Still cold after 5 months

[heartfeltengine]

Had a contact with my ex pwBPD after around 5 months after the breakup. She was dead cold, stating that she had absolutely no time to meet me (a few months ago we agreed on a meet to catch up, ping-ponged texts, and never actually met). What is the best way to express that I still care for her, but within some boundaries that reflect my own healing? I think she is mad that I did not jump to the opportunity to meet her one month ago when she asked me. I was not ready to meet her up then, I was now. I feel super bad mirroring her responses, yet I have no idea how to warm her up given her responses without getting back to the doormat status. I have no intention of doing that ever again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AdRock]

What was your response to her coldness?  Just hoping you can elaborate on how the conversation went and how you or she left the conversation (i.e. did she hang up on you, were you able to keep calm during the conversation).  And yes, without knowing her, one of the typical behaviors is she most likely wanted you to drop everything for her.  Good for you for not doing that (I say that knowing I would be strongly tempted to if mine texted me).

[Rev]

What is the best way to express that I still care for her, but within some boundaries that reflect my own healing?

What would it mean to you to reverse the order of that question?

"What is the best way to set some boundaries that reflect my own healing that lets me express that I care for her?"

Can you sense the difference?

Rev

[judee]

Rev, this is brilliant.

[heartfeltengine]

Wow, thanks for the perspective, Rev.

I think I sense an inner contradiction here. Showing that I care means breaking my healthy boundaries because showing that I care for her means me becoming apologetic, me showing (almost faking) compassion for her drama. I've reached a point where I can easily smell her bulls*it and victim play. I have two options. Being fake or being real and not engaging. Me not engaging translates to me not caring in her eyes. Faking is out of the question. My boundaries are quite clear, I would not let myself become a doormat again. What does that mean? Stop being a caretaker, but then she might just believe that I never loved her or cared for her. Looks like a dead end to me. Can't we just have a normal adult conversation?

Regarding the interaction, I reached out, but her reply was quite numb, just one question "how are you" was directed to me, and the rest of the conversation was about her. Her not having time to meet me, her being extremely busy, her bachelor's degree, her newly discovered illness (not a mental one, as far as I know, she lives in denial, probably undiagnosticated). My goal was to test the waters, what if she is aware of her illness, what if she changes something, what if she started painting me white again? She looks completely unchanged, probably wanting to play the victim card on me and being mad that I don't respond how she wants. I am disappointed, but can't say I am surprised by this in any way...

[Rev]

Wow, thanks for the perspective, Rev.

I think I sense an inner contradiction here. Showing that I care means breaking my healthy boundaries because showing that I care for her means me becoming apologetic, me showing (almost faking) compassion for her drama. I've reached a point where I can easily smell her bulls*it and victim play. I have two options. Being fake or being real and not engaging. Me not engaging translates to me not caring in her eyes. Faking is out of the question. My boundaries are quite clear, I would not let myself become a doormat again. What does that mean? Stop being a caretaker, but then she might just believe that I never loved her or cared for her. Looks like a dead end to me. Can't we just have a normal adult conversation?

Regarding the interaction, I reached out, but her reply was quite numb, just one question "how are you" was directed to me, and the rest of the conversation was about her. Her not having time to meet me, her being extremely busy, her bachelor's degree, her newly discovered illness (not a mental one, as far as I know, she lives in denial, probably undiagnosticated). My goal was to test the waters, what if she is aware of her illness, what if she changes something, what if she started painting me white again? She looks completely unchanged, probably wanting to play the victim card on me and being mad that I don't respond how she wants. I am disappointed, but can't say I am surprised by this in any way...

Well done!  How honest of yourself to be, well, honest with yourself.

All that remains is that your body will need time to catch up to your mind. These relationships have a way of baking their way into our limbic systems.   So keep this handy and re-read it whenever the "craving" comes back. Eventually it will subside.

Reach out any time. I still vent from time to time.

In the meantime, hang in there.

Rev