Trauma tips

[HappyChappy]

This forum has been an immense help to me over the years and even though I know the theory and can easily advise other on here - I still seem to find it hard to apply myself. I understand this is because I have CPTSD which makes me easy to manipulate. But recently I've really struggled to stop getting pulled into my BPD mothers manipulation using drama triangles. I know the theory, I need to be self aware, assert boundaries etc... but any practical tips to stop me ruminating about no win situations she puts me in, other than just walking away. She called up the other day burst into tears, so I conceded and by the end of the phone conversation she was aggressively humiliating me and I was badly triggered. Every time I think I've made progress with my CPTSD - she tears it down by humiliating me. I am recovering from triggers much faster, but I get stuck in rumination and panic attacks for longer. Her current control mechanism is to offer my kids money and then take it away and blame it on me - except done in a very clever way. I've not been well enought to work for over 2 years, so my BPD thinks I've got financial problems (I don't - but she's starting to make me think I might).

Any tips to stop me ruminating about this all ? Thanks. Oh by the way Turkish good to see you're still helping out with your wise words - but you're not a wolf, and you're not Turkish, how many times have we been through this ?  

[Goldcrest]

Hi HappyChappy, I just wanted to acknowledge how you are feeling and that I get it. It's horrible. I felt for a long time my suffering from my mother was a kind of prison for me. I can remember many times where I wept and would ask my husband, why is this happening to me? I felt quite persecuted.

I don't have any helpful suggestions because in the end I was so tormented by her, and like you I was ruminating constantly about how to defend myself. Rumination about potential arguments with flying monkeys. I am now no contact.

I did find this youtube video from Dr Ramani, about rumination and how to tackle it, helpful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3KyEGJpC-I

I also found watching videos almost daily and coming on here, helped to alleviate some of my pain. I wish you peace HappyChappy.

[Riv3rW0lf]

HappyChappy,

While no contact might not be an option for you, have you considered lowering contact to a bare minimum? In deep cPTSD cases, healing from trauma can be impossible as long as the survivor (or warrior!) remains in contact with his/her abuser.

I am not no contact, but I did request a pause and I was very opened about the reasons why to my BPDmother : that I needed to heal from trauma. For a while she kept pushing, and it ended with an open conversation between my brothers, her and me. I am aware she tried to gain support from them, to no avail, and I have left her with no choice but to let me my space. She is "ignored" on messenger, so that I decide myself when I look at the conversation: it doesn't pop up to disturb my well-being, I only look when I feel grounded... And even then , it triggers me: which is why lowering contact might be needed for you too to properly heal.

You mentioned she is trying to triangulate your kids against you using money, how are your kids responding to that maneuver? Are they aware of what she is doing?

You mentioned you are not currently working because you are not well enough, are these health issues that keeps you from moving? I find the best way to help me stops ruminating are:
Yoga, high cardio exercises (jumping rope, HIIT), a long walk outside

Yoga takes longer, and I don't always have the time for it... I find cardio has a way to force me back down into my body too : being out of breath forces you to focus on it and the mind stops, the breath is the only thing you hear at some point. Yoga does the same thing, and is gentler on the body. Fiveparkyoga, on YouTube, offers a Yoga for Trauma video that last about 25minutes with lots of cues to help you relax and breath... It helps a lot to stop the rumination. They have another to invite compassion (for you maybe? That's what I use it for).

For me, this is truly the only thing that has worked : sport and lowering contact. I've been doing much better this past month because of a tight routine I made for myself which includes : writing (here or in my journal) and moving my body at least 15 minutes per day.

Also, for the triangulation dynamics... I recently realized I was participating, simply because I was defending myself... Defending myself made me persecutor to her, so she could be victim. Always. She would talk to me, blame, and I would defend myself, sometimes just by stating my values, and boom, persecutor again. I wasn't blaming, nor attacking, but talking back and justifying just does not work for them. I felt stuck. I needed a break from her, but couldn't find HOW. My therapist had me used her words against her, and it worked great.

She would accuse me of being ungrateful, I would say: yes I am, I can see I hurt you, let's take some time apart for a while, to reflect on my behavior.

Just a different spin... Instead of arguing, or defending myself. I would use her blame against her, to get what I wanted for myself... It helped. Slipped the rug from under her feet. She didn't know how to react : I wasn't a victim (no blame placed in her), I wasn't a persecutor (not defending) and I wasn't a savior. This is natural consequences to her own actions : you say I am ungrateful? Then why do you want a relationship with me? You say I hurt you? Ok, I will leave you alone. (But don't ever say sorry if you decide to try it... Only apologize when you truly did something wrong.)

Big hug

[zachira]

One of the best pieces of advice my therapist ever gave me was to focus on how I was feeling inside when in the presence of people who mistreated/abused me. Emotions are contagious, particularly when we are in the presence of a person who is dumping their uncomfortable negative emotions on another person so they can escape feeling those emotions. It is not true that it is healthy to mirror everyone. We can be sad with a person who is sad, and we have to protect ourselves from emotions like anger that are not healthy to take on from another person. With practice, you will get better at being less affected so intensely and for such long periods of time by the emotions being projected onto you. I too have C-PTSD and there is a steep learning curve for feeling better.

[Methuen]

any practical tips to stop me ruminating about no win situations she puts me in, other than just walking away. She called up the other day burst into tears, so I conceded and by the end of the phone conversation she was aggressively humiliating me and I was badly triggered.

Her tears were the "hook".  You being a good guy and son took the "bait".  Once she had you on her fishing line, she slowly started to reel you in.  Next time, HC, be the "fish that got away".  Unhook yourself early.  As soon as she "starts" the first hint of getting aggressive or humiliating you, (i) in the moment are you able to recognize what is happening?  Or does that come to you after it's over and she's triggered you?  (ii) If you do recognize what is happening in the moment, have you ever said something like, "Mom I am starting to feel uncomfortable with how this conversation is going, and I need to go now.  We can talk again when we are both feeling better.  Good bye." and HANG UP the phone before she even has a chance to reply.  No pauses in convo.  No hesitation.  I am curious if you have already had the experience of drawing this line in the sand for what is acceptable/unacceptable for how she treats you...

Or, is there a reason why you don't want to, or can't, "walk away", that you are comfortable sharing?

My mother would yell something like "don't you dare hang up on me!" so it's necessary to calmly say goodbye and hang up before she gets that chance.

If you have done this before, how did it go? If you haven't, do you think you have reached the point of being able to try this?  

Forgive me for being blunt, but as long as you hang around you are saying that you are OK with being her doormat.  There are societal and religious expectations out there to "honour thy mother".  We can still be good to our mothers when they are good to us.  It makes no sense to be good to a person who has an established pattern of abusing us, and is in the act of actively abusing again.  The kindest thing we can do for them in that moment is to make it a "teachable moment" by calmly leaving the situation.

The trick is to not engage with her.  The thing I see in the situation you have described, is that you hang around until she has gone full blown BPD in that moment, and she triggers you again.  The reason you do this is probably because you are a good guy, and want to treat your mom well, and maybe even you still have hope that "this time will be different".  

To be perfectly undiplomatic, the reason she keeps doing this to you, is because you keep taking the abuse.

Phone:  "I have to go now mom.  Bye." Hang up.

In Person (at her house): I have to go now mom.  Bye.  Close the door behind you.  

Guarantee she will open it and keep screaming at you.  

The first time I did this to my mom (actually enacted a consequence for her bad behavior), I didn't even stop at the door to put on  my shoes.  I just picked them up, and carried them with me to get out as expeditiously as possible.  She opened the door and was screaming at me, but I got into my car without looking back and drove away.

Imagine HC, the power of the impact of that on a BPD when we "don't engage".  Not engaging includes leaving the situation calmly. Give NO reaction.  NO emotion.  The thing they are most desperate for, is engagement from us.  If we defend, justify, argue or explain ourselves, or get emotional and drawn into the drama, they've got us in their claws and are dangling us around in the air.  But if we don't give them that, they are lost.  That is the most powerful thing we can do.  Hang up.  Walk away.  Leave. Don't delay in doing it.  Don't react emotionally.

As for when you have already been triggered, I use the same strategy as Riv3rW0lf - physical activity such as walking/jogging/running, or yoga.  I have run around the planet a few times perhaps.  It definitely connects my mind and body, and I swear its impossible to ruminate while you are running yourself breathless. All the running uses up the negative energy, and turns it into something positive (cardio fitness and muscular strenth).  If walking/jogging/running isn't an option, another good way to reconnect mind and body is yoga.  If activity isn't possible (you mentioned you were off work due to health problems), chair yoga is a real thing.  

Lastly, my T connected me with an app called HeadSpace.  It's a meditation app.  Here too, there is much about the "breath".  There is something about focussing on the breath that reconnects the mind and body, so that the mind doesn't ruminate.  It works.  There is technique involved.  It's very learnable.

We've all been down the rumination tunnel.  I still ruminate sometimes, but I recognize I'm doing it earlier now, and take action to stop.  The thing about ruminating is that it has become a habit for us, and for anyone who is a smoker or a drinker, or a chocolate eater or a nail biter or whatever habit it is, habits are hard to break.  We have to work at it.  So it's good to try different strategies, and see what works best for you.

Her current control mechanism is to offer my kids money and then take it away and blame it on me - except done in a very clever way.

How old are your kids HC?  Are they children?  Teens?  Adults?

[Notwendy]

I agree with Methuen- to disengage when the conversation begins to be insulting and humiliating is the best thing to do.

Money to kids- yes, my BPD mother does this as well. I don't accept any money from her. The kids will accept it if she sends it, but they don't count on it. Basically, they don't stop her, but it's not something they let influence them ( thankfully). Not accepting or relying on money seems to be a good boundary.

I think it's good to notice you are getting over the emotional response more quickly. I think that's progress.

I was recently speaking to my BPD mother when I could tell she was angry and so I ended the conversation. Her next move when she's become angry is to call back. I didn't answer as I knew that's what was going on. But she rang back several times and I felt panic each time the phone rang. Then the next thing she does if I don't answer is to send texts or leave voice messages. Strangely the texts were about me being angry and that she wanted to talk to "resolve it".

She's the one who is angry! Not me. And the "call me to talk" was bait. But I still felt like a scared little kid but knew to not get into such conversations. It can get better for you.

[livednlearned]

I have CPTSD which makes me easy to manipulate.

Is manipulation by her is easier when it involves your kids?

[HappyChappy]

Is manipulation by her is easier when it involves your kids?

Yes - thanks for the insight, wish I'd read that sooner  . It's now resolved but thanks livednlearned you wise... based on your avatar I'm going with dragon ?

[HappyChappy]

I am curious if you have already had the experience of drawing this line in the sand for what is acceptable/unacceptable for how she treats you...

Forgive me for being blunt...There are societal and religious expectations out there to "honour thy mother".  

Methuen Thank you for your helpful post. There are 3 hooks, I was brought up Catholic (so the shame is always the child's) and my BPD mum would repeat over and over "Honour thy mother" when actually it's “Honour thy father and thy mother." she's convinced my father (the good parent) that he had no idea about patenting because he was a man .  The third hook is that I always see the good in people and didn't realise some can't have empathy, especially a mother. Because we where taught only bad men don't love their mothers.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey HC, 

Good to know you're still across the pond.   

I sure understand what you're going through.  So sorry that it's hard. Something I really struggle with is the feeling of obligation. I feel obligated to listen or to respond or to do something. Mostly it's to listen. I can remember how I'd get in trouble if as a child I tried to walk away from my uBPDm. That has translated into feelings of obligation all over the place. Did you learn that too when you were growing up?

So many helpful words from the other posters for you. 

 
Woolsie

[Methuen]

Glad it was helpful HC.  I had a lot of help from this forum and from my T to figure all that out and put it into practice.  It doesn't come naturally.

The third hook is that I always see the good in people and didn't realise some can't have empathy, especially a mother.

Yep.  That was a sad thing for me to learn too.

Because we where taught only bad men don't love their mothers.

Ah yes - brainwashing.  It's also another distorted thought that only serves their narrative.

[livednlearned]

I feel obligated to listen or to respond or to do something. Mostly it's to listen.

Me too.

Sometimes it's like there's a spell cast. I have a hard time ending conversations even when it's imperative that I do.

Have you had any success managing this sense of obligation to listen?