Unnecessary cruelty

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 I just witnessed some fairly strong cruelty from my mother n law towards her daughter (my wife). As posted previously my MIL stopped talking to three of her daughters because she had put her grandchild (my daughter) in danger.

With that said just this week the MIL had called my sister n law who she hadn’t spoken to in months through a blocked number just so she would answer .She then went right back to texting her all day and trying to face time her everyday even when my SIL tried to set boundaries.My SIL husband even said this isn’t starting well again and that she should have hung up when she was tricked into speaking to her mother .

With that said three things happened that have bothered me greatly since Tuesday , one that happened to my wife and two to my SIL . The first and worst one was that my MIL told her daughter she wanted a relationship with her and her son but in the case of my wife , she only wanted access to our daughter ,her granddaughter…… WHO SAYS THESE THINGS!  My wife was visibly upset hearing this through her sister and rightfully so .I was so angry I had to go in the garage to calm down !

Then my MIL had the audacity to tell my sister n law that another one of her sisters is pregnant again and that she thought she should know given she knew they wanted two kids .Almost like rubbing it in as a ha ha they beat you to it ? My BIL doesn’t understand either why she would even say such things? What benefits come with poking people that you literally just started talking to again! Lastly my SIL had sent a text to her mother stating she still was hurt by the things she was accused of being by her mother (alcoholic which she isn’t ) .Also some other stuff and all she got in return was like on the text! No return convo ,nothing like she doesn’t even care .

Even though the MIL was officially diagnosed with BPD ,she seems to act like a heartless psychopath sometimes…..Drama has already started and we aren’t even speaking to her ,tired of this .

[Daylightdad]

 I just witnessed some fairly strong cruelty from my mother n law towards her daughter (my wife). As posted previously my MIL stopped talking to three of her daughters because she had put her grandchild (my daughter) in danger.

With that said just this week the MIL had called my sister n law who she hadn’t spoken to in months through a blocked number just so she would answer .She then went right back to texting her all day and trying to face time her everyday even when my SIL tried to set boundaries.My SIL husband even said this isn’t starting well again and that she should have hung up when she was tricked into speaking to her mother .

With that said three things happened that have bothered me greatly since Tuesday , one that happened to my wife and two to my SIL . The first and worst one was that my MIL told her daughter she wanted a relationship with her and her son but in the case of my wife , she only wanted access to our daughter ,her granddaughter…… WHO SAYS THESE THINGS!  My wife was visibly upset hearing this through her sister and rightfully so .I was so angry I had to go in the garage to calm down !

Then my MIL had the audacity to tell my sister n law that another one of her sisters is pregnant again and that she thought she should know given she knew they wanted two kids .Almost like rubbing it in as a ha ha they beat you to it ? My BIL doesn’t understand either why she would even say such things? What benefits come with poking people that you literally just started talking to again! Lastly my SIL had sent a text to her mother stating she still was hurt by the things she was accused of being by her mother (alcoholic which she isn’t ) .Also some other stuff and all she got in return was like on the text! No return convo ,nothing like she doesn’t even care .

Even though the MIL was officially diagnosed with BPD ,she seems to act like a heartless psychopath sometimes…..Drama has already started and we aren’t even speaking to her ,tired of this .

[Couscous]

The problem is that the entire family system gets corrupted by these kinds of dynamics. Recently my non-BPD sister told me she only wants to have a relationship with my kids and not with me — I told her that it’s more important for me to model self-respect for my kids than it is for them to have relationships with extended family.

Eventually you learn to stop taking this stuff personally and understand that this is their issue, not yours. You also come to realize that your only option is to reduce contact with the entire family.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like your SIL is part of the problem. She is an active participant in the drama by gossiping and passing on the hurtful things your MIL said. She could have kept her mouth shut, but she chose not to, and this is a big red flag. She may just be very immature, or she may not actually have your wife’s best interests at heart. Either way, she may not be someone who can be trusted.

I am sure all of this is heartbreaking for you and your wife, but as you detox from all of this you will start to wonder why you ever wanted to spend time in the company of these people in the first place. You could then start investing your energy into your (healthy) friendships, as well as begin reconnecting with any of your wife’s estranged relatives who might be less toxic than the rest of her family.

[Daylightdad]

I see your points and they are valid for sure .I’ve left much of this to my wife as it is her family but it’s starting to affect her regardless of her tuff shell.She spends much more time with my family given they are for the most part normal and it seems the more she spends time with them the more she realizes how dis functional her mother is .

It’s sad to watch from the sidelines but it is what it is I guess .Time will tell if my wife’s sisters catch on as one seems to have ,her brother as well , and my other SIL tried until her mother imposed herself in her life ……

Life’s too short to live with this drama as far as I’m concerned .

[Couscous]

Yes, eventually it does all catch up with you no matter how impervious to all of the dysfunction you may think you are. I hope your wife is able to get into recovery for herself.

[Notwendy]

WHO SAYS THESE THINGS!

Disordered people. I could relate all the things my BPD mother has said to me over the years but it would be way too long for anyone to read and I wouldn't want to recall all of them. I think it means a lot to your wife that you are disturbed by this. Growing up in my family, we had to accept this as the "normal". People outside the family didn't see these things- BPD mother held it together with others. We were just supposed to accept that this is how she is and that, if she's upset with us, it must be our fault.


My H has seen this, but has left this to me to handle. While he's seen some of it, it's also hard for him to grasp. His mother wasn't like this at all. She didn't have a mean word to say about anyone. Sometimes I can see him wince a bit if I vent about my mother. He gets it cognitively, but emotionally the idea of someone talking about their mother feels wrong. I get it too. We are supposed to respect our parents and I am glad he has this value too. I feel uncomfortable discussing my mother too, because I also share this value. Our culture assumes mothers are loving. People don't want to believe or hear otherwise.

You being a reality check for your wife is important. What you see happening is happening. She's probably been told to accept it or deny it happened, or that somehow she caused it.

But she herself is going to have to navigate her own emotional boundaries with this. Some people choose low contact. Some people choose to break contact. Each decision has challenges. NC is hard when the parent is connected to other family members we want to remain in contact with. I have chosen LC. LC is an emotional distance. I don't share anything personal or emotional with her and don't have a lot of contact with her. However, I do call her to keep in touch. We can talk about certain topics- maybe a book she read, or non personal news.

We expect a mother to behave a certain way. We want our mothers to love us and we want to have the kind of relationship with them that people assume is the normal mother-child relationship. Accepting that the mother we have is different- has a mental illness that changes the dynamics helps us to not take what they say or do personally, yet also accept that our mothers are limited in how much they can be loving. It's good you can be of emotional support to your wife

[2of3]

"my MIL told her daughter she wanted a relationship with her and her son but in the case of my wife , she only wanted access to our daughter ,her granddaughter…… WHO SAYS THESE THINGS!  My wife was visibly upset hearing this through her sister and rightfully so .I was so angry I had to go in the garage to calm down !

Please let your wife know that she isn't alone.  My parents (Ubpd Mother) had a similar agenda. After several incidents my husband and I agreed that my parents would only be allowed to spend time with our children if one of us was there to supervise. We didn't announce this to my parents, but the situation escalated.  My parents would plan family events with my sisters, my nephew and my children, but fight with us if we wanted to come along.  This triggered a lot of painful memories from my childhood when I was excluded from family functions and treated like the outcast. 

I wonder if your wife was in a similar role? Are her mother and sister recreating that dynamic by including some family members (including your child) but excluding her?  Is there a history of the harder they push her away the more she struggles to be included?

I think that it is wonderful that as a loving spouse you are there to be outraged and tell her that this is abnormal and unacceptable.  It might also be useful to be sensitive how this might affect the dynamics in your family. For example, I always assumed that my children would love their father more than they would love me. Sometimes I would withdraw or not engage because I anticipated being rejected or unwelcomed.  My children are adults and we have a wonderful relationship, but I'm still working on my healing.

Your wife is lucky to have you. 

[Notwendy]

2of3- I have a similar story. My kids are grown as well and I am grateful to have a good relationship with them. I too was afraid of that turning out like my relationship with my BPD mother too. The teen years were difficult because most teens will be upset with a parent for some rule or restriction and seeing them do that was especially difficult due to my own experience as a teen growing up.

I also didn't leave my children unsupervised with my BPD mother, and having some boundaries with her led to my parents being angry at me.

[zachira]

How people treat others is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves, and for people with BPD about how so emotionally distressed they feel in the moment that they feel the need to dump these feelings on someone else either directly or indirectly by saying terribly unfair cruel untrue things about others, in addition to cruel behaviors which can be direct or indirect. You are not alone in having a MIL with BPD. Your wife is so lucky to have you see how cruel the behaviors of her mother are and to be there for her.