Scripts

[Depression = 72% of members]

My therapist once told me that I should write out a script of what I would say to myself when my uBPDw was being grumpy or in an irrational rage, and taking it out on me. 

What are some things you keep in your mind to tell yourself when this is happening and reduce your own stress and anxiety? 

[mitten]

My therapist once told me that I should write out a script of what I would say to myself when my uBPDw was being grumpy or in an irrational rage, and taking it out on me. 

What are some things you keep in your mind to tell yourself when this is happening and reduce your own stress and anxiety? 

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[zondolit]

Here are some things I tell myself:
--After this, I get a treat!
--I can vent about this later with a friend/therapist/this forum/support group.
--He is hurting inside.
--I can walk away and take a break if it gets to be too much.
--As the healthier, more mature person in the relationship, it is up to me to take the high road.
--Yes, this is unfair (and it will do no good to tell him!).
--This is not about me.
--Afterwards, I will assess this interaction by how I acted (not him): was I respectful? curious? calm? open to new ideas? etc.
--Do I want to be right or effective?

It is oddly calming to use the mindfulness technique of describing, without judgement, what is happening. For example, "My husband is wearing a blue shirt. He is standing next to a table. The table has three plates and a spoon on it."

Another mindfulness technique to is ask myself how I am feeling--to really pay attention to my own emotions. If I feel fear or anger rising, I start describing like crazy or take a break.

[Cat Familiar]

I confess that I allow my *less than nice self* some free expression internally while on the outside maintaining my composure. Externally it presents as “When they go low, we go high,” but internally my inner dialogue has quite a range of free expression:

“What an a-hole!”
“Such a F hypocrite.”
“F you!”

All said internally, which brings a slight smile to my face, not so much as to be very noticeable and lead to accusations that I’m mocking him.

This strategy may not work for others, but it works for me and is an effective way for me to deal with the inevitable anger that arises within, but without further amplifying conflict.

[mitten]

“What an a-hole!”
“Such a F hypocrite.”
“F you!

 

[mitten]

--Afterwards, I will assess this interaction by how I acted (not him): was I respectful? curious? calm? open to new ideas? etc.
--Do I want to be right or effective?

Great script!  These 2 really stuck out at me.  Especially having two small children I want to make sure I am taking the high road and setting a good example with boundaries and how I will let my uBPDw talk to me.  The other day in the car when my wife was being rude to me he said "mom, are you guys talking nice?"  So he knows right from wrong.  Love that kid. 

[thankful person]

I say to myself a mixture of the following:

Deep breaths… I feel and accept the physical emotions, the tightness in my chest, rapidly beating heart… I tell myself I’m ok I just need to breathe slowly, just keep getting the air into my lungs.

I remember the goal is to do what I can to help my wife become calmer. And the primary reason for this is because I do not want her shrieking at me or the children and upsetting them.

I tell myself I am doing the best I can under challenging circumstances. Validate. Don’t JADE. Stay calm. (I actually find that saying very little helps tremendously).

And finally: where I used to say to my wife, “do you know.. that if you were to ask ANYONE IN THE WORLD their opinion on how you’re treating me right now, THEY WOULD ALL BE ON MY SIDE!” I now say to myself, “you are part of an incredible team of support with the bpd family.” I get my validation here now, so I have been able to let go of trying to get my wife to see my point of view when she is saying ridiculous or unkind things.

And yes like Cat, I do also quietly fantasise about other things I’d like to say, without actually saying them. If we’re having a text exchange I know my wife hates the … that comes up for ages when I’m typing. Sometimes I type out a massive rant and then delete it all without sending and then just send a text message saying, “ok”. I know it’s risky (I could send my rant by accident!) but you’ve got to have a little laugh with yourself sometimes right?

[waverider]

"This is not my reality, I live in my reality, not hers"

No matter what you say to yourself you do need to find space as even as a constant yapping neighbours dog can drive you mad so can the constant nature of this behaviour, even if you are not taking the words to heart. It is occupying you thought space and attention. Which is tiring and stressful