Race and Splitting

[everestfox]

I am currently living with my partner who I am fairly certain is a highly functioning person with BPD.  We are an interracial couple--I am white and she is black.  We have been together for 4 years and have been engaged for 2.5.  During that time, we have had some very difficult fights  and some of them resulted from conversations about race.  I learned things about black culture and history as a result of these conversations, educated myself about issues that I was not previously aware of, and have made a continued effort to learn more and be mindful of the black experience here (U.S.).  I didn't realize that she probably has BPD until about 5 months ago when my therapist offered that her behavior sounds like someone who has it or at least strong traits and that I should look into it.  After reading numerous sources, I felt like the experiences described by family and friends of those with BPD was exactly what I had been going through for 3.5 years and didn't know it.  She would split me every time one of these conversations about race came up and I said something wrong.  I understand that there is truth in her hurt and as a person of color in this country, I can only imagine the experiences one endures and how something triggering said by a partner would feel terrible.  But her reactions escalate and she has become physically violent with me several times.  The last time it happened, I thought we had a break through and she recognized that something was wrong and she shouldn't hit people or react in the way she was reacting.  Things had been going really well for a few months.  Things that were on the verge of causing an episode (disagreeing about what to plant in the garden, not bringing our dog's food out right away, etc.) were talked about and gotten over and we would do grateful lists every night.  Our latest fight was because my brother needed information to upgrade something on our family phone plan of which I am the account holder.  He was asking for my social and I was telling him they shouldn't nee that.  My partner heard my conversation and urgently told me not to give it to him--note:  my brother has BPD and has stolen my mom's credit cards before, so she had reason to worry.  I signaled her I got it, but continued talking to him.  It escalated for her and she took my phone out of my hands and told him that he steals things and that I would not give him my information.  Then she commanded me to call my mom, and as I was, then she started calling my mom to tell her not to give my brother the information.  This stressed me out because we had already had a really stressful holiday season with my family and it did not go well.  Then because I was upset she did that, she said that I never choose her.  I always choose my family and they are PLEASE READed up.  I was so stressed in this moment I didn't realize what was happening and she was starting to split me again.  I know that when we have an episode and she splits me, she has an ongoing narrative that I'm a racist and don't care about her or understand her and that I am "toxic because I talk to my parents who are evil".  She has thrown her engagement ring at me (again) and told me she is done with me.  I just don't know what to do and now we are in our place together and she is just ignoring me.  It's been five days since the fight.  I guess I just needed to know if anyone can offer some support or advice who maybe has experienced this with a partner who is of a different race.  I feel like it amplifies so much and I don't know how to handle it.  I purchased stop walking on eggshells, which I should receive tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi everestfox:

She has an ongoing narrative that I'm a racist and don't care about her or understand her and that I am "toxic because I talk to my parents who are evil".

That sounds very unpleasant?  Why does she say your parents are evil?

I suspect that you might get caught up in JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending & Explaining), when this happens.  Best to set a boundary & refuse to argue with something like:  "I can see you are upset.  I'm not a racist & I refuse to have this conversation again"

Her reactions escalate and she has become physically violent with me several times.

Has she caused you bodily harm?  Have you discussed this with your therapist?

 I didn't realize that she probably has BPD until about 5 months ago when my therapist offered that her behavior sounds like someone who has it or at least strong traits and that I should look into it.        

Has your therapist offered an opinion about marrying your fiance?  Reality is that the only person you have control over is yourself.  You can only control yourself, how you react & how you interact. You have to accept her for who she is.  She may change (or periodically improve) to some extent (if she can admit that she is at least a part of the problem).

So, she thinks your parents are evil.  She thinks you are a racist & she gets violent with you.  Why do you want to marry her?  You have to go into this accepting that you don't have the power to change her & that she won't likely change (at least for the long run).

I don't know how old you both are.  If she gets violent & thinks you are a racist, how will that affect family dynamics if you have children?

[everestfox]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.  I know it was a long time ago but rereading it now has helped me a little.  Knowing JADEing exists I useful. 

We are both 34 and have a long history—we dated in high school. But your questions are good ones.  I know I can’t change her and if she doesn’t want to recognize her contributions to the issues we have and get help, I can’t do anything to  better our relationship.  Thank you for your insight.

[Notwendy]

IMHO, if it weren't race, there'd be another reason. While it's important to be empathetic to the experiences she has had with racial discrimination, your visible difference becomes an unchangeable reason for her to project whatever discomfort she may be feeling on to you, whether the reasons are racial or not.

No two people are alike and so bring differences into a relationship. IMHO, the key to a workable one depends on their abilities to communicate and resolve differences rather than the actual differences themselves. Certainly, there are many happy interracial relationships and many miserable ones where people share the same background. The difference between stable and unstable ones is in the relationship, not their individual differences.

The point being - the problem is the relationship issues. Racial difference is not something that can't be worked out between two emotionally mature people, but it's an issue here because of dysfunction in the relationship where differences and conflict are not worked out in an emotionally healthy and mutually respectful manner.

It seems there are two situations. One is your different races. That can not be changed. The other is a personality disorder. MHO, the latter is the reason for the relationship dysfunction, but race becomes the focus. 

 

[formflier]

How often has she physically struck you?  Can you give us more details?

What consequences did she experience as a result?

Best,

FF