.My marriage is breaking down

[Falling Feather]

Hi everyone, I'm new here!
I have been with my husband for 10 years but married for 4 (next month) and it my marriage is breaking down. We had split up last week due to my mental health (BPD and OCD) and I assume him not being able to handle me. I am trying so hard to not let my mental health cause problems but it clearly is. He suggested marriage counselling to work on communication because thats where the biggest problem lies, but we barely talk right now and I fear like I'm going to lose him anyway I have information ready to go through him explaining my diagnoses but in all honesty I cant see him reading them as he really doesn't understand mental health. Please anyone have any advice I'm literally at my wits end but don't want to lose him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Riv3rW0lf]

He suggested marriage counselling to work on communication because thats where the biggest problem lies, but we barely talk right now and I fear like I'm going to lose him anyway I have information ready to go through him explaining my diagnoses but in all honesty I cant see him reading them as he really doesn't understand mental health. Please anyone have any advice I'm literally at my wits end but don't want to lose him.

The fact that he suggested marriage counselling means he is not ready to let go either, so I would suggest accepting the counseling and waiting for it before giving him what you have prepared.

I understand you have BPD and are taking responsibility for your mental health and I applaud you for that. It is worth keeping in mind that your condition affects him too, in many ways. If he proposed marriage counseling, chances are he understands more than you know. Have faith in him, wait for the counseling before jumping to conclusions.

It is normal, within a marriage, to go through turmoil, to face periods of disconnection, followed by reconnection. Again: trust in the fact that he suggested marriage counselling.  

[Falling Feather]

I completely agree with going forward with counselling, it is a positive that he suggested it. Our biggest issue within the relationship/marriage is communication, neither of us is good at it and it always causes problems every so often when we let it build up that much. Other than communication the marriage is fine, weve been together for 10 years and married for 4. We had a sit down talk yesterday because he wanted to understand so I showed him the information my duty worker gave me and we had a chat after that and explained how things are. He admitted he didn't know how bad things were regarding my mental health. I said its hard to talk to him because he has a completely different view on mental health and is a veteran as well. I understand its hard for him as well, I've never assumed it isn't. I get people don't understand. Half the time I don't understand whats going on so how can I expect anyone else too either. I cant keep up with my emotions as they change instantly. I don't expect him to put up with it but it would be hard to lose him.

[kells76]

Hi Falling Feather, I join Rive3rW0lf in saying Hello to you.

It's understandable that communication would be a challenge in your marriage. I agree with RW and you, it's very positive that he suggested going to MC, and you deserve kudos for being willing to go and do the work.

I want to give you a heads up that this site is tailored more towards people who don't have BPD and are working on relationships with someone who does have BPD or BPD type traits. The way struggles get talked about here may be less supportive to someone managing BPD, like yourself, than a site that is geared towards members with BPD. I would not want for you to run across a post or thread that is destabilizing or not very empathetic.

Not sure if you have seen this site before -- I think it is for people around the world, not just in the USA -- but this could be a better fit for your specific needs and growth:

https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Mental-Health-Education/NAMI-Peer-to-Peer

The brief description below reads:

NAMI Peer-to-Peer helps you:

Set a vision and goals for the future
Partner with health care providers
Develop confidence for making decisions
Practice relaxation and stress reduction tools
Share your story
Strengthen relationships
Enhance communication skills
Learn about mental health treatment options

They also have a page about "disclosing to others" and my hope for you is that if you haven't seen it already, that it provides meaningful suggestions and support for talking about your MH journey with your husband:

https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Individuals-with-Mental-Illness/Disclosing-to-Others

We 100% wish you success and a positive, healing journey together with your husband. I hear a lot of positives and I think there is hope for you two as you add more skills and tools to your "toolbelt" and grow together.

All the best;

kells76