered.  But the title highlights the extremes of perception and behaviors that pwBPD have.

Personality disorders occur when a person has mental illness to a greater or lesser extent.  Typically it is not sufficient for a person to be committed, so society has to live with them, generally as they are.  So do we.  So do you.

To a large extent, the members responding here have had a consistent message... You cannot fix her.  She's an adult, you cannot live her life for her.  If she does not want you in her life, that is her decision, for better or for worse.  It is time to Accept this reality.

Review the concept of the 5 stages of grieving a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  There are many posts you can search here and articles on the internet.  Now is probably a good time to ponder Radical Acceptance.  Are you ready for the next step? ... for Acceptance - the final stage of grieving.

[once removed]

Last week expressed how this is the best I’ve ever been doing. Although I feel like
It’s the worst. She and I made a dating plan and outlined everything I’m wanting/expect from a future partner and she’s encouraged me to go on 10 dates a month. No sleeping with them. And limit the frequency of seeing just one. Not sure how I feel about this. You’re right, I need to do some deep searching of why I abandoned myself.

Spam, all of us found ourselves in a relationship that moved rapidly, and we didnt know what hit us. and then it ended as dramatically as it began.

theres a crossroads in front of you. i would suggest that you take the time to grieve this relationship, and learn the lessons that it can teach you. many of them will not be apparent for a long time. i still learn valuable lessons from my relationship and it ended ten years ago.

for a lot of us, myself included, that did not take the time to learn those lessons, patterns repeat.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Spam-

Did I misinterpret something?  You’re in the midst of a very emotional exit, yet still cohabiting with a very Disordered W with violent behaviors... you’ve acknowledged there are issues you wish to address within YOURSELF... we ALL have them.  These relationships DEEPLY affect us...

Yet your therapist is encouraging you to go on 10 DATES a MONTH?  NOW?

Can someone please explain how this will help Spam heal and find his way back to HIMSELF?  What am I NOT getting?

I’m not trying to make a joke... is this a dating coach?  Does this T understand the first thing about the situation in which you’re living?  What you have truly been through? 

Your way “out” is NOT through the attention of another person.  That’s kind of “borderline” behavior.

Warmly,
Gems

[ForeverDad]

Spam, you've just been reminded by a couple members, gems made that clear, that no one here has recommended you start dating at this time.  That's because we realize you need time to breathe and recover your life's balance.

A "rebound relationship" typically fails.  How do you know it's a rebound relationship?  One way is when you find the conversation drifting to all the woes of the just-ended relationship with your ex.  (Yes, that will happen to you.  Maybe that's one way to know you've left the past in the past, when you leave it behind and start living in today.)

Recovery is a process, not an event.

Gift yourself time to grieve the loss, the chaos and emotions.  How much time?  There's no set timetable.  Comment has been made here that it could be as much as half the length of your failed relationship.  Others have stated they met their better other half when they weren't even looking.  Still others said they reconnected with friends they'd known from years ago.  The point is...

Gift yourself the time to exit and recover.  The future is wide open before you.  Relax, learn, live, yet also pace yourself.  You won't regret it.

Edit:  I wonder if that therapist/coach is, in a left-handed sort of way, saying you need to distract yourself with other people and other activities, and why there was not to be couples intimacy.  What would we here in peer support have instead recommended?  Hmm... others will chime in with their thoughts but group gatherings would be good.  So would getting more exercise, hiking, going outside to relax and enjoy nature.  Please leave one-on-one activities for later when you're further along on your way to recovery from this emotion-laden train wreck.

[Spam591]

I’m taking time to myself. I’ve been working through why I feel the need to date. What my intentions are behind it. I’ve been reflecting on why I allowed this in my life for so long and how to not allow it in my life ever again.

 I’ve been looking at her social media here and there. She seems unfazed. She sent me a text yesterday that I won’t respond to stating “either put money into the bank account or hurry up and file papers”. I know this is to just grab my attention and it’s clear she has been seeing other people for money. She reverts back to being a sugar baby whenever we break up. It’s funny she thinks she’s going to get this huge settlement or something from me. Really interesting how she thinks.

I’m feeling free. I feel like this huge weight has been removed from my shoulders. I feel like I can now work on the stuff inside myself that she was distracting me from.

Spam, you've just been reminded by a couple members, gems made that clear, that no one here has recommended you start dating at this time.  That's because we realize you need time to breathe and recover your life's balance.

A "rebound relationship" typically fails.  How do you know it's a rebound relationship?  One way is when you find the conversation drifting to all the woes of the just-ended relationship with your ex.  (Yes, that will happen to you.  Maybe that's one way to know you've left the past in the past, when you leave it behind and start living in today.)

Recovery is a process, not an event.

Gift yourself time to grieve the loss, the chaos and emotions.  How much time?  There's no set timetable.  Comment has been made here that it could be as much as half the length of your failed relationship.  Others have stated they met their better other half when they weren't even looking.  Still others said they reconnected with friends they'd known from years ago.  The point is...

Gift yourself the time to exit and recover.  The future is wide open before you.  Relax, learn, live, yet also pace yourself.  You won't regret it.

Edit:  I wonder if that therapist/coach is, in a left-handed sort of way, saying you need to distract yourself with other people and other activities, and why there was not to be couples intimacy.  What would we here in peer support have instead recommended?  Hmm... others will chime in with their thoughts but group gatherings would be good.  So would getting more exercise, hiking, going outside to relax and enjoy nature.  Please leave one-on-one activities for later when you're further along on your way to recovery from this emotion-laden train wreck.

[Spam591]

In the past I have always used sugar dating sites and had unlimited income for a while. Lol. So my Therpist is trying to get me to see that Women like me for more than just money. Which is and has been a really hard concept for me to grasp. Especially in Los Angeles. We are also working on recognizing my intentions behind my actions. Am I interested in dating because I’m trying to escape? Am I interested in dating because I’m trying to feel better? Am I interested in dating because of sexual stuff? She’s trying to teach me to be self aware and grow with a subject she knows has my full attention. Lol.

My parents have been married for over forty years. It’s a really beautiful thing to have witnessed. That’s what I want for myself.

I do agree that I need to heal from the last three years. I can feel things inside of me becoming clearer and have been starting to work through this stuff.

Hey Spam-

Did I misinterpret something?  You’re in the midst of a very emotional exit, yet still cohabiting with a very Disordered W with violent behaviors... you’ve acknowledged there are issues you wish to address within YOURSELF... we ALL have them.  These relationships DEEPLY affect us...

Yet your therapist is encouraging you to go on 10 DATES a MONTH?  NOW?

Can someone please explain how this will help Spam heal and find his way back to HIMSELF?  What am I NOT getting?

I’m not trying to make a joke... is this a dating coach?  Does this T understand the first thing about the situation in which you’re living?  What you have truly been through? 

Your way “out” is NOT through the attention of another person.  That’s kind of “borderline” behavior.

Warmly,
Gems

[once removed]

dating again is a very personal and unique thing, as to when, and how.

i tend to take a while. it was a solid year after my breakup (relationship was a little under three years) before i entertained it. i cant say i made wise decisions in the directions i went, so timing alone is not necessarily the key factor. it probably would have benefited me to focus more on some of the things ForeverDad suggested.

for others, it can be part of the process of "getting back to normal", part of living the independent life.

and for some, thats not necessarily the wisest strategy!

regardless, getting really straight on why you are dating and what youre looking for, and how to navigate the dating world in 2021 is about 90% of it. if dating is what you are choosing to do, id encourage you to explore it more deeply on the Detaching/Learning board. get a sense for what you are after, specifically (some of which, admittedly, comes from the experience of dating). get a sense for what other people are after, and compare the two. get a sense for what to expect, whats realistic, unrealistic. get a sense for how to approach dating when you are grieving, whether you want to get serious, or keep things light. but do the post mortem of your relationship. learn the lessons. learn what went wrong, where, when, how, and what you want to do very differently.

[Spam591]

So we have been separated for over four weeks now. I filed papers last week. I feel so incredibly happy and free to not have to be going through weekly trauma. She hasn't reached out in any manner and it looks like she already has some new financial support/boyfriend. I got my own place and am living on my own. Thank you all for your contained support over the last three years. I honestly don't know where I would be without this board and the members here. I am going through a bunch of trauma therapy now and am working through things. Def. a long road of recovery ahead but Im feeling stronger and back to myself most of the time now.

dating again is a very personal and unique thing, as to when, and how.

i tend to take a while. it was a solid year after my breakup (relationship was a little under three years) before i entertained it. i cant say i made wise decisions in the directions i went, so timing alone is not necessarily the key factor. it probably would have benefited me to focus more on some of the things ForeverDad suggested.

for others, it can be part of the process of "getting back to normal", part of living the independent life.

and for some, thats not necessarily the wisest strategy!

regardless, getting really straight on why you are dating and what youre looking for, and how to navigate the dating world in 2021 is about 90% of it. if dating is what you are choosing to do, id encourage you to explore it more deeply on the Detaching/Learning board. get a sense for what you are after, specifically (some of which, admittedly, comes from the experience of dating). get a sense for what other people are after, and compare the two. get a sense for what to expect, whats realistic, unrealistic. get a sense for how to approach dating when you are grieving, whether you want to get serious, or keep things light. but do the post mortem of your relationship. learn the lessons. learn what went wrong, where, when, how, and what you want to do very differently.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Spam-

I’m so heartened to learn this!  I sincerely hope you stay with this difficult journey... for you, it matters.  You matter.  Please understand that.

And soon, I hope you’ll arrive at the day where it won’t matter to you what she’s doing at all.  That’s when you’ll know you’re beginning to detach.  Please work toward that.

I’m thinking  it feels good to feel like yourself.  What DOES that feel like to you?  Can you describe how that’s different from what you’ve felt the last three years?

Please stay with us.  And when you’re ready, please consider posting on the Detaching Board.

Warmly,
Gems

[Spam591]

I have been away from her for almost 1.5yrs and I just wanted to thank everyone on this board for being there for me. I took a solid year to myself and grew so much over the last year. I came to realize my codependency was trying to help her when she didn’t need help and it was bringing me down in every aspect of life to the point where I was going to either die or go to jail. Life is to short to be dealing with individuals with this disorder that do not want to get help. I am now dating someone and it’s an incredibly healing experience. She listens and we never fight. We communicate through everything and I could never imagine either of us calling each other a name.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so glad you’ve found an emotionally healthy partner.