What to do, how to tell her

[Exkcb]

Long story short, I've been married over 20 years. Unsure how long I would say happily married... I've always been a people pleaser, my wife when we met told me she had bipolar and BPD, at the time I thought nothing of it, we got on great for years, had our first child after 5 years, and second 3 years later. Though in that time she often displayed anger and rage, both at the kids and me. But it never lasted long then I started some years ago to notice more and more how she hated it when I went away with work, I couldn't enjoy any evening time when away without having to check in with her, this ofc alienated me from making friends. The friends I did make she always said horrible things about. I would also mention during our 20 year marriage she never worked, always had a reason "xx was mean to me"  "too stressful", "my back hurts sat down all day" etc etc. I also noticed when choosing things (car, house etc etc) she always had to pick, but when she changed her mind later apparently I had picked it and she never liked it...it's like...if it worked it was her idea, if it didn't it was mine. Recently our marriage has become very strained, for 2 years we slept in separate beds, as well as a stressful job I have taken on all the childcare, cleaning, cooking shopping.
Then recently I got angry when I caught her going thru my emails and social media stuff, she said "I've always done this cos u hide things from me" which isn't untrue, sometimes I have usually because dealing with her is impossible.  And I said I've had enough, we should just get divorced, she ofc said "what and smashed the pc". I ofc apologized (which I always have had to do) since then she has claimed I have NPD and have been abusing her for years. Every 2 days or so she makes a new claim, I ruined every birthday, I stole and hid things...things I know for a fact aren't true...she even started posting on social media about NPD abuse...literally a week before texting me what a great father and husband I am. Ultimately it's been months now. I even started to believe what she was saying, so went to a therapist, who untangled it all and showed me it was her who was actually abusing me. She's said recently that she would kill me but she wouldn't go to jail so that's the only reason...then hours after saying that acting like nothings wrong. My blood pressure is off the charts daily, I wake up with panic attacks. Now she says the only way to fix her is for me to tell my family how I have abused her...but frankly I won't, because I won't tell lies anymore just to please her. So the therapist said if there's no love and I don't see love then why don't I speak to her about divorce, but the honest answer is I'm too scared too. I literally panic every time I think about doing it. I don't even know what to say or how to suggest it in a way that wouldn't send her into a rage...I'm open to ideas..any suggestions are welcome...I just can't live like this anymore, and I need to protect my kids and myself.

[Gemsforeyes]

Welcome to our community.  I am very sorry for the pain that you’re going through, and glad you’ve found us.

It is very clear that you’re suffering both emotionally and physically, and that something needs to change - for you and the wellbeing of your children.  And I’m certain you’re doing everything possible to keep your children safe.

Has your wife ever exhibited any physical violence directed toward you or the children, or has she ever broken any items in the home?  She has stated she would “kill you” and she would not go to jail - that is alarming.  And I believe may be considered bordering very close, if not actually, a form of DV (domestic violence).  I am so sorry, my friend.  No one deserves to live under these conditions.  Have your children heard these threats?

I understand that not only are you the only adult working, but now it seems you are shouldering all of the in-home responsibilities.  What exactly is your W doing with her time?  Is she actually physically disabled?

Have you considered having a private consultation with an attorney (one who specializes in high conflict divorces!)?  If you do, keep all of that information private.  And keep your password. Search history and information for this site private.

Finally, I suggest you consider posting on the “Conflicted” board here.  That board includes issues around legal advice, divorce, custody and you’ll likely receive more robust responses.

I hope I’m jumping the gun here, I don’t know... but your fear is real to you.  So Generally speaking, when there may be a threat of some type (I’m not certain in your case, but again, your fear is enough), it is generally encouraged that you have certain things lined up in advance - a “go bag” for you and your kids; vital documents OUT of the house; protected money; a SAFE place lined up to go.

Please continue to post. This is a safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[NotAHero]

Long story short, I've been married over 20 years. Unsure how long I would say happily married... I've always been a people pleaser, my wife when we met told me she had bipolar and BPD, at the time I thought nothing of it, we got on great for years, had our first child after 5 years, and second 3 years later. Though in that time she often displayed anger and rage, both at the kids and me. But it never lasted long then I started some years ago to notice more and more how she hated it when I went away with work, I couldn't enjoy any evening time when away without having to check in with her, this ofc alienated me from making friends. The friends I did make she always said horrible things about. I would also mention during our 20 year marriage she never worked, always had a reason "xx was mean to me"  "too stressful", "my back hurts sat down all day" etc etc. I also noticed when choosing things (car, house etc etc) she always had to pick, but when she changed her mind later apparently I had picked it and she never liked it...it's like...if it worked it was her idea, if it didn't it was mine. Recently our marriage has become very strained, for 2 years we slept in separate beds, as well as a stressful job I have taken on all the childcare, cleaning, cooking shopping.
Then recently I got angry when I caught her going thru my emails and social media stuff, she said "I've always done this cos u hide things from me" which isn't untrue, sometimes I have usually because dealing with her is impossible.  And I said I've had enough, we should just get divorced, she ofc said "what and smashed the pc". I ofc apologized (which I always have had to do) since then she has claimed I have NPD and have been abusing her for years. Every 2 days or so she makes a new claim, I ruined every birthday, I stole and hid things...things I know for a fact aren't true...she even started posting on social media about NPD abuse...literally a week before texting me what a great father and husband I am. Ultimately it's been months now. I even started to believe what she was saying, so went to a therapist, who untangled it all and showed me it was her who was actually abusing me. She's said recently that she would kill me but she wouldn't go to jail so that's the only reason...then hours after saying that acting like nothings wrong. My blood pressure is off the charts daily, I wake up with panic attacks. Now she says the only way to fix her is for me to tell my family how I have abused her...but frankly I won't, because I won't tell lies anymore just to please her. So the therapist said if there's no love and I don't see love then why don't I speak to her about divorce, but the honest answer is I'm too scared too. I literally panic every time I think about doing it. I don't even know what to say or how to suggest it in a way that wouldn't send her into a rage...I'm open to ideas..any suggestions are welcome...I just can't live like this anymore, and I need to protect my kids and myself.

 Unfortunately, telling her is not a good idea here.

If I were you I would talk to a lawyer and serve her the divorce. From what you wrote, the risk of telling her and giving her a head start to claim abuse is just too great. If she strikes first you are going to be in heaps of trouble.

That’s just my opinion based on my experience. You know your situation better than anyone else.

[alterK]

Hi Ex. Again, welcome to the site. You have done the right thing coming here, where you will find others who have had experiences similar to yours (me among them). You are getting good advice from Gems and Not.

You are dealing with big burdens, and it's no surprise it's taking a toll on you physically. If your BP is up, get it treated! If there is a threat of violence toward you or your kids, you should definitely see a lawyer and act preemptively, rather wait for your wife to move first. Sorry if this sounds sexist, but for a man to undo accusations of abuse from a woman, though it isn't impossible, can be difficult.

If you are contemplating divorce, I'd suggest you read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. If you haven't encountered him before, he's a social worker and lawyer who specializes in personality disorders. There are other good references in the "Tools" section of this website. Just don't let your wife know.