Borderline Mother, and other disorder in my family

[Lilly76]

Hi everyone,

I am a turkish woman,  living in Germany and have Problems with my family members, especially with my mother.
I think she has Borderline. My father has died, but I think he was narcisstic.

My Problem is, that I have two siblings, who are emotional abusive. I try to take distance. But my mother let both beeing abusive to her and to others. The consequence is, that she became abusive to me and my brother. She frustrates us, blames us, want to give us advice or sacrifices her so, that it can be to much, want to say, how we have to live our live.  If I try to set boundaries, she became at least the victim. She is allways a victim. Victim of her friends, victim of people, who are not sacrificing them for her, who speak a littke harsh...
And if I am really tired, it can be, that my mother interacts normal and with compassion, only to be one or two days later the victim, f4om me or from orhers.

I am really tired and wants to speak to somebody.

I've made therapy, but their solution is: left your family, and if your mother should try a suicide, it is her problem, not yours.

I mean, she is my mother and sometimes, she is wonderful. I would never could be happy  if something would happen to her  because I left her.

Can someone understand my situation?. I am feeling so alone and overhelmed, and can't see the solution.

Thanks to all, who read this.

Have all a nice weekend.

Lilly.

[Methuen]

Hi Lilly,

Welcome to our online community.

Does your mother also live in Germany?  Does she live with you in your home, or in her own home?

I am sorry that she is so difficult, and frustrating and abusive.  There are many people on this forum who can relate to how you are feeling.

I understand what you mean when you say your mother is always a victim.  This is how borderlines see themselves, and they blame everyone else for their bad feelings.

It is good you are in therapy.  If your therapist is not helping you in the way you need, but just telling you to leave your family, you could always look for a new therapist.  Maybe there is another person that could support you the way you need.

I've made therapy, but their solution is: left your family, and if your mother should try a suicide, it is her problem, not yours...I mean, she is my mother and sometimes, she is wonderful. I would never could be happy  if something would happen to her  because I left her.

Suicide is never someone else's fault.  No one else is "responsible" if a person chooses to take their own life.  

 

I am feeling so alone and overwhelmed, and can't see the solution.

You are not alone.  All of us are overwhelmed at times.  The solutions are not easy.

The short answer right now is that you should carry on with setting  boundaries, and understand that the boundaries are for your well-being, and not to change her behavior.

Understand that her behavior will never change unless she does the work necessary and wants to change herself.

Therefore you must look after YOU.  We call this "self-care".  Learning how to take care of our own needs takes time to learn.

We can help with this.  But can you tell us a little more about your situation?  What is happening right now that is making you feel overwhelmed?