Post Break Up Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey my friend thank you so much once again ... you have helped me a great deal with the healing process.   I think there are at least two reasons for that.
The first and most important ... is that you care.
The second is that you share great information which has helped me with healing.   The more I understand about the disorder the more I can accept and understand what happened ... at least try to understand.
May I tell you a few things and then get your thoughts ... but please know this is not because I seek or desire a reconciliation... which seems like just prolonging the agony with a BPD partner.
So I think you know that I felt we were at our absolute happiest on Valentines Day and my prized gift was a card from my ex which she told me to read carefully because I deserved to read and hear those words
She wrote among other things ... you are my hero, you are my best friend, you are my children's hero, you are my shinning light that always leads my way, you are my lover who respects and touches me with love, you are my future, you are my true love and you are my dream come true.   I want to spend everyday for the rest of my life with you. (I bring the card up for a reason)   I've told you it was only a few days later that I got a text completely out of the blue that essentially said I can't do this anymore.
I fell apart ... I literally fell apart and I called her sister with whom I had become close and I immediately sought help from my family and friends and a therapist.   A few days later, after she spoke with her sister and she was furious that I had spoken with her sister we talked.
We actually had a long, good, talk.  It wasn't easy by any means but we got a lot out    I told her how hurt and blindsided I was to receive that text and she apologized for handling things that way.   She explained how stressed she was trying to take care of her 3 children and have a relationship with me ... although she fully admitted that it was my support and love over the last year that helped her and she admitted it was a magical year for her and the kids.  She also admitted that she essentially lied to her sister by telling her the relationship had ended because I was not communicating with her and I was the one who was frustrated.   Her sister, knowing that was not the case ... called her out on it and then the two of them had a heated exchange.
In the end my ex apologized to me and to her sister and we agreed to try again ... take things slow ... and whenever my ex would feel any pressure to let me know she needed space and I would back off.
Over the next 5 weeks we did exactly that and I can't tell you how many times she thanked me for listening to her and supporting her ... and how many times she told me she loved me and that she felt we were going to be stronger for going thru this together.  She seemed so happy and calm and we were intimate and communicating better than we ever had
Fast forward 5 weeks to a Friday night when I was taking her out to a dinner she was so looking forward to sharing with me.
I got to her house, noticed it was very dark and when I got around the corner of her living room she was curled up on the couch.   She was very quiet and again just looked very odd to me.
I asked her if anything was wrong and she said you are always so happy to see me and always so full of life... I'm sorry I'm just exhausted.   My heart sank ... I knew this was the beginning of something far worse
We agreed to delay the dinner an hour or so and she put her head in my lap told me to wake her in an hour and fell asleep.
That hour was hell for me as I stroked her hair ... I knew something was wrong!
When I woke her she literally looked a bit crazed
She immediately said I can't do this anymore!   For the next two hours I watched and felt every emotion possible.  At times she was amazingly open and honest holding my hand and telling me I was her best friend and the only person she trusted.    Minutes later she would say she doesn't want to be with anyone
I told her I thought everything was going so well over the last 5 weeks and she agreed but then immediately shouted I don't know what happiness is ... I don't ever want to be married again ... I don't know who I am.
At one point she said I am so sorry ... I'm not in love with you.  Those words hurt me more than any words I've ever heard but they also made no sense!  I told her I didn't believe her because of all we had discussed over the last 5 weeks.  I carry a photo of the Valentines Day card she gave me on my phone because it meant so much to me ... and she loved that I did so.  I read it back to her word by word and I asked her if those words were true.  I told her to be brutally honest and she said yes every word is true and she meant every word.   I asked her how it is possible that she now says she doesn't love me when she so recently wrote those words.   She just stared at me almost in a fearful way and shouted I just can't do this anymore!   That back and forth went on for almost two hours ... love, honesty, grace ... and then absolute anger and screaming.  It ended when she said I have to admit I am so mad you talked to my sister about us.  I told her that her sister and I had
Become very close (which my ex had been so proud of) and that I turned to her and my friends because I was so shocked and hurt and confused.   I also told her that she might need to rethink why she was so mad and I suggested she was so mad because she got caught lying to her sister about why our relationship had ended   (creating the fake bad guy right?)   she was enraged and kept screaming for me to leave her house which I did with dignity and grace and respect.   Thru all that abuse I never once raised my voice or said anything remotely disparaging toward her.   I walked out quietly, crying as I did and left.
By the time I got home I was blocked on Facebook and I'm assuming blocked everywhere else and its from that I am still trying to recover.
So ... a few questions if I may
Does the fact that my ex seemed so genuine appreciative of my support throughout our relationship sound like someone with BPD?
Does the fact that my ex always told me I've never been in such a loving, supportive, relationship ... I've only been with takers ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD?   does it make sense that she would have been with takers?
Does the fact that my ex was so honest (at least in my mind) during our last talk when she admitted that she meant every word she had written in that card ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD.
She also said that she probably should have worked on herself before dating me last year which I thought was open and honest ... again Does that seem symptomatic of someone with BPD?
I guess ... SC ... as I sat with my ex those last few hours I thought I saw someone broken and almost crying for help but I also knew I couldn't really help her anymore.
Do you see why I feel as if I'm missing something?   Such a bad damn feeling.
Look I like you and respect you too much to BS you my friend
There IS a part of me that wonders if my ex is dealing with BPD and some other trauma ... because 99.9 % of the time she was so blissfully content and happy and supportive and appreciative.   I don't know my friend ... I just don't know.
I KNOW in my heart my ex (hate calling her that I would rather respectfully use her name) is sick ... she IS fighting demons and that I can't help her in that fight although the few people who love her ... her children ... her sister ... her father ... all knew I WAS helping her.
My greatest peace I guess is knowing that many many people have supported me and prayed for me and although I'm not deeply religious I realize this is in God's hands and perhaps this is the absolutely best thing for a good and decent man like me.
I fully realize she may not have given me a moments thought from the minute I stepped foot out of her house and perhaps she is already with a replacement.   I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children
I just do so miss my best damn friend and the love of my life and I wish I knew she felt the same.
I also know I'm crying less and getting stronger and I need to love myself more and more.
Thanks for listening my friend ... as always I appreciate you!
Swfd

I will have a more in depth review probably tomorrow, but just in case you peek in I did want to touch base on this thought process..."I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children." - Yeah so...my friend this kind of thinking is why recycles happen. You are still hoping and wanting to be wrong and wanting to prove love will conquer all in the end...stop it. That is fantasy. Look my man regardless of my education and training I can also speak from experience of being married to a woman who was the epitome of Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. Do you think I wanted to give in? Think I was ok with getting divorced? F no! However, I do not regret the experience.

I learned a lot and in the end it truly made me stronger and an absolute force to be reckoned with. Hell it took me quite some time to truly get past what she did to me. I went through the same S  you are going through. No one could understand. After a while I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinion and I was like F  this! I bow to no one and I will never give in to weakness! I got kicked in the nuts and had to start from scratch and my friend I truly hit rock bottom and contrary to many I unfortunately know what real rock bottom is all about...no I do not care to go into detail on that because it is long since passed and this about helping you and not focusing on me (I have no problem sharing...the point is I want the focus on helping you because we are in the now, not the past). My point here was...please use every fiber of your being to resist the temptation of the fantasy...it is a motherF :cursing:ing MIRAGE!

You are damn right you need to focus on loving yourself more. You get 1 life bro so never let anyone else ever have the power of dominion over your happiness. I know this is hard for you because you are truly a nice, kind, genuine, warm, and caring man. Hell you are probably a better man than I, but take it from a man who has been through hell and back...learning true self awareness and self love is the greatest thing you can ever experience. Internal validation carries so much more weight than external validation. It gives you real power.

When you can flip that switch you will naturally have an abundancy mind set and stop coming from a place of scarcity. You will realize you are the prize and do not need others to validate that for you. You go about your life and DO YOU and better opportunities will happen.

So I will flip some questions back on you that I want you to take some time to ponder...

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Of course we can go deeper, but my friend my point here is to open you up and to pull you out of the funk. We start by focusing on YOU and not on her.

Like I said I will have more tomorrow most likely.

Cheers and best wishes SW...Keep your head up, be kind to YOU and take care of YOU!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Hey my friend thank you so much once again ... you have helped me a great deal with the healing process.   I think there are at least two reasons for that.
The first and most important ... is that you care.
The second is that you share great information which has helped me with healing.   The more I understand about the disorder the more I can accept and understand what happened ... at least try to understand.
May I tell you a few things and then get your thoughts ... but please know this is not because I seek or desire a reconciliation... which seems like just prolonging the agony with a BPD partner.
So I think you know that I felt we were at our absolute happiest on Valentines Day and my prized gift was a card from my ex which she told me to read carefully because I deserved to read and hear those words
She wrote among other things ... you are my hero, you are my best friend, you are my children's hero, you are my shinning light that always leads my way, you are my lover who respects and touches me with love, you are my future, you are my true love and you are my dream come true.   I want to spend everyday for the rest of my life with you. (I bring the card up for a reason)   I've told you it was only a few days later that I got a text completely out of the blue that essentially said I can't do this anymore.
I fell apart ... I literally fell apart and I called her sister with whom I had become close and I immediately sought help from my family and friends and a therapist.   A few days later, after she spoke with her sister and she was furious that I had spoken with her sister we talked.
We actually had a long, good, talk.  It wasn't easy by any means but we got a lot out    I told her how hurt and blindsided I was to receive that text and she apologized for handling things that way.   She explained how stressed she was trying to take care of her 3 children and have a relationship with me ... although she fully admitted that it was my support and love over the last year that helped her and she admitted it was a magical year for her and the kids.  She also admitted that she essentially lied to her sister by telling her the relationship had ended because I was not communicating with her and I was the one who was frustrated.   Her sister, knowing that was not the case ... called her out on it and then the two of them had a heated exchange.
In the end my ex apologized to me and to her sister and we agreed to try again ... take things slow ... and whenever my ex would feel any pressure to let me know she needed space and I would back off.
Over the next 5 weeks we did exactly that and I can't tell you how many times she thanked me for listening to her and supporting her ... and how many times she told me she loved me and that she felt we were going to be stronger for going thru this together.  She seemed so happy and calm and we were intimate and communicating better than we ever had
Fast forward 5 weeks to a Friday night when I was taking her out to a dinner she was so looking forward to sharing with me.
I got to her house, noticed it was very dark and when I got around the corner of her living room she was curled up on the couch.   She was very quiet and again just looked very odd to me.
I asked her if anything was wrong and she said you are always so happy to see me and always so full of life... I'm sorry I'm just exhausted.   My heart sank ... I knew this was the beginning of something far worse
We agreed to delay the dinner an hour or so and she put her head in my lap told me to wake her in an hour and fell asleep.
That hour was hell for me as I stroked her hair ... I knew something was wrong!
When I woke her she literally looked a bit crazed
She immediately said I can't do this anymore!   For the next two hours I watched and felt every emotion possible.  At times she was amazingly open and honest holding my hand and telling me I was her best friend and the only person she trusted.    Minutes later she would say she doesn't want to be with anyone
I told her I thought everything was going so well over the last 5 weeks and she agreed but then immediately shouted I don't know what happiness is ... I don't ever want to be married again ... I don't know who I am.
At one point she said I am so sorry ... I'm not in love with you.  Those words hurt me more than any words I've ever heard but they also made no sense!  I told her I didn't believe her because of all we had discussed over the last 5 weeks.  I carry a photo of the Valentines Day card she gave me on my phone because it meant so much to me ... and she loved that I did so.  I read it back to her word by word and I asked her if those words were true.  I told her to be brutally honest and she said yes every word is true and she meant every word.   I asked her how it is possible that she now says she doesn't love me when she so recently wrote those words.   She just stared at me almost in a fearful way and shouted I just can't do this anymore!   That back and forth went on for almost two hours ... love, honesty, grace ... and then absolute anger and screaming.  It ended when she said I have to admit I am so mad you talked to my sister about us.  I told her that her sister and I had
Become very close (which my ex had been so proud of) and that I turned to her and my friends because I was so shocked and hurt and confused.   I also told her that she might need to rethink why she was so mad and I suggested she was so mad because she got caught lying to her sister about why our relationship had ended   (creating the fake bad guy right?)   she was enraged and kept screaming for me to leave her house which I did with dignity and grace and respect.   Thru all that abuse I never once raised my voice or said anything remotely disparaging toward her.   I walked out quietly, crying as I did and left.
By the time I got home I was blocked on Facebook and I'm assuming blocked everywhere else and its from that I am still trying to recover.
So ... a few questions if I may
Does the fact that my ex seemed so genuine appreciative of my support throughout our relationship sound like someone with BPD?
Does the fact that my ex always told me I've never been in such a loving, supportive, relationship ... I've only been with takers ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD?   does it make sense that she would have been with takers?
Does the fact that my ex was so honest (at least in my mind) during our last talk when she admitted that she meant every word she had written in that card ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD.
She also said that she probably should have worked on herself before dating me last year which I thought was open and honest ... again Does that seem symptomatic of someone with BPD?
I guess ... SC ... as I sat with my ex those last few hours I thought I saw someone broken and almost crying for help but I also knew I couldn't really help her anymore.
Do you see why I feel as if I'm missing something?   Such a bad damn feeling.
Look I like you and respect you too much to BS you my friend
There IS a part of me that wonders if my ex is dealing with BPD and some other trauma ... because 99.9 % of the time she was so blissfully content and happy and supportive and appreciative.   I don't know my friend ... I just don't know.
I KNOW in my heart my ex (hate calling her that I would rather respectfully use her name) is sick ... she IS fighting demons and that I can't help her in that fight although the few people who love her ... her children ... her sister ... her father ... all knew I WAS helping her.
My greatest peace I guess is knowing that many many people have supported me and prayed for me and although I'm not deeply religious I realize this is in God's hands and perhaps this is the absolutely best thing for a good and decent man like me.
I fully realize she may not have given me a moments thought from the minute I stepped foot out of her house and perhaps she is already with a replacement.   I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children
I just do so miss my best damn friend and the love of my life and I wish I knew she felt the same.
I also know I'm crying less and getting stronger and I need to love myself more and more.
Thanks for listening my friend ... as always I appreciate you!
Swfd

I will have a more in depth review probably tomorrow, but just in case you peek in I did want to touch base on this thought process..."I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children." - Yeah so...my friend this kind of thinking is why recycles happen. You are still hoping and wanting to be wrong and wanting to prove love will conquer all in the end...stop it. That is fantasy. Look my man regardless of my education and training I can also speak from experience of being married to a woman who was the epitome of Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. Do you think I wanted to give in? Think I was ok with getting divorced? F no! However, I do not regret the experience.

I learned a lot and in the end it truly made me stronger and an absolute force to be reckoned with. Hell it took me quite some time to truly get past what she did to me. I went through the same S  you are going through. No one could understand. After a while I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinion and I was like F  this! I bow to no one and I will never give in to weakness! I got kicked in the nuts and had to start from scratch and my friend I truly hit rock bottom and contrary to many I unfortunately know what real rock bottom is all about...no I do not care to go into detail on that because it is long since passed and this about helping you and not focusing on me (I have no problem sharing...the point is I want the focus on helping you because we are in the now, not the past). My point here was...please use every fiber of your being to resist the temptation of the fantasy...it is a motherF :cursing:ing MIRAGE!

You are damn right you need to focus on loving yourself more. You get 1 life bro so never let anyone else ever have the power of dominion over your happiness. I know this is hard for you because you are truly a nice, kind, genuine, warm, and caring man. Hell you are probably a better man than I, but take it from a man who has been through hell and back...learning true self awareness and self love is the greatest thing you can ever experience. Internal validation carries so much more weight than external validation. It gives you real power.

When you can flip that switch you will naturally have an abundancy mind set and stop coming from a place of scarcity. You will realize you are the prize and do not need others to validate that for you. You go about your life and DO YOU and better opportunities will happen.

So I will flip some questions back on you that I want you to take some time to ponder...

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Of course we can go deeper, but my friend my point here is to open you up and to pull you out of the funk. We start by focusing on YOU and not on her.

Like I said I will have more tomorrow most likely.

Cheers and best wishes SW...Keep your head up, be kind to YOU and take care of YOU!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Good morning SC and THANK YOU!
Hey my friend, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you as a resource and as a friend.  Yes, a friend ... and I thank you for that.
Yesterday I had a very productive counseling session with my great therapist... and he, like you, is also a blessing.
I want you to know that I HEARD every word you just said and I'm getting there.  I know you care about me, so I want you to please understand that I am getting there.
No one knows better then you ... this is a process and by no means an easy one
I asked my therapist how "he thought I was doing" and he said ... "you are doing effing great!"
I so needed to hear that from him and so needed to read what you just wrote me ... funny how that happens
I'm busy at work right now  ...  Wanna crush it today for ME and MY SON!  I know you love hearing that don't you SC?
But I also wanted you to know I did check in and was thrilled to read and accept your challenge.
I look forward to answering the questions you put to me ... and as always I look forward to communicating with you
Finally, I am so sorry that you suffered as much as you did ... but I can tell it has made you one hell of a man.   
It's made you the kind of guy who reaches out to a complete stranger to help pull him along ... the kind of guy who loves enough to tell the truth ... the kind of guy who makes a difference in thus world
This complete stranger so appreciates your love and concern ... there's just no other way to put it.
Be well and thank you.   Have a great day and we will talk soon.
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Good morning SC and THANK YOU!
Hey my friend, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you as a resource and as a friend.  Yes, a friend ... and I thank you for that.
Yesterday I had a very productive counseling session with my great therapist... and he, like you, is also a blessing.
I want you to know that I HEARD every word you just said and I'm getting there.  I know you care about me, so I want you to please understand that I am getting there.
No one knows better then you ... this is a process and by no means an easy one
I asked my therapist how "he thought I was doing" and he said ... "you are doing effing great!"
I so needed to hear that from him and so needed to read what you just wrote me ... funny how that happens
I'm busy at work right now  ...  Wanna crush it today for ME and MY SON!  I know you love hearing that don't you SC?
But I also wanted you to know I did check in and was thrilled to read and accept your challenge.
I look forward to answering the questions you put to me ... and as always I look forward to communicating with you
Finally, I am so sorry that you suffered as much as you did ... but I can tell it has made you one hell of a man.   
It's made you the kind of guy who reaches out to a complete stranger to help pull him along ... the kind of guy who loves enough to tell the truth ... the kind of guy who makes a difference in thus world
This complete stranger so appreciates your love and concern ... there's just no other way to put it.
Be well and thank you.   Have a great day and we will talk soon.
Swfd

Now you are speaking my language and that is what I want to hear. You keep that thought process going. The goal is to win at life man. You do that by focusing on what you can control. You do that by focusing on doing and letting everything else fall into place.

Eh hey man trust me I am all good. The scars will always be there of course and despite what some may think at times, I am but merely a human and not a super hero (I am commonly referred to as the Hulk...) or a machine. I'm just an ordinary dude who has learned how to persevere through the bullS life can throw at you. Nothing more, nothing less.

I love being able to help people from the shadows to prove an important point. For many people who face adversity or who have to deal with mental health disorders, or being the victim of dealing with a disordered individual there is an all too common tendency to feel alone. To feel powerless. To feel helpless and hopeless. I reach out from the shadows to provide comfort to let you know that no you are not alone and that there are people out there who will help you, who give a S  , have your back, and will lift you up, or smack ya upside the head to knock some sense into you if need be ;-).

Take your time and keep your head up. You are doing just fine. Just remember in times like these it isn't about what happened to you, it is why is this happening for me. Keep that mind set. Better times ahead for you good sir.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Hey my friend ... had a bit of time and wanted to get back to you.  Before I answer your questions wanted to tell you something that happened yesterday that you might find interesting.
I'm a avid golfer and a pretty good stick, but I've had issues with my hip over the last few years which I thought I could cure or at least relieve with therapy.   Just found out that is not helping as much as I had hoped and looks like I might be headed for surgery at some point down the line.  Almost immediately I thought you know what ... I came into her life at at time when she was at a low point (DWI and desperate financially).  Through my love and support (her words not mine) I provided the best year of her life with dinners and trips and gifts and endless support for her and the kids.  And yet ... where is she now ... when I need love and support of my own?   I thought you know what ... eff this and eff her.   I'm gonna concentrate on me before, during and after this operation and I'm gonna take great care of myself for ME and for my SON.  I know he is proud of his Papa and I'm gonna make him even prouder.  Funny how that little challenge made me focus.  Focus on me!
So my friend let me answer your questions honestly!
I do not need a partner.   As much as I love being in a relationship I have spent a good deal of time alone.  I was divorced 13 years ago and have only had a 2 year relationship immediately after my divorce and my relationship with my ex last year.  In between I wanted to focus on being a great Dad and I'm proud to say I have been and will continue to be.   My son is an honor student studying pre law at BC!  He's brilliant and loving and kind and amazing and he is my life!
I am actually happy when I'm alone and I can easily be alone.  I have great friends I work hard and I try to be a supportive son to my aging parents.  I also do both thestre and films and I actually have my SAG card so occasionally I do that.
Last year when I met my ex I was in a great place and not really looking for a relationship at all.   I told her ... and I meant it ... that if things did not work with us I would be fine because I was very happy being alone.   I was with her because I loved her company and her support and I adored her children as well.  To her credit, she knew what I meant and she greatly appreciated that I was with her because I wanted to be and not because I needed to be.
I wish I felt that way when the relationship ended but you well know all of the many reasons I was so devastated.   Seems like devastation is part and parcel of a BPD break up.
I guess my biggest insecurity is that I'm in my late 50s although everyone thinks I'm in my 40s.  I'm in great shape and very young at heart but I do wish I was younger if only to offer more time to a loving relationship.
What makes me me ... I guess I can honestly say that I'm a truly good person ... I always try to see the best in everyone and I am someone who would do anything for someone i truly love.  I do believe in loving others as I want to be loved myself.
As far as my past relationships go I had a great talk with my therapist about that.
I've had few relationships but they've always been fairly serious.   I never dated if I didn't see a future ... I'd rather be alone then spend time with someone in a Caz relationship.
I do realize tho ... that several of my relationships were difficult in that I was always attracted to giving someone great support.  I lost one relationship with someone I adored because she was not from this country and she had to return to her homeland to take care of her aging parents.  I lost another loving relationship to someone whose brother was killed and she fell apart because of that.
My therapist pointed out that in each case I was called on to be highly supportive and in each case I lost love through something out of my control ... of course including my BPD ex.
Of course, this has been the hardest road of all and you, he and I know exactly why. I was definitely I'm love with the love and support I was providing for my ex ... and of course she stoked that fire by being so vocal about her appreciation of my support.   You know my friend, that is a huge part of my hurt ... how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too.
I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and I'm continously appreciative of your support.
Be well SC ... stay well and thank you!
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Hey my friend ... had a bit of time and wanted to get back to you.  Before I answer your questions wanted to tell you something that happened yesterday that you might find interesting.
I'm a avid golfer and a pretty good stick, but I've had issues with my hip over the last few years which I thought I could cure or at least relieve with therapy.   Just found out that is not helping as much as I had hoped and looks like I might be headed for surgery at some point down the line.  Almost immediately I thought you know what ... I came into her life at at time when she was at a low point (DWI and desperate financially).  Through my love and support (her words not mine) I provided the best year of her life with dinners and trips and gifts and endless support for her and the kids.  And yet ... where is she now ... when I need love and support of my own?   I thought you know what ... eff this and eff her.   I'm gonna concentrate on me before, during and after this operation and I'm gonna take great care of myself for ME and for my SON.  I know he is proud of his Papa and I'm gonna make him even prouder.  Funny how that little challenge made me focus.  Focus on me!
So my friend let me answer your questions honestly!
I do not need a partner.   As much as I love being in a relationship I have spent a good deal of time alone.  I was divorced 13 years ago and have only had a 2 year relationship immediately after my divorce and my relationship with my ex last year.  In between I wanted to focus on being a great Dad and I'm proud to say I have been and will continue to be.   My son is an honor student studying pre law at BC!  He's brilliant and loving and kind and amazing and he is my life!
I am actually happy when I'm alone and I can easily be alone.  I have great friends I work hard and I try to be a supportive son to my aging parents.  I also do both thestre and films and I actually have my SAG card so occasionally I do that.
Last year when I met my ex I was in a great place and not really looking for a relationship at all.   I told her ... and I meant it ... that if things did not work with us I would be fine because I was very happy being alone.   I was with her because I loved her company and her support and I adored her children as well.  To her credit, she knew what I meant and she greatly appreciated that I was with her because I wanted to be and not because I needed to be.
I wish I felt that way when the relationship ended but you well know all of the many reasons I was so devastated.   Seems like devastation is part and parcel of a BPD break up.
I guess my biggest insecurity is that I'm in my late 50s although everyone thinks I'm in my 40s.  I'm in great shape and very young at heart but I do wish I was younger if only to offer more time to a loving relationship.
What makes me me ... I guess I can honestly say that I'm a truly good person ... I always try to see the best in everyone and I am someone who would do anything for someone i truly love.  I do believe in loving others as I want to be loved myself.
As far as my past relationships go I had a great talk with my therapist about that.
I've had few relationships but they've always been fairly serious.   I never dated if I didn't see a future ... I'd rather be alone then spend time with someone in a Caz relationship.
I do realize tho ... that several of my relationships were difficult in that I was always attracted to giving someone great support.  I lost one relationship with someone I adored because she was not from this country and she had to return to her homeland to take care of her aging parents.  I lost another loving relationship to someone whose brother was killed and she fell apart because of that.
My therapist pointed out that in each case I was called on to be highly supportive and in each case I lost love through something out of my control ... of course including my BPD ex.
Of course, this has been the hardest road of all and you, he and I know exactly why. I was definitely I'm love with the love and support I was providing for my ex ... and of course she stoked that fire by being so vocal about her appreciation of my support.   You know my friend, that is a huge part of my hurt ... how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too.
I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and I'm continously appreciative of your support.
Be well SC ... stay well and thank you!
Swfd

I haven't had a chance recently to respond so I am in catch up mode. However, I am happy to hear you got your mind going on the right track. I will provide a more typical thorough response probably tomorrow night.

In the meantime...for the hip...I recommend getting your hands on some topical bpc-157 combined with TB-500 and a topical Tetrahydrocurcumin supplement. This is what I use to keep myself lifting like I do and what I used to help my 75 year old mother heal up. Ironically her hip was causing her immense pain and left her with terrible mobility for a couple of days. I started using those topical creams and within 2 days the pain had subsided. The THC... not the puff puff pass stuff, but the topical curcumin will help the pain subside fairly quickly as it is a very powerful anti-inflammatory. The BPC-157 and TB-500 will help with healing and rebuilding and strengthening damaged tissue.

Take care of that hip and keep moving forward. 

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Part 2 of my response as promised...

"how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too."

^^^This was the most important part of your response. This is true progress and shows you are moving along in your journey to healing. Does it mean you are all patched up and good to go? To be blunt...Hell no! However, it is a damn good start.

I will be honest...I surmised that your relationship pattern may have been along those lines. Your kindness is a strength and never a weakness. However, that said kindness is something you have to guard fiercely because while it is your greatest strength it is also your greatest vulnerability and leaves you open to getting taken advantage of and treated poorly. This is why I explain to many on here that you have to get used to seeing the WHAT IS and accepting that WHAT IS. Your mind will play a trick on you and having WHAT YOU WANT TO BE override your better judgment and you will do as you did in this last relationship...you will dismiss and accept bad behavior because you will be stuck on it can't be this and it can't be that type of thinking.

I've taken many under my wing...friends, family, subordinates alike and helped them to understand it is ok to be assertive and that you cannot be afraid to call someone on their S  . You always have to place respect above being liked. Unfortunately trying to be liked and people pleasing behavior leads to you being treated like a doormat. This is why I say if you try to please everyone you will effectively please no one!

I can understand the age thing, but I think you have to train your mind to look at your age as a positive and a strength. Why? You have wisdom and experience that cannot be taught and that puts you in a position of power...a prime example I have to throw out...Tom Brady...the undisputed GOAT Quarterback. He actually got better as he has aged and that isn't opinion...it's fact because of watching him play and passing the seeing eye test and the numbers don't lie. Also...look at Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. A prime example of age being a strength.The man is still in his prime at near 50...or lets say has extended his prime because of the work he puts into himself and crafting strong positive relationships. With age you gain the ability to craft better relationships if you use your wisdom and knowledge of the past. The physical is fleeting and many people get too hung up on the vanity of their youth. The mind will always be more important and more powerful than the body. If you need some other examples...I dated much older women than myself and had pleasant experiences. I learned a lot, but they also learned a lot from me as well. In many respects age is just a number...I taught them their age is a positive, not a negative. The relationships didn't end because of anything age related. Nope, just differences and incompatibilities that would not work out long-term. Hence why you date. Anyway...Age...Own it. Embrace it. Something I mentioned to them as I will share with you...Learn, Teach, Lead. Always keep that in mind.

So as not to get on a total diatribe I will cut myself off.... I can feel the philosophical discussion kicking in just like this is 20 years ago and I am in the college auditorium hashing out science vs philosophy.

Hey just for entertainment purposes and fun...hey you never know...there could be a way to stave off father time. I mean scientists have identified an immortality gene...The LIN-28A gene. Not to mention if you can solve the equation for balancing out AMPK vs MTOR and Follistatin vs Myostatin you theoretically could remain looking and feeling like you are in your 40's when your 80? LOL 

Be well SW and take care of that hip.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

Hi, I know I’m super late to this thread but just wanted to chime in and say that your ex reminds me SOO much of mine and mine is also dBPD now, as well as NPD and HPD and who know what else.

So many of the events you describe, and even the words she used, are just like my ex and so many on this site. I don’t check here too often anymore but I hope you keep reading, posting, and going to therapy.

The cognitive dissonance between her letter to you and her discarding you is such a painful experience. I have been there and it does get better. Give it time and take care of yourself and protect yourself from her as your wounds heal.

Hope you’re doing well and she will always act in these crazy push pull cycles.

You and all of us deserve better!