Guilt Trips

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPD husband is very good at guilt trips.  We’ve had a couple of good months with progress thanks to a good counselor but the past week I can feel that we are going to hit a rough patch.

We actually have two residences two hours apart.  We met online and he has a business in one area and my job is in another community.  We married knowing that we had these dual residences and that it meant traveling to spend time with each other.  From my perspective, it works really well and I go to him on the weekends and he has spend the first part of the week by me so we usually only have a couple of days apart in a week.

He often talks about how he doesn’t like this and how he gets lonely.  When we have longer periods apart he uses passive aggressive statements to make me feel guilty.

Last Sunday I tested positive for COVID (I’m fine) so I left early so I didn’t pass it on to him and we’ve spent the week in separate places.  So far he hasn’t contracted it.  I am not going to him this weekend so I don’t have to worry about making him sick.  We discussed this last night.

This morning the guilt trip started.  Texts about how he’s going to need to take a night job without explanation and when I ask him what he means he texts that he’s tired of being alone all night and he needs to make more money (he actually just needs to focus on the projects he has going on….) and that hopefully he’ll be able to find something without drinking.

He’s been sober 7 months (after I told him he was choosing me or drinking) so this is clearly baiting me for either pity or a fight.  I’m looking for advice in these moments because my instinct is to literally say nothing since regardless of what I do he’ll use it to escalate to a conflict.

[Every day]

My uBPD husband is very good at guilt trips.  We’ve had a couple of good months with progress thanks to a good counselor but the past week I can feel that we are going to hit a rough patch.

We actually have two residences two hours apart.  We met online and he has a business in one area and my job is in another community.  We married knowing that we had these dual residences and that it meant traveling to spend time with each other.  From my perspective, it works really well and I go to him on the weekends and he has spend the first part of the week by me so we usually only have a couple of days apart in a week.

He often talks about how he doesn’t like this and how he gets lonely.  When we have longer periods apart he uses passive aggressive statements to make me feel guilty.

Last Sunday I tested positive for COVID (I’m fine) so I left early so I didn’t pass it on to him and we’ve spent the week in separate places.  So far he hasn’t contracted it.  I am not going to him this weekend so I don’t have to worry about making him sick.  We discussed this last night.

This morning the guilt trip started.  Texts about how he’s going to need to take a night job without explanation and when I ask him what he means he texts that he’s tired of being alone all night and he needs to make more money (he actually just needs to focus on the projects he has going on….) and that hopefully he’ll be able to find something without drinking.

He’s been sober 7 months (after I told him he was choosing me or drinking) so this is clearly baiting me for either pity or a fight.  I’m looking for advice in these moments because my instinct is to literally say nothing since regardless of what I do he’ll use it to escalate to a conflict.

[BigOof]

Try reading or listening to:

- https://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-Playbook-Sociopaths-Psychopaths-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B07NS9YVD8
- https://www.amazon.com/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B077SFQWZ2

There's no right answer - just confusion. Dana's advice is you need to change the game you're playing.

[maxsterling]

Seems to be a common problem to assign blame/control to us over something we have no control over.

In your case, it sounds like he is setting things up to blame you when/if he starts drinking again.

I get this kind of behavior from my W all the time.  This morning she wanted to blame me for her sleep study going bad because the kids woke up at 3am and I was not available to deal with them (I sleep in a different room).

In the past I would apologize for something like this by saying, I'm sorry, next time I will be more alert.

But I am trying to change the game here.

I need to stick to my principles and remind myself I did nothing wrong here.
1)  I can't control whether the kids wake up
2)  I can't be expected to wake up immediately to deal with the kids
3)  Even if I woke up to deal with the kids, she *still* would have been woken up and *still* would have blamed me for it.

If her sleep study did not work, I am not the cause of it.
I can say, "I'm sorry that happened.  I hope things work better tonight."
But I won't apologize for my role because I have none.

She gets mad, but that is not my problem.  It helps me feel less guilty, though. 

[Every day]

Thanks BigOof, I have read numerous BPD, NPD books but not those so I just downloaded the audio of one from the library : )

maxsterling, thank you for that assessment.  It helped to read it because I know that part of is what he is doing in my subconscious, but to not just sense it but say it is really important in helping me keep my footing. 

I think the other motive is to hope that I’ll just drive to where he is, which I probably did numerous times in the past when he manufactured a reason to be fragile. I’ve become better at taking the bait and I like the way you spelled out how you did nothing wrong.  I think I’ll add that to my journaling during these times to stay centered to what I know is right.  I’m not necessarily looking to end this marriage, but I am looking to set my boundaries, stick to them, and see if he can possibly adapt. As uncomfortable as it is, it is no more uncomfortable than caving because when I do I realize that I was given a lose-lose situation anyway.

[maxsterling]

I’m not necessarily looking to end this marriage, but I am looking to set my boundaries, stick to them, and see if he can possibly adapt. As uncomfortable as it is, it is no more uncomfortable than caving because when I do I realize that I was given a lose-lose situation anyway.

Exactly.

Same place here.  I'm to the point where I just need to have firm boundaries and let her do what she wants.  Continuously caving to her needs can't work for me anymore.