Out of town

[dtkm]

My undiagnosed BPD husband is out of town helping a family member of his. I attended a BBQ tonight for my son’s football team. I put this BBQ on our calendar, but did not mention it to him, as he won’t do anything with my son’s football team…According to him I am sleeping with all of the teams coaches and all of my son’s basketball team’s coaches. I am so over it that I don’t even mention anything to him at all about my son’s sports. In all honesty, I don’t even think most of the coaches know my name. I called my husband when we got home and got the 3rd degree from him. He was yelling at me through FaceTime so all of the kids heard him, saying it was crap that a bbq happened to come up when he was out of town. I sent him a picture of the invite and told him he could call our friends as the kids and I sat with them the whole time. The 4 year old whom he has enmeshed with him heard all of this and became quiet. I tried to justify myself for a minute then realized there was no use doing that. I told him that I wouldn’t fight with the kids around, that I loved him and hoped he had a great night and hung up. He called back asking to talk to my 4 year old whom he grilled on why “he looked so sad”, what he ate for dinner, if he had a fun day, etc. After my son answered all of the kids yelled that they loved him, I said the same and hung up again as he continued on his rant. How do I deal with this tomorrow? Do I contact him and make like this fight never happened or do I just ignore him or do I let him take the lead? For me, I will continue on my day having fun doing things with my kids tomorrow. I know he wants us to stay locked in the house the whole time he is gone, but sorry that’s not going to happen!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there-

I’m really sorry that your H put you and your children through that last night.  It’s so unfair.  And it’s truly sad that in addition to his calling back to be “soothed” by your 4-year old; your other children (and you) all felt the need to jump to this grown man’s emotional rescue (calling out “I love you”) after he cruelly attacked you.  For something you haven’t done.

As for today...I’m hoping all of you can carry on and have a fun day.  When he calls and looks for your apology (grrrrr), you can perhaps say something to the effect of - the kids and you were sorry he missed the fun event.  Period end of story.  I don’t think you owe him anything else.

He can always seek the help he needs.  Hopefully someday he’ll know that.  And your sweet children are not meant to be his therapists or soothing toys.

I’m so sorry he’s putting you in this very difficult situation.  Disordered Love is painful...please keep posting and learning the tools.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[dtkm]

Thank you for your reply!  I never looked at it that way that he needed to smooth himself through talking to my son. It makes sense…in a strange sort of way!  I have a question concerning the kids and I telling him that we loved him. Is that something that we should not do during this type of moment?  I am trying to create an environment where his outbursts don’t bother us or our lives. I don’t want to give him the attention…albeit negative…that he is looking for. I have been trying to reinforce my love for him and walk away. My T has told me that I need to start communicating in these times why I am walking away…”your accusations are  untrue and relationship destroying.  I am going to go play with the kids. When you can calm down you are welcome to join us, until then the most loving thing I can do is walk away”. I am not that good yet! But I am trying!

[Cat Familiar]

Another thing to do is to limit the time you listen to his unfounded accusations. “Got to go. Talk to you tomorrow.”

And no lies of saying “love you” after such a brutal attack. You don’t love him in that moment. There should be consequences for saying such awful things.

[thankful person]

I highly recommend the books or audiobooks “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” and “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist” if you haven’t already read them. They were life-changing for me.

[dtkm]

Thank you all for your input !  Unfortunately he came home last night, in the middle of the night (delayed flight) not saying hi or anything to me. He then freaked out screaming at me this morning that he needs to protect “his” kids (our 2 kids we have together ) from me and “my kids” (his step kids). He was screaming telling me that I am a whore, etc. After defending my son (his scape goat) I changed the vibe of the house and tried to get the kids ready for school, etc. He kept yelling, but we continued to move to get ready for school. All of the kids except the 1 year old, immediately clung to me and became “sad”. He just kept screaming this is so over, and then all sorts of mean accusations about me and my kids. Once we left for school he stopped. My kids said bye to him as they ran off to school and he ignored them. How do I deal with this! I am so afraid for my kids!

I highly recommend the books or audiobooks “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” and “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist” if you haven’t already read them. They were life-changing for me.

[FirstSteps]

I am very much a work in progress but the one boundary that I have set successfully is that none of this kind of thing is OK around the children.  My kids are older so this was easier.  But even if you signal in that moment that you are not having this conversation, you can take it outside, or after they leave, that's something.  And then if possible, I would remove them from the situation.  Again, I didn't even try this until I had teenagers (I was very enmeshed when they were small which actually meant less conflict but a very unhealthy family system).  I would also read the books that thankful person recommended.  They were life changing for me too.

[15years]

After defending my son (his scape goat) I changed the vibe of the house and tried to get the kids ready for school, etc. He kept yelling, but we continued to move to get ready for school. All of the kids except the 1 year old, immediately clung to me and became “sad”. He just kept screaming this is so over, and then all sorts of mean accusations about me and my kids. Once we left for school he stopped. My kids said bye to him as they ran off to school and he ignored them. How do I deal with this! I am so afraid for my kids!

You did good, it's so hard to do routines when someone is angry and yelling at you. I'm sorry you fear for your kids, and I relate. I would want to know how to communicate with the kids about these episodes once the angry person is somewhere else. I've heard that we need to validate, validate and validate. But how to avoid teaming up with the kids against the other parent?

[dtkm]

The saga continues on…after we took my kids to school, things got worse. He continued on his rampage at home and when we left to go pick up our son from school. He twists my words all around, accusing me of things I would never do and using my words against me. After playing some video games with our son, he told him that he was leaving to go look at some apartments. My son was confused. My husband then got up and started yelling at me again telling me that I better take my phone and my son’s phone off of our phone plan…I didn’t respond. He then started walking at me so I started to walk away, he cornered me screaming. Our 2 kids started crying, when I was finally able to I grabbed my phone and called his sister who said to take the kids and leave. He refused to let me leave with the kids, meanwhile our kids are repeating that they want to go with mom. I finally get them in the car, he followed us the whole time. He told me if I leave with the kids he will file for divorce, which for some reason I don’t want. Talking to his sister he then promises to leave if I will stay home with the kids. He leaves the kids and I go inside and cuddle on the couch. He returned home a couple of hours later. The kids clung to me for the night. He sat in his office then watched tv on a different tv than us for the night. I took the kids up to bed and fell asleep cuddled up with the 2 youngest and the bigger 2 in one of their rooms. Several hours later, he comes upstairs and gets into bed with the 2 kids and I, telling me he can’t sleep and needs to cuddle with me. I told him that that was not my problem. One of our kids wakes up and tells him that he wants to be with mom by himself. My husband say ok that he just wants to lay with mom as well. On alert, I laid with him with my arms reached out to my kids. The next morning I got up to take the kids to school, he got up and said he was going to workout, the mood of the house was ok. He walks into the house after his workout and started in on his accusations again…asking why the blush on one side of my cheeks isn’t blended in as well as the other side. We walked away from each other and are both pretty much ignoring each other right now. I continue to surround my kids with love and protection as that is all I know to do for them. I emailed a therapist group this morning suggested by my therapist to possibly start family therapy…minus one as I am sure my husband will not attend. I am blah! I want happiness for my whole family…including my husband. Ugh!