Unsure what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was married and met a A woman who I had an affair with.  I ended up leaving my marriage for this woman who has BPD.  I am 40.  Never ever thought of having an affair let alone leaving my wife. 

After three months of the affair I decided to leave my wife and get my own place and start a relationship with this other woman.  She was great for the most part.  I would however get cold feet and breakup with her and go back and try to fix things with my wife.  I did this 3-4 times.  I’d miss the other woman abs leave my wife and go back to the other woman with BPD. 

We have officially broken up (both with my wife and BPD).  The other woman moved over an hour from her kids to be with me.  She has since lost her mind and kind of rightfully so.  Out of quilt I did help her move back to her home town.  I took care of her cat while she was in transition.  It’s been three months since we broke up.  We have been talking and arguing and fighting constantly.  Two weeks ago told me let’s talk when you are FULLY divorced.  She said I never loved anyone like I loved you.  This i believe as I’ve spoken to other EX BFs.  We met up to return each other’s things.  She asked to keep a lot of my clothes and such.  She cried the entire time during moving, cries each time we’ve met up (several times). 

She has started seeing someone else.  She told me she had to in order to get over me.  She says she is extremely ducked up from our relationship.  And she is now in therapy twice a week over it. 

She has begged to stay friends until recently.  She says it’s just too hard and unfair to both myself, her and her new relationship. 

She says her new BF tracks her every move and mirrors her phone and I believe it as she showed me.  She calls me from her work number so he doesn’t know.  Eaxh time I see her she cries and says I smell good, tells me she loves me. 

She said we can’t really stay in touch anymore but she doesn’t want it to be forever.  She says I deeply care about you and love you but staying in touch is hurting all of us.  She says I need to get myself in order and build myself back up.  I did lose it over the relationship which is crazy because I broke up with her. 

What do I do ?  Let her go forever ?  I truly deeply care for her and worry about her.  She never directly hurt me.  She never cheated on me (we both had access to each other’s phones) but she’s already cheated on her new BF and she almost cheated on him with me.  She said we can’t meet up as she’s scared she’ll do something with me she regrets. 

[Whatsthedeal]

I was married and met a A woman who I had an affair with.  I ended up leaving my marriage for this woman who has BPD.  I am 40.  Never ever thought of having an affair let alone leaving my wife. 

After three months of the affair I decided to leave my wife and get my own place and start a relationship with this other woman.  She was great for the most part.  I would however get cold feet and breakup with her and go back and try to fix things with my wife.  I did this 3-4 times.  I’d miss the other woman abs leave my wife and go back to the other woman with BPD. 

We have officially broken up (both with my wife and BPD).  The other woman moved over an hour from her kids to be with me.  She has since lost her mind and kind of rightfully so.  Out of quilt I did help her move back to her home town.  I took care of her cat while she was in transition.  It’s been three months since we broke up.  We have been talking and arguing and fighting constantly.  Two weeks ago told me let’s talk when you are FULLY divorced.  She said I never loved anyone like I loved you.  This i believe as I’ve spoken to other EX BFs.  We met up to return each other’s things.  She asked to keep a lot of my clothes and such.  She cried the entire time during moving, cries each time we’ve met up (several times). 

She has started seeing someone else.  She told me she had to in order to get over me.  She says she is extremely ducked up from our relationship.  And she is now in therapy twice a week over it. 

She has begged to stay friends until recently.  She says it’s just too hard and unfair to both myself, her and her new relationship. 

She says her new BF tracks her every move and mirrors her phone and I believe it as she showed me.  She calls me from her work number so he doesn’t know.  Eaxh time I see her she cries and says I smell good, tells me she loves me. 

She said we can’t really stay in touch anymore but she doesn’t want it to be forever.  She says I deeply care about you and love you but staying in touch is hurting all of us.  She says I need to get myself in order and build myself back up.  I did lose it over the relationship which is crazy because I broke up with her. 

What do I do ?  Let her go forever ?  I truly deeply care for her and worry about her.  She never directly hurt me.  She never cheated on me (we both had access to each other’s phones) but she’s already cheated on her new BF and she almost cheated on him with me.  She said we can’t meet up as she’s scared she’ll do something with me she regrets. 

[Rafe]

Hey Bro, I had a similar experience. I won't bore you with the details but I will say: people who jump into relationships with people who are already married or in a committed relationship is usually a sign of a serious character flaw, and a tell tale sign of things to come. I've dated a couple girls with BDP and they seem to be drawn to toxic situations like these. Let this girl go and focus on having a relationship with a fresh start. BPD girls are very intoxicating (especially if they are beautiful). I just broke up with my BDP ex two months ago and it has been a perplexing nightmare in the aftermath. Ive talked to other people (including my therapist) who have had serious relationships with BDP women. Once things spiral out of control and ruptures happen, going back will only make the pain and toxic dysfunctions amplify over time. Once the idealization phase is over, despite your love and looking at the past with rose colored glasses, things will only come more nightmarish. You need to accept the reality that you should have a relationship with an honorable start with a mentally healthy person. As the saying goes: relationships born in infidelity are doomed to failure. Hang in there, you will feel better in time. Use it as a learning experience.

[Whatsthedeal]

Agree my friend thank you.  She was drop dead gorgeous.  Just crazy.  I don’t want to blame everything on the BP but I tell ya she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go.  I was married for 18 years.  Never thought of leaving.  Borderline literally changed who I was and my personality.  YES I cheated but she compounded the issue.  There were times she’d tell me I had to block my ex wife.  Lol we have three kids together! 

While noone can make you do things she certainly persuaded abs convinced me my previous life sucked, my wife was awful, etc. 

Looking back I read up soo so much on BPD and I just ignored it all.  “Not her” “she isn’t like that”

I just honestly feel like I’ll never be right again.