Struggling with thoughts of reaching out and reversing breakup

[Hamster411]

Hi all,

I’ve been posting on the breakup board but have been really struggling with thoughts of reversing it and going back. We’ve been broken up with NC for a month now. When we were together, she had gotten a lot of bad habits more under control, and cut a lot of toxic, negative people out of her life. Since the breakup I occasionally check her IG (I know this is not a good idea but it’s the only way I have been able to keep up the NC). From her posts it seems like she is drinking and smoking again, and getting back in touch with the wrong crowd. It is so very hard for me to see this, and I struggle with wanting to reach out and try to stop things from getting worse.

I’ve been thinking, and maybe the good behaviors that I labeled as “growth” over the past 2 years was actually just her mirroring me and not really her (this is a painful realization). Maybe she was bored with our relatively normal life and that’s why she went off the rails at the end, to push me away and go back to how she used to live (please see my other posts for details on the relationship and how it ended). I also wonder if she realizes at all what she has lost, or has any regret or remorse? She lost a loving home, a dedicated partner, her job, her money, her cat, etc. Does this affect her? She would always tell me she thanked God that her life was changed for the better when she met me. Was this true? Does she miss having a good, stable life? Please help, any input would be appreciated and I don’t want to make the mistake of reaching back out before I read some input to talk me off the ledge so to speak.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Hamster411... I want to acknowledge that you chose to post here instead of reaching out to her right away.

That's not to say that "it's right" or "it's wrong" to reach out. More that acting from a place of impulse, a place of perhaps wanting to change how you were feeling, isn't the wisest place to act from. So, nice job recognizing that in yourself, and trying something different.

How are you feeling now that you got that out on paper?

Couple of things you said stood out to me:

It is so very hard for me to see this, and I struggle with wanting to reach out and try to stop things from getting worse.

Sitting here and re-reading that part in bold, what are your thoughts? Who do you think has control over stopping things from getting worse, and in what ways?

I’ve been thinking, and maybe the good behaviors that I labeled as “growth” over the past 2 years was actually just her mirroring me and not really her (this is a painful realization).

That would be painful to realize that a loved one might not have been all that you thought they were. Again, that's not to say "she definitely faked it" or "no way, it was totally real". I think I mostly want to point out that -- you are willing to look back at your relationship from a different angle, even if it's painful. That's growth on your part.

She lost a loving home, a dedicated partner, her job, her money, her cat, etc. Does this affect her?

It's a good question and one that so many members have. Kind of like -- how can she move on so quickly, how can she seem so okay, is she not grieving the loss?

It's also a big question, and while unfortunately I have to cut this short, I know others have a lot of experience with that same situation -- how is it that my ex seems not to be grieving or experiencing loss like "would be normal"? All I can say in the time I have is -- that is part of the disorder.

Again, sorry this is so brief. Just really wanted you to know that we saw your post.

-kells76

[Hamster411]

Hey Hamster411... I want to acknowledge that you chose to post here instead of reaching out to her right away.

That's not to say that "it's right" or "it's wrong" to reach out. More that acting from a place of impulse, a place of perhaps wanting to change how you were feeling, isn't the wisest place to act from. So, nice job recognizing that in yourself, and trying something different.

How are you feeling now that you got that out on paper?

Couple of things you said stood out to me:

Sitting here and re-reading that part in bold, what are your thoughts? Who do you think has control over stopping things from getting worse, and in what ways?

That would be painful to realize that a loved one might not have been all that you thought they were. Again, that's not to say "she definitely faked it" or "no way, it was totally real". I think I mostly want to point out that -- you are willing to look back at your relationship from a different angle, even if it's painful. That's growth on your part.

It's a good question and one that so many members have. Kind of like -- how can she move on so quickly, how can she seem so okay, is she not grieving the loss?

It's also a big question, and while unfortunately I have to cut this short, I know others have a lot of experience with that same situation -- how is it that my ex seems not to be grieving or experiencing loss like "would be normal"? All I can say in the time I have is -- that is part of the disorder.

Again, sorry this is so brief. Just really wanted you to know that we saw your post.

-kells76

Hi Kells76,

I have realized that it was not healthy for me to do everything I could to avoid problems. She is the only one who can stop things from getting worse. She can do this by taking her treatment serious and becoming sober (although I know this is very hard). I am feeling that if she truly cared for me and meant it when she said we were soulmates that she would want to fight for the relationship and be motivated to get healthy and get her life back now that she has pushed me away. I would think this would be her rock bottom and the wake up call to get better. Is that naive of me to think? Did everything we have really not matter as much to her as I thought or as much as she would tell me it was? Everyday I consider reaching out and trying to figure out what went wrong, and to pose these questions to her myself. However, I fear the by reaching back out, I am just telling her she can do whatever she wants and I will always be there. I would feel like I am in an extremely weak position and the relationship would not be the same anyway, because she would feel like she could leave and break up and we will always just make up again. Can you provide opinions on these thoughts?

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD often don’t consider the longterm consequences of their behaviors, as they are so focused upon their emotions in the present moment. Therefore it’s so much easier to escape into alcohol, drugs, casual sex, etc. than  to acknowledge their part in conflicts they’ve participated in or initiated.

 As to the relationship you had, she probably was sincere in saying the things she said at the time. However relationships are not all wine and roses and when the honeymoon phase ends, it becomes difficult for people with BPD to sustain those initial feelings of being enamored with their partners. And often difficulties motive them to look for another option, rather than trying to work on themselves to become a better partner.