Having thoughts of killing myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD wife misunderstands everything I say and says the worst possible things to me, I feel like killing myself. Why she affects me so much?

[sam_the_wise]

My BPD wife misunderstands everything I say and says the worst possible things to me, I feel like killing myself. Why she affects me so much?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

sam_the_wise,

You posted about 10 days ago that she kicked you out. What has happened between then and now that has you experiencing these thoughts?

I agree with your therapist, BPD is no excuse for abuse. Even if your wife isn't accepting of BPD, that isn't an excuse either. There are no excuses for how she's treating you.

Do you have anyone close in real life for support?

[SinisterComplex]

My BPD wife misunderstands everything I say and says the worst possible things to me, I feel like killing myself. Why she affects me so much?

Hey Sam, I can certainly understand the overwhelming feelings of frustration and the tsunami like waves crashing over you. I've been there. Even more so I truly get the misunderstanding everything you say part all too well. Now keep in mind you shared some pretty strong words there. My friend life trumps all because there is no greater gift than life itself. You are frustrated right now for sure and yeah the feelings are driving you mad and you just want it to end. Man do I ever understand that part. I think the best way to cope is that to realize ok you know dealing with your wife in certain instances is going to suck. You cannot change that. It is what it is. You just have to put on a raincoat and let it wash over you. Put your focus on something else and throw yourself into that. Sounds like that idea won't do much, but I think you would be surprised at just how effective and powerful it can be.

You have to take the principles of misdirection and apply them. Misdirection itself isn't what you want to use here, but the principles can help you. Look into it. If you have questions let me know.

As for why she affects you so much? Simple answer...you love her and you have given her too much dominion over you and too much power. You can only be responsible for how you feel and how you respond. You cannot control or change her behavior. So in order for you to turn negatives into positives or for you to be happy you have to stop letting her feelings become your feelings and allowing yourself to become reactionary.

You are a human being and you deserve respect as well. However, you cannot receive that respect unless you create strong boundaries and show that you need to be respected. Make sense?

In the meantime Sam...please my friend be kind to you and take care of yourself. I sincerely mean that. View this as a temporary rough time. You are going to get through it and things will get better. You just have to stem the tide.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[sam_the_wise]

After last time I posted, she started school and didn’t secure funding which was as easy as knocking on professors doors and asking them for it. She couldn’t because she never paid heed to me telling her to go to school and walk around even if there is no plan of action. I tried to do it in different ways, in encouraging manner, as advice based on my past experiences but she just couldn’t make time, her priorities were setting up house. At one point I told her, you go to school, walk around there I will wash dishes cook, she fought with me for acting like I only care and she doesn’t understand responsibility. From that point on I didn’t push her, even though I had a sinking feeling that she won’t get funding if she doesn’t move.

Now she hasn’t and I am paying a huge tuition and her living expenses as well, which could easily have been free. She understands that and now she is in self kicking mode and getting depressed that how everyone else got it and not her. Again she is missing big picture, there are other on campus jobs out there with funding but she is hung up on her failure. I am working full time and I am applying to those jobs and calling with her name to the offices, pretending to be her. There was on campus job fair 3-6 pm she was off 5, she could have gone there but no she chose to rant about such a failure she is. I listened, empathized, but when I had enough, I just asked her kindly, you should not get depressed at this point, you need to be desperate and try to find whatever you can. She lost her PLEASE READ!  She is like I don’t let her express. I am selfish, egotistical man like my father. I am not letting her grieve. And all that.
She yelled at limit of her throat called me names, and worst possible curse words. Told me she wants it to be over. I know this dance, I want it to be over as well, but if I say so, I pay for it later when she decides to come back. Moreover, I know I cannot go because she is doing all this because of her personality disorder and leaving her at this stage would be terrible. And she always comes back. I feel like I cannot stay and so cannot leave, that makes me think of ending it all along with her abuse crushing my soul.

I made us have couples session with therapist as it was scheduled anyways this week, just moved it around to talk about her wanting to separate, all I wanted was to have her talk that out and make it real or make it go away. Therapist said when I told her to not get depressed I was acting on my anxiety and taking responsibility for her, but I am anxious as we are  loosing money because she is not moving. I can stay out of it and let her be but she will again burn a hole in our finances like she did the first time by not going to school and I didn’t push her because I was like it is your responsibility.

The feeling of ending it has passed thanks to the therapy session, calming down, and reading your comments. Will see if I can try those methods.

[SinisterComplex]

After last time I posted, she started school and didn’t secure funding which was as easy as knocking on professors doors and asking them for it. She couldn’t because she never paid heed to me telling her to go to school and walk around even if there is no plan of action. I tried to do it in different ways, in encouraging manner, as advice based on my past experiences but she just couldn’t make time, her priorities were setting up house. At one point I told her, you go to school, walk around there I will wash dishes cook, she fought with me for acting like I only care and she doesn’t understand responsibility. From that point on I didn’t push her, even though I had a sinking feeling that she won’t get funding if she doesn’t move.

Now she hasn’t and I am paying a huge tuition and her living expenses as well, which could easily have been free. She understands that and now she is in self kicking mode and getting depressed that how everyone else got it and not her. Again she is missing big picture, there are other on campus jobs out there with funding but she is hung up on her failure. I am working full time and I am applying to those jobs and calling with her name to the offices, pretending to be her. There was on campus job fair 3-6 pm she was off 5, she could have gone there but no she chose to rant about such a failure she is. I listened, empathized, but when I had enough, I just asked her kindly, you should not get depressed at this point, you need to be desperate and try to find whatever you can. She lost her PLEASE READ!  She is like I don’t let her express. I am selfish, egotistical man like my father. I am not letting her grieve. And all that.
She yelled at limit of her throat called me names, and worst possible curse words. Told me she wants it to be over. I know this dance, I want it to be over as well, but if I say so, I pay for it later when she decides to come back. Moreover, I know I cannot go because she is doing all this because of her personality disorder and leaving her at this stage would be terrible. And she always comes back. I feel like I cannot stay and so cannot leave, that makes me think of ending it all along with her abuse crushing my soul.

I made us have couples session with therapist as it was scheduled anyways this week, just moved it around to talk about her wanting to separate, all I wanted was to have her talk that out and make it real or make it go away. Therapist said when I told her to not get depressed I was acting on my anxiety and taking responsibility for her, but I am anxious as we are  loosing money because she is not moving. I can stay out of it and let her be but she will again burn a hole in our finances like she did the first time by not going to school and I didn’t push her because I was like it is your responsibility.

The feeling of ending it has passed thanks to the therapy session, calming down, and reading your comments. Will see if I can try those methods.

Hey Sam I am glad to hear that. I know its a lot to handle, but hang in there and keep your head up. You have to fight through to be able to enjoy life for YOU. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. Keep us posted and of course vent as much as you need to...we are always here for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[Anonymous7695]

I am wondering if you can explain the misdirection more to me?

I relate to this post in so many ways… I really do. I have also had suicidal thoughts, especially recently, and though I know I would never go there I feel so trapped and lost.

So I relate in many ways to what you are saying and thank you for posting all this advice on this post.

But again, I am wondering what misdirection is? @SinisterComplex

[SinisterComplex]

I am wondering if you can explain the misdirection more to me?

I relate to this post in so many ways… I really do. I have also had suicidal thoughts, especially recently, and though I know I would never go there I feel so trapped and lost.

So I relate in many ways to what you are saying and thank you for posting all this advice on this post.

But again, I am wondering what misdirection is? @SinisterComplex

Just letting you know I am paying attention. I was just popping in to check on things. I saw your post here and I will respond accordingly, but I will do so tomorrow when I have more time.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[SinisterComplex]

@Anonymous7695

To be kind of silly for a moment misdirection is what magicians use on you ;-). Sleight of hand, misdirection...what you think you saw you did not see.

Now granted it sounds goofy, but magicians do indeed use misdirection.

Now to be frank here...misdirection is a very powerful and advanced psychological concept. Defining it and understanding it may appear simple. However, putting it into practice can be quite the challenge.

The reason for this is that it depends on what your goals are. If your goals are to perform like a magician then that places a focus much differently than trying to apply it psychologically.

An example of how to misdirect in practice in person. I will use a prime example that can help anyone negotiate better salaries when searching for a job.

So let's say you have an interview and its going great and then you are offered a position and a salary, but you are low balled. Most people have a bad tendency to read this situation the wrong way and immediately react poorly based on emotion which then gives the employer literally all of the power. What you should do in that scenario is respond as such...before we get into that can you tell me more about what kind of projects I will be involved in moving forward? Can you elaborate on what my specific role will be? What you are doing is showing you are a seasoned professional and politely declining the initial low ball insulting offer without actually denying anything or saying anything emotional to tip your hand. You are misdirecting and shifting focus to something else. Now typically in these scenarios the employer will try to provide some more detail but then quickly follow up by offering again...the trick here is to stay away from close ended responses and questions. So if you get a second offer you follow the same method again but maybe spice up the response by asking if there will be some innovative plans or projects that can be shared to see if it suits your talents.

At this point the interviewer if experienced and diligent enough knows they have a tough negotiator on their hands and typically that means you are high value and they want you on their team. The thought goes like this...if or she was that tough against me in an interview I can only imagine how much of an asset he or she will be for my company.

By you misdirecting and not reacting emotionally you will be forcing the other party to play the game and raise their offer to your liking without you telling them what that is. In essence always come from a place of power and have the abundance mind set.

The whole point cloaked in my example is that misdirection is a means for you to get your point across without necessarily providing anything that can cause an emotional stir and you are more likely to get your desired result if you stick to your guns and you don't let your emotions run over you. Comedians and magicians alike practice misdirection to be proficient at their jobs.

The whole goal is to keep your trump card in your back pocket so to speak and then use it when the moment presents itself to elicit maximum influence.

To make it simple...a comedian is telling a joke and you think you have the punchline all figured out and you think the comedian is predictable and then when the punchline hits you are left in shock because you realize you fell hook, line, and sinker and you were behind the 8-ball from the start so you laugh hard.

I can get a lot more in-depth on this, but I think I've provided some good material here. If you have more questions let me know.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[thankful person]

Hi Sam,

Glad to hear you’re feeling better now, but just wanted to say, I absolutely relate to the suicidal thoughts and wanting to harm myself and in the first few months I was with my dbpdw I was suggesting we take our own lives together. I go very easily back to this feeling, even though I have children now and of course I don’t want to ever leave them especially as I know how it felt when my father attempted suicide. But it is still so painful when my wife says cruel things sometimes, even though I have managed to improve our relationship so much.

I am the only one working as she looks after the kids, but even before they arrived she hardly worked and spent money she doesn’t have getting into debt like there’s no tomorrow. I paid off lots of her debt when I sold my half of the house I owned with my ex to him. Very unwise but I just wanted to help her. She didn’t learn from it. Then I paid for her to go to college to become a hairdresser. Problem was the other students on the course were that much younger and it was government funded for them. My wife didn’t get accepted onto the second year of the course due to poor attendance. She wanted to mess around like her younger friends who weren’t having to pay. I was devastated and so disappointed in her.

I have learnt so much from the good people on here and mostly get along better with my wife now and I’m just glad she’s not shrieking at me and the kids all the time anymore. I hope you can also make progress, even without your wife’s cooperation. There are still hiccups for us, like today I was looking in my diary for work info and about to leave for work and my wife bumps her pregnant belly into me and I was too distracted by work matters. I told her her bump was “cute” but it was the wrong word (all pregnant woman may agree ), and she felt I was distracted by work as usual because it’s all I care about. Actually I just want to support her and give our kids a good life and provide. And we are broke so yes I’m obsessed with work.

Anyway I spent the day worrying about what I should say or text or how I would talk to her when I got back. And decided to do nothing about it. My wife hates apologies because she’s like why do something and then apologise, obviously you wanted to do it. This is also probably why she never apologises herself. So I’ve been reflecting on things and realised that all those things I wanted to do, texting, calling, telling her I was upset… I used to make things so much worse. Once I got in she was over it and it wasn’t mentioned.

I wish you all the best on this journey.